Boxing Day, beers and black eyes – football’s festive period is rich in tradition. And this year’s iteration is now well under way, with Manchester United pretending that they’re going to buy players in January. Most particularly, they hope to finally replace the velveteen first touch, subtle finishing and stylistic flourishes of Romelu Lukaku with those of Erling Braut Haaland, who intends to leave Unnamed Energy Drink Salzburg. And United are also seeking to sign a defensive midfielder – though may settle for a midfieldive defender in Declan Rice.
A couple of players may also leave Old Trafford. Ashley Young, who has now been at United for more than eight years (!) is entertaining thoughts of a move after losing his place in the team. As a reward for his service, the club will not stand in the way of any buyer seeking a player able to feint outside, chug inside, and then effortlessly paste a cross past miles past the back post. Also thinking about leaving is Nemanja Matic, with Milan mooted as a possible destination - but there are doubts about his ability to walk from passport control to the taxi rank in the time during which the transfer widow is open.
Across Manchester, Pep Guardiola has taken a fancy to Internazionale’s Lautaro Martínez, who he would like to buy as a long-term replacement for the long-term replacement for Sergio Agüero he already bought, Gabriel Jesus. But Barcelona have already spoken to the player – Ernesto Valverde would love to make him the next exciting signing kept out of the team by Luis Suárez, for reasons unintelligible to the human mind.
Elsewhere, José Mourinho – though he famously prefers to develop players rather than buy them – is again looking to buy players rather than develop them. He is interested in Max Aarons, the Norwich right-back, and Nathan Ferguson, the West Brom defender, though which of the two he would choose to persecute mercilessly is unclear at this stage. Otherwise, Mourinho plans to conduct significant Tottenham squad refurbishment in the summer, spending as much money as possible on players his successor will hate.
Spurs’ attention has also been attracted by Jarrod Bowen – and not just because he’s called Jarrod Bowen. Bowen plays for Hull City either in midfield or on the wing, and though Newcastle are also keen, they do not want to pay the £20m asking price – though Mike Ashley will happily contribute some Skechers trainers and Gola towelling socks, as well as a large mug. Daniel Levy, meanwhile – making the opening move in what promises to be one of the great ego-offs – has reminded Mourinho about that time he said he was happy with the players available to him, so has no desire to ask for money in January.
On London’s west side, Chelsea are slowly recovering from a devastating transfer ban under which only Christian Pulisic, Tammy Abraham, Fikayo Tomori, Reece James and Mason Mount were added to their squad in the summer. Frank Lampard, whose team have conceded more goals than any of the other top nine clubs, is understandably prioritising an attacker of some sort, considering Samuel Chukwueze of Villarreal, Wilfried Zaha of Crystal Palace, Leon Bailey of Bayer Leverkusen and Moussa Dembélé of Lyon.
Meanwhile Liverpool, having on Thursday morning signed Takumi Minamino, are also keeping an eye on Federico Bernardeschi, who is struggling to get a game at Juventus, and will no doubt be desperate to sit on the bench at Anfield instead, swapping Lake Como for the Leeds and Liverpool canal.
