Anyone who has ever watched Magnolia or Amores Perros (yes, the Mill’s cultural references all stem from 2000 or earlier) will be well aware of the pleasure to be found in a plot woven from several intricately linked stories, each one overlapping with the next to create one overarching and satisfying whole. And there’s more than a hint of that about today’s tales from the tabloids. Apart from the “satisfaction” bit obviously. Oh, and the “pleasure”.
We kick off at Stamford Bridge. After bagging a second Premier League title Branislav Ivanovic will be looking for pastures new, according to the Daily Star. Bayern Munich want the Serbian to rumble up and down their right flank next season.
[WE CUT TO JOSÉ MOURINHO LOOKING WISTFUL ON A HORSE.]
Chelsea will look to offset that disappointment by making a summer move for Radamel Falcao. Manchester United don’t want him but the Colombian wants to stay in the Premier League and, despite the evidence of his first seven months in England, Mourinho wants to offer him the opportunity to do so. Tottenham are also keen, while Valencia would offer an unlikely route back to Spain.
[FALCAO TRAINING MONTAGE. IN SOME SNOW. AFTER 10 MINUTES OF SHANKING SHOTS WIDE OF GOAL HE FINALLY TAPS ONE IN FROM A YARD OUT. FIST PUMP.]
Falcao’s departure means United will join the summer’s big transfer tug of war. Danny Ings is wanted by Liverpool, Tottenham and Real Sociedad and has been scouted by Manchester City and Chelsea but he wants a move to Old Trafford and United want him.
[EXTREME CLOSE UP OF DAVID MOYES’S FACE. A SINGLE TEAR ROLLS DOWN HIS CHEEK.]
Manchester City won’t be too dismayed by missing out, as they have turned their striking attentions to Newcastle’s Ayoze Pérez. And with Manuel Pellegrini’s future hanging by a thread, Rafael Benítez has jumped to the head of the queue for the Etihad hot seat next season.
[TASTEFUL-THOUGH-ALMOST-CERTAINLY-NOT-ESSENTIAL-TO-THE-PLOT SEX SCENE]
Tottenham will brush off defeat in the battle for Ings and instead go toe-to-toe with Atlético Madrid over PSG’s Ezequiel Lavezzi, while across north London Arsenal are lining up a £19m move for Bayern Leverkusen attacking midfielder Hakan Calhanoglu.
[JEFF GOLDBLUM FINALLY WORKS THE WHOLE THING OUT.]
And just before the closing credits, it’s revealed that Liverpool have been the shadowy puppet master behind the maelstrom of interlocking tales and that their move for Newcastle’s Daryl Janmaat is the key to everything, though no one really knows why.
[ROLL CREDITS]
