And it goes a little something like this: having moved his mind to Madrid last year, Eden Hazard will ship his body to the Bernabeu at the end of the season. According to reports, Real Madrid will get him for a chip-cheap £32.5m.
That means little room at the Bernabeu Inn for James Rodríguez, the winner of the Moral Golden Ball at the 2014 World Cup. He will join Manchester United once they work out how to fit him in a starting XI alongside Wayne Rooney, Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Harry Kane, Marcus Rashford, Anthony Martial and Marouane Fellaini’s chest.
Southampton starlet Matthew Le Tissier has signed a pre-contract agreement to play for Terry Venables at Tottenham.
United might also need to find room for Gareth Bale. Some chip paper or other says Bale has decided to leave Madrid and will join either United or Manchester City, depending on whether the lure of Capital One Cup football or Champions League football is stronger.
Manchester United have been linked with Russian stopper Rinat Dasayev. Boss Alex Ferguson wants the man described as Europe’s best goalkeeper to battle for a first-team spot with Chris Turner.
Lads, It’s Tottenham FC are taking a different approach in the transfer market. They want to sign up-and-coming players, which in today’s tabloids means Rennes teenage sensation Ousmane Dembélé – we all dream of a team of Dembélés - and Bournemouth striker Callum Wilson. West Ham are also keeping a beady one on Wilson.
Liverpool gaffer Bill Shankly has agreed to take Huddersfield maverick Frank Worthington to Anfield. The deal is subject to a medical that is expected to be a formality.
Arsène Wenger has finally lost patience with Theo Walcott, who will be told to run really fast in a straight line until he reaches the Olympic Stadium, where Slaven Bilic will be waiting with an inscrutable, slightly menacing expression and a personalised West Ham shirt.
Sheffield United will boost their promotion challenge with the signing of unknown Argentinian Diego Maradona from Argentinos Juniors.
Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain could return to Southampton, while Arsenal will also listen to offers for Kieran Gibbs.
Roy Keane has verbally agreed to move to Blackburn Rovers from Nottingham Forest.
And finally, Swansea have refused to rule out a move to make the Duchess of Cambridge their manager for next season. “All the options are there,” said the chairman Huw Jenkins.
