Having spent something in the region of a gazillion pounds in the past two years, Plucky Little Manchester United, those romantic upstarts who are battling against all the odds, might just be ready for a stab at challenging for the title. Wouldn’t that be amazing? Wouldn’t it just take your breath away? The Mill would be truly flabberghasted if this tiny little club could come out of nowhere and shock the world. There’s definitely a film in this, Gerard Depardieu as Louis van Gaal, Mr Stamper from Tomorrow Never Dies playing Bastian Schweinsteiger.
But first they have to attend to a bit more business. They’re not quite ready yet! They’ve found a bit more cash down the back of the Chevrolet-sponsored sofa and intend to splash it on Barcelona’s Pedro and Real Madrid’s Karim Benzema and Pepe. The Mill cannot foresee anything going wrong in their pursuit of a centre-back from Madrid. Nothing at all.
Gareth Bale is still on their radar as well. It says here that they’ve already had two bids in the region of £100m rebuffed by Madrid but perhaps they’ll return with even more moolah once Paris Saint-Germain have given them £50m or £60m for Angel Di Maria, who famously joined United for a mere £10,000 10 years ago.
As for United’s rivals, Liverpool are going to seal Mario Balotelli in an airtight container and ship him off to Rome, in the hope that Lazio will take him off their hands. Lazio are keen for some reason, but only if they win their Champions League play-off.
And what of Chelsea? Well they appear to have lost their senses after the Community Shield handshake fiasco and have asked Tottenham Hotspur to name their price for Harry Kane Danny Rose.
Southampton would like to sign Celtic’s cockney chimneysweep Virgil van Dijk for £7m and Bournemouth reckon that Crystal Palace’s Glenn Murray is the man to lead them to Premier League safety. They might be right, because Murray is a good striker and get this, the thing about good strikers is that they can score goals.
