Tottenham Hotspur are interested in hiring a new waiter for their cheese hall and have heard that Barcelona’s Malcom knows how to work a room. However, Arsenal might ask the Brazilian forward if he fancies playing football for them instead. A tough choice.
Arsenal have also told Aaron Ramsey that he can leave on a free transfer next summer. Unai Emery is lining up Nicolò Barella, Miguel Almirón and Héctor Herrera as potential replacements for the Wales midfielder, who should probably just join West Ham on a fat contract and then immediately suffer a season-ending thigh strain.
Speaking of freebies, Juventus are planning a swoop for Juan Mata. The Spaniard has less than a year left on his deal with Manchester United. It remains to be seen whether he invites José Mourinho to his leaving drinks.
Wolves are after a new striker. Does Liverpool’s Divock Origi fit the bill? Nuno Espirito Santo continues to be linked with the Belgian striker, who scored seven goals during his loan spell with Wolfsburg last season. News that Raheem Sterling is set to sign a new contract with Manchester City will be celebrated by everyone apart from those whose mission in life is to demonise the England forward, with Piers Morgan set to argue that the 23-year-old’s worrying pen habit risks promoting ink poisoning.
Having already nabbed Jadon Sancho from City, Borussia Dortmund reckon they can get Phil Foden for what the Mill is obliged to describe as a cheeky £175,000.
The Premier League champions could also lose Brahim Diaz to Real Madrid, who have not ruled out Antonio Conte as their new manager. Samuele Allardici also remains available.
