When José Mourinho became Manchester United manager, many joked that Juan Mata had already put his house on the market. They were guilty of premature banter – because it turns out Mata is off to nearby Everton.
The Old Trafford door never stops revolving, not even for Chuck Norris. Mourinho is today linked with bids for Derby’s Will Hughes, Juventus’s Paul Pogba – and Pachuca’s Hirving Lozano, a Mexican centre-forward who will fill the void left by Javier Hernández when Louis van Gaal sold him for scoring too many goals. Lozano is nicknamed Chucky and bears a disconcerting facial resemblance to former United player Kieran Richardson. If his Old Trafford career is half as good as Richardson’s, it’ll be a bloody disaster.
United are also interested in Crystal Palace wildcard Yannick Bolasie, though another United – West Ham – are favourites to sign him. Liverpool want £16m for Joe Allen, which can probably be filed under the Junior Soprano/Angie Dickinson list of wants.
Paris Saint-Germain’s attempt to clinch Ligue 1 by the end of August will be boosted by the signing of Whatever Happened To James Rodríguez from Real Madrid
Real Madrid would like to employ Spurs keeper-sweeper Hugo Lloris, and have shown they mean business by buying a new fax machine.
After Chelsea confirmed the signing of Michy Batshuayi, the former Atlético Madrid striker Diego Costa will return to the loving, black-shirted, black-suited, black-tied, black-trousered embrace of Diego Simeone. Chelsea are also interested in Southampton’s Graziano Pellè.
Headline writers of Britain have united in joy at the news that Manchester City want to sign Argentinian keeper Gerónimo Rulli from Real Sociedad to put pressure on potty-mouthed cheerleader Joe Hart. Pep Guardiola is also still hot for John Stones.
Rafa Benítez wants Alvaro Arbeloa, 71, to help Newcastle get out of the Championship. And last, but definitely not least, viral eejit Simone Zaza will be getting those knees nice and high when he jogs on the spot for either Swansea or West Ham next season. What Happened, Mr Simone?
