Zlatan Ibrahimovic will grant an audience to Manchester United envoys so long as they travel with with sparkling limousines full of gold and one ironclad assurance that Louis van Gaal will be philosophising somewhere far away from Old Trafford next season. That, at any rate, is what one report claims, as it is understood that Ibra was unimpressed by Van Gaal’s suggestion that he is too old to be part of United’s future. How much Van Gaal has to do with United’s future is unclear but there is mounting bemusement at his handling of the club’s present, with the Sun claiming that mutiny is brewing among United’s players following the team’s confused display at White Hart Lane and, in particular, Van Gaal’s criticism of Marcus Rashford. And even neutrals were angered on Sunday by Van Gaal’s decision to play Ashley Young in three different positions, including at centre-forward, when everyone knows that Young is at his most useful spinning through the air with a pained expression on his mug.
If a man takes off his wedding ring and hurls it into a latrine, you know something’s up. If a woman holds up a photo of David Cameron and then sets it on fire, there’s a deduction to be made from that. But if a man removes a couple of words from his Twitter profile, let’s not lose the run of ourselves, yes? So all you organs declaring that Jordon Ibe is on his way out of Liverpool because he no longer mentions the club on his Twitter thing, stop it.
The Mill has mentioned Liverpool but that doesn’t mean we’re joining the club. Ipswich Town youngster Andre Dozzell – yes, Jason’s son – could be on his way to Anfield, however. And so could Piotr Zielinski, with the 21-year-old midfielder, currently on loan at Empoli from Udinese, declaring that Liverpool have been chatting to him. Jürgen Klopp is also said to be keen on Borussia Mönchengladbach’s 20-year-old midfielder Mahmoud Dahoud. Bayern Munich have indicated that if Klopp is still interested in Mario Götze when the summer comes, the pair can talk. The Daily Star, meanwhile, reports that Götze’s girlfriend likes to wear a bikini when on the beach. More as we get it.
Everton have had just about had enough of Roberto Martínez. No, sorry, we misread that: Everton have had just about enough of speculation saying Roberto Martínez will be replaced by Marcelo Bielsa. Insiders say reports that the club met the Chilean to discuss him taking over at Goodison Park are untrue. They were just discussing cooking recipes. No, sorry, we misread that: they didn’t even meet and had absolutely no discussions whatsoever, not even about the weather.
Manchester City have got it into their heads that they need a new centre-back, someone who can keep the door shut at the back. Aymeric Laporte sounds like just the man for them, reckons Pep Guardiola.
West Ham’s scouts reckon they’ve found another gem. Unfortunately for them the Daily Star is telling everyone else about their discovery so now everyone’s going to check out the striker Gustavo Bou of Racing Club in Argentina. He could be the man to replace Diafra Sakho, who, according to the Sun, has had a strong difference of opinion with Slaven Bilic.
Arsène Wenger is considering signing the highly talented 18-year-old midfielder Renato Sanches and is expected to have arrived at a decision in a couple of years, by which time the player will have moved from Benfica to Manchester United.
Thibaut Courtois fancies a move to Real Madrid and might get one if the Spaniards can’t prise David de Gea away from Old Trafford. Eden Hazard also fancies a move to Real and might get one if he ever pulls his finger out. As things stand, Real are reluctant to pay £80m for a moody Blue. Mind you, apparently Roma are prepared to pay good money for Branislav Ivanovic.
