Despite being Wiganised to within an inch of his professional life by Roberto Martínez, who seemed determined to turn him into the star of a bloopers show narrated by Chris Kamara, John Stones remains an object of attraction for Chelsea and both Manchester clubs. Not put off by the young defender’s erratic performances all season, the three of them all have their beady eyes on Stones, while Everton want him to stay put. Perhaps Everton can disguise Tony Hibbert as Stones and send him off to Stamford Bridge.
In a surprising development, José Mourinho doesn’t seem to think that Daley Blind has a place in Manchester United’s defence. But his distribution is so good! And he has such lovely hair! And he seems like such a nice young man! José? He’s not listening. Instead he’s closing in on the £30m signing of Villarreal defender Eric “Gary” Bailly.
United are also sniffing around Roma midfielder Miralem Pjanic. But not to be outdone, Manchester City have wrapped up the Premier League title already. They’re busy raiding Borussia Dortmund again and are close to signing £55m goal machine Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang, who will represent something of an upgrade on Wilfried Bony. There’s a home for Big Wilf in China.
Liverpool want a Southampton player. Is this news? They’re willing to pay £30m for Sadio Mané, it says here. Southampton, meanwhile, will tell Graziano Pellè to do one if he rejects their offer of a new contract.
West Ham United and Sunderland want Nice full-back Jérémy Pied, whose name would be funny if that was an ‘s’ instead of a ‘d’. But it’s not, so it’s not.
Tottenham Hotspur are going to provide Mauricio Pochettino with some back-up for Harry Kane at last. AZ Alkmaar striker Vincent Janssen is theirs for £12m.
Antonio Conte has had one look at on YouTube at Baba Rahman’s 2015/16 highlights and, after going for a long lie-down in a dark room, decided that he wants to sign Juventus wing-back Kwadwo Asamoah for £15m. Hibernian are gearing up for their games against Rangers by preparing to appoint Neil Lennon as their new manager.
Arsenal are going to offer Héctor Bellerín a new contract in an attempt to fend off Barcelona’s interest. Aye, that’ll do it. If it makes them feel any better, Newcastle United’s relegated midfielder Moussa Sissoko has his heart set on joining Arsenal.
