It’s a class war! Roberto Martínez, man of the people, manager of the People’s Club, is at it again, holding his pitch fork and jabbing it menacingly towards anyone who looks remotely flush who comes strolling by Goodison Park. This time the Everton manager has attached a £45m price tag to Romelu Lukaku – which works out at just over a million pounds per Everton goal (maths!)– and, like an aggressive poodle, has barked angrily in the general direction of sophisticated, metropolitan, stinking rich PSG boss, Laurent Blanc, who could do with a striker or two now that Zlatan Ibrahimovic is losing his powers like an ageing Jedi. But £45m? Give that yelping poodle a sympathetic look, whistle a jaunty tune and carry on walking Laurent.
Another piece of royal blue hot property is Leicester City’s Riyad Mahrez, a playmaker who is so slight when you see him up close that it’s understandable why no Premier League defenders have been able to pick him up this season. The Algerian’s seven goals have put him on the Manchester United radar, with Louis van Gaal rumoured to be ready to duke it out with Arsenal and Arsène Wenger, who hasn’t yet, as far as The Mill is aware, fessed up to having been interested in signing Mahrez when he was worth about 45 pence and playing at Le Havre. There’s time yet.
If United do lose out on Mahrez, they’ll comfort themselves by leaving £36m in a wheelbarrow outside the Mestalla for Valencia’s André Gomes, a central midfielder so silky you could make handkerchiefs with his passing stats.
Wenger, meanwhile, has begun trying to work out how to fill the sink hole that has opened up in Arsenal’s central defence, swallowing all hope of success in Europe this season. He reckons Juventus’s Daniele Rugani could plug it. The Italy Under-21 defender may be allowed to leave Turin, if not permanently, then certainly on a gap-year style loan in which he could spend most of his time digging players 10 years his senior out of trouble.
Watford manager Quique Sanchez Flores reckons he can get former footballer Emmanuel Adebayor up and running again. “The most important thing is that good players want to come to Watford,” said Flores, revealing a taste for dry humour.
Porto’s attacking midfielder Juan Quintero, another pound-shop Lionel Messi, who is on loan at Rennes, is a target for Southampton, apparently. Ronald Koeman has tried to douse rumours of his interest by insisting he doesn’t need any more midfielders. We’re not having that Ronald. And we need another rumour. “I’m very happy with the players we have. I can’t say it’s 100 per cent because it’s football,” he said. So expect Quintero to be a Liverpool player after his £30m move from Saints in the summer of 2017.
QPR are seemingly only interested in having a manager in charge who has experienced being sacked by the club so that they can handle it when they, inevitably, get sacked again. Ian Holloway, who has had plenty time to tend to his chickens since leaving Millwall in March, is expecting a call. In the nine years since Holloway was told to do one by QPR, they have had … erm … come on Wikipedia … ah … 23 managers, caretaker and permanent. That’s a lot of bullets.
Sam Allardyce has said he’s “confused” by Leeds United’s approach to take Liam Bridcutt on loan from Sunderland. The Mill can understand why. Here’s Steve Evans: “We’re literally just waiting now and I think he has the right to consider what options that [Liam Bridcutt] has,” Evans said. “He’s not going to be joining me this afternoon and playing in a derby for Leeds United where he’s shouting ‘Frank’ but it’s really big Sol. That would be a bit difficult, wouldn’t it? But we’ll have an answer by Sunday and if not, we’ll make a decision. I’m still confident and it’s the power of Leeds United really. It’s the power of this football club. I’m absolutely convinced that anybody that doesn’t want to sign for this football club is bonkers.”
Bonkers, yes.
