“Curses!” went the cry at Arsenal HQ this morning. “Curses! We wanted Sami Khedira, since our defensive midfield is as delicate as the Rumour Mill’s constitution this morning after another evening attempting to drown the horrendous inevitability of life and death in booze. But curses! Those pesky lads in blue have bested us again!” The Mill is summarising, obviously, but we imagine that was the scene as Arsenal read the “news” that Chelsea are nosing their way ahead of the Gunners in the race for the pirate-bearded German spoiler, on the basis that they have something Real Madrid want, specifically goalie Petr Cech. Says here that Real have finally grown weary of Iker Casillas not being as good as he used to be, and after he was usurped at by the younger, better David de Gea for Spain they apparently want to replace him with Cech, available after he was usurped by the younger, better Thibaut Courtois at Stamford Bridge. Good plan. A better plan might be to actually sign the younger, better De Gea, which they want to do as well, but Manchester United will try to head off that particular scheme at the pass by offering their boy a firm, juicy and rather massive new contract worth in the region of £30m.
That might not be the only big noise a-brewin’ at United, and we don’t mean the cries of abject terror from the players as Louis van Gaal drops his trousers to display Little Louis and the Van Gaals once again. No no, for word on the Italian street tells us that a swap deal involving Juan Mata and Arturo Vidal could be in the works, despite such exchanges only occurring once every 100 or so years. And if that one doesn’t come off – which it absolutely will not – they will instead find comfort in the arms of Borussia Dortmund’s Ilkay Gundogan. United might well have room for them in the Old Trafford dressing room as Monaco, for what feels like the 2,347th time, are said to be prepping a colossal contract offer for Wayne Rooney, should they briefly take leave of their senses and think a man whose first touch comes and goes like a particularly indifferent cat is worth all that money and hassle.
While they might not get Khedira, there is some good news for Gooners, in that all those defensive problems of theirs will be solved come January when Arsène Wenger shells out £8m on Virgil van Dijk, a man who has been part of the rather impressive work going on at Celtic these past few weeks, as they cleverly seek to satirise the concept of the Scottish Premiership being uncompetitive by coming sixth in a one-horse race. Just the man Arsenal need! In even further good news (depending on your point of view), Mesut Özil has declared that he has no interest in moving to Bayern Munich, presumably because he got that yen for winning trophies out of his system at Real Madrid, so is just happy to pootle along at Arsenal for the time being. All hail the quiet life.
Speaking of which, sometimes when a simple northern lad comes down to the big bad city it goes badly wrong. The bright lights, the smoggy air and the seeming inability of people to just let you off the bloody train before they barrel their way impatiently on can be too much for a provincial sort, and London eats them up, swills them around, washes them down with a pint of £6 lager that somehow manages to be flat and gassy at the same time, then spits them back out. Not Andy Carroll though, who has taken to life in the capital like a duck to hoisin sauce, so much so that he has no interest in returning to his homeland in the north-east, on the off chance that Newcastle would be interested in taking him back. Apparently he is so keen to stay and prove himself at West Ham that he wouldn’t want to leave even if they tried to sell him, which does sound a little like the woman in Seinfeld who George tries to break up with, only for her to simply reply “No, I don’t think so.”
The poor whelp whose job it is to draw up new contracts at Aston Villa could be in for a long few weeks, for it seems the brass at Villa Park are awfully keen to nail down all their talent. Ron Vlaar is set to be offered new terms to keep him from the dastardly clutches of Manchester United, while a four-year deal has been slapped on the table in front of Fabian Delph. Meanwhile, hairstyling’s Jack Grealish must be feeling pretty good about signing up with Ashley Cole and Gareth Bale’s agent, for it has landed him a new contract worth around £20,000 a week.
Finally, Queens Park Rangers’ top dog Harry Redknapp will rouse himself from the state of terminal apathy he appears to be in these days for just long enough to duke it out with West Ham for Lazio’s full-back Abdoulay Konko. What a way to go out, for both Harry and the Mill.
