Manchester United have decided that spending upwards of £30m on the Borussia Dortmund defender Mats Hummels would be madness, and are planning to save around a third of their cash by settling for Tottenham’s Jan Vertonghen instead. The remains of the pot, and then some, the Rumour Mill will be bound, will go on the Roma midfielder Kevin Strootman.
Petr Cech won’t sit around on the bench at Chelsea for the rest of his career. He’s either off to Arsenal, or if José Mourinho has his way, anyone but Arsenal. Milan meet that particular remit.
Arsenal will console themselves with a bid for the Benfica defender Maxi Pereira. Liverpool are in for the Uruguay international too, but Brendan Rodgers is destined to spend the rest of the season staring exactly one thousand yards into the distance, not really focusing on anything as his eyes fill up with a hot, salty discharge, and Dejan Lovren performs his act.
Arsenal have also hatched plans to replace Arsène Wenger with Pep Guardiola. There’s a reason we’ve left this one until last, and it’s got nothing to do with going out on a high, or leaving the audience wanting more.
