Louis van Reep will continue in his quest to make Manchester United the longest long-ball team of all time by cashing in on Ángel Di María in the summer, potentially stuffing the Argentinian winger into a big parcel and packing him off to Paris Saint-Germain in an attempt to fund moves for Mats Hummels, Diego Godín and Marquinhos. All three are defenders, but presumably they’ll all be stuck up front with Marouane Fellaini, as Wayne Rooney launches hopeful punts towards them from the right-back position and Juan Mata sits on the bench silently fuming, wondering where it all went wrong. Clever Van Reep!
Arsenal and United will be interested to hear that Paulo Dybala is in a right old huff with the Palermo chairman, Mauro Zamparini, who’s refusing to let him stay up late or something. As such, the Argentinian wonderkid will be sold for £25m at the end of the season, which is bound to show him precisely who’s boss. Then he’ll be sorry.
Another Argentinian who could be on his way to England is River Plate’s Emanuel Mammana. He is a target for Tottenham Hotspur, where he will have the honour of being allowed to breathe the same air as Harry Kane – a dream for many young Argentinian footballers these days.
West Ham are closing in on a free transfer for 2008’s Lassana Diarra. Chelsea are eyeing a move for Internazionale’s “contract rebel” Mauro Icardi, who is busy turning important documents into paper aeroplanes and chucking them at the club’s suits.
Liverpool and Tottenham are both alarmed about the Premier League’s Salomon-deficit now that Salomon Kalou is no longer at Chelsea and they will look to rectify that by battling it out for Zenit St Petersburg’s Salomon Rondon. The striker is someone’s for £16m. Reader, he could be yours for £16m! That’s the beauty of a free market. Probably. The Mill knows little of economics. If it did, it wouldn’t still be writing this nonsense every morning.
And finally, Ronald Koeman wants to bring two Feyenoord midfielders, Jordy Clasie and Tonny Vilhena, to Southampton. He just can’t bear being apart from them any longer.
