Well, it was fun while it lasted. But unfortunately Manchester United’s teen goal sensation Marcus Rashford is going to have to accept the fact that he’ll be spending the rest of his life on loan at clubs in the Netherlands, Portugal and Norway now that it seems certain that Louis van Gaal will be replaced in the summer by José Mourinho, who will be overlooking young prospects at Old Trafford in favour of Radamel Falcao. Probably. The Mill might have made that last bit up.
However, Michael Carrick won’t be around when Mourinho pitches up in Manchester. The silky midfielder is off to Everton on a free transfer, although presumably not to replace Gareth Barry, one of the best English players ever. Once there, he’ll be playing in front of a defence that somehow managed to hold mighty Crystal Palace, who have one of the best attacks ever, so Carrick will know he’s making the right decision to play for Roberto Martínez, one of the best exaggerators ever.
Arsenal, Barcelona, Chelsea, United and Tottenham all want to sign the Ajax prodigy Riechedly Bazoer but the Internazionale striker Mauro Icardi wants to stay put, much to the disappointment of Arsenal, City and United, all of whom were really looking forward to the Italian striker spending six underwhelming months in the Premier League before joining Torino on loan.
Leicester City want Sporting Gijón’s defender Luis Hernández. So that’s that, then, Leicester will be signing Sporting Gijón’s defender Luis Hernández. Welcome to the new world. Paris Saint-Germain might be eyeing Leicester’s star midfielder N’Golo Kanté for £20m. But they can do one!
And finally, ostriches in the Villa Park area are beating a hasty retreat after hearing that Mad Nige Pearson is on the way back. Pearson is ready to unleash his sadistic PE teacher act on ailing Aston Villa, who have just put Gabby Agbonlahor on a strict fitness regime for the next two weeks, and he’ll be wanting to see more Theodore Roosevelts and less Franklin Roosevelts.
