Home, says the Mill from beneath a pile of crisp packets, nail clippings and loose change in its hovel, is definitely where the heart is. Therefore no one should be remotely surprised that Wayne Rooney has decided 13 years at Manchester United was basically an extended gap year and, before he morphs into the character Tim Key plays in the sort-of funny E4 comedy of that name, he’s shedding the henna tattoos and coming back to Everton for home cooking and lifts everywhere. Apparently there is a will on all sides to make it happen, and United might even waive a transfer fee; someone should probably check that Ronald Koeman realises Rooney isn’t 18 anymore.
But perhaps Rooney is simply part of a trend towards a simpler life, a rejection of the jobbing footballer’s fernweh. Jermain Defoe returning to West Ham is not a rumour for the creatively-minded but would be on the cards if Sunderland went down and, like Rooney, he might be allowed to head back where it all started without so much as a penny switching between the clubs’ bank accounts.
There are plenty more big hitters in today’s mix, with our heroes unfazed by the prospect of being out-headlined by international friendlies. Who would be Mesut Özil at the moment? From subject of giddy internet assist compilations one minute, to barely-visible lightning rod for the perceived wrongs of Arsenal’s latest lemming impersonation the next, the German star will pass up on a new contract and Fenerbahce believe they might just be able to lure him to Turkey. They’ve space for a marquee signing – as soon as they move another Arsenal fans’ darling, Robin van Persie, off the payroll this summer.
Perhaps Van Persie should wait for a call from Chelsea, who look like shedding a couple of strikers. Diego Costa is a safe enough bet to leave and has been explaining how he “tried everything” – literally everything – to return to Atlético Madrid last summer. But his deputy, the lesser-spotted Michy Batshuayi, is likely to be on his way too – probably on a season-long loan to West Ham, who had been keen on paying him to play some actual football last year before he eventually moved to Stamford Bridge.
At least Chelsea have bulked up further down the pitch – if you believe the information that they’ve agreed personal terms to sign Monaco’s midfield dynamo, and slayer of Manchester City, Tiemoué Bakayoko, once the season is done.
Liverpool will finally strengthen at left-back by jettisoning Alberto Moreno and snapping up Schalke’s Bosnian defender Sead Kolasinac on a Bosman, according to reports. And it’s an area of the pitch causing considerable interest elsewhere in the north-west, with Manchester City intent on beating the might of Real Madrid to Espanyol’s Aaron Martin – who is definitely not the Oxford United centre-back of the same name.
One final dispatch is that Gerard Deulofeu could leave Everton for the club that reared him, Barcelona, upon the expiry of his loan at Milan. From providing Rooney with a home again, to allowing the Spaniard to rediscover his; a heartwarming note upon which to end.
