Choose life. Choose gullible Arsenal fans getting ridiculously excited about rumours linking them with an £85m summer bid for Antoine Griezmann only to end up predictably disappointed when he goes elsewhere. Choose West Brom and Zenit St Petersburg duking it out for the services of Chelsea defender Branislav Ivanovic, who looks a certainty to leave Stamford Bridge before tomorrow’s Deadline Day.
Choose a middle-aged Scotsman ravaged by age, regret and an air of disappointment. Choose David Moyes at Sunderland choosing Leicester City striker Leonardo Ulloa and stumping up £11m the club can’t afford. Choose Republic of Ireland international Robbie Brady sitting with his pen poised over a Burnley contract at Turf Moor waiting to get the all clear to sign now that Norwich City have agreed a deal to bring Ajax left-back Mitchell Dijks to Carrow Road on loan.
Choose reports from Spain saying Real Madrid president Florentino Perez has lost patience with 29-year-old France striker Karim Benzema and is currently touting him around Arsenal, Chelsea and Paris Saint-Germain. Choose Iggy Pop’s Lust For Life soundtracking Celtic goalkeeper Craig Gordon’s Sick Boy and Renton-style sprint out of Celtic Park, its opening drumbeat booming rhythmically as he turns southeast on Janefield Street, right on to Springfield Road and left on to the A74, stopping for a brew at Gretna Green Services Southbound before hitting the M6, M42, M40, M25, M4 and not stopping until he pulls up panting outside Stamford Bridge.
Choose disgruntled Liverpool fans getting excited about unfounded rumours that Jürgen Klopp would like to bring Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang to Anfield for £70m even though it’s bound to undermine their tedious below-the-line bleating about net spend. Choose In The Know versus Nobody Knows and Aston Villa hitching their skirts at an £8m-rated 26-year-old Middlesbrough striker who can’t get a game in the Premier League’s most goal-shy team. Choose Jordan Rhodes.
Choose keynote speaker and relegation-threatened Crystal Palace manager Sam Allardyce pondering a move for out-of-contract Uruguayan defender Martin Caceres while sitting in his office wondering how the hell it came to this. Choose Palace and Newcastle arranging a swap deal involving the return of full-back Andros Townsend to St James’s Park with DR Congo defender Chancel Mbemba going the other way.
Choose Southampton. Choose Claude Puel closing in on deals to bring Napoli striker Manolo Gabbiadini and Spartak Moscow’s German centre-back Serdar Tasci to St Mary’s. Choose Chinese club Tianjin Quanjian offering Leicester City £38m for Islam Slimani and the Premier League champions telling them to go away.
Choose an army of Sky Sports News reporters mentally bracing themselves for Deadline Day. Choose standing in the cold and rain, occasionally forced to degrade yourself by begging young multi-millionaires who don’t want to speak to you for a banal snatched soundbite. Choose Jim White’s yellow tie. Choose Stoke roll-up man, that purple dildo at Finch Farm and smirking hoodie-wearing ne’er do wells who should be at school. Choose to get excited about your club’s new January steal from Barcelona reserves while sticking your fingers in your ears and shouting “La! La! La!” whenever anyone mentions Rubén Rochina’s spell at Blackburn Rovers. Choose the ones you love. Choose your club’s future. Choose life.
