Spurs are on tenterhooks about Harry Kane. They are terrified the next time he opens his face, the words “We need to talk” will fall out. The word on the street is that Kane will join FC Do One in the summer.
Christian Eriksen’s move to Real Madrid is also still alive and wheezing.
Goals are to Manchester United what love was to LL Cool J; what a vacation was to the Terminator; what a little time to think it over was to the Beautiful South. To that end, they will attempt to alleviate dry, goalless January by signing Callum Wilson from Bournemouth. If that fails, they will continue their policy of buying young British talent by making a move for Juventus geriátrico Mario Mandzukic.
United are also keen to plug the almighty hole in the centre of the pitch by signing one-man midfield Thomas Partey from Atlético Madrid. Partey reportedly has a release clause of €50m. If the Mill hadn’t blown the savings on the emergency baked beans supply, we’d buy him ourselves.
United’s alternative midfield target is West Ham’s Declan Rice, who will cost £80m, or €90.01m, it says here. They are also interested in James Maddison, Jadon Sancho and absolutely anybody who isn’t in their current pile of wrong.
Maurizio Sarri was sufficiently impressed with Willian’s ability to run and stuff that he wants to take him from Chelsea to Juventus.
Leicester want to sign Burak Ince, a precocious 15-year-old midfielder who is already in the first team at the Turkish club Altinordu.
Bolton are not dead, but they will sign Joseph Dodoo subject to clearance. Dodoo, the former Rangers striker, is a free agent.
Southend have interviewed Sol Campbell for their vacant manager’s job. And somewhere in the world, Phil Brown looks longingly at a picture of the Southend crest, and solemnly inserts his Nothing Compares 2 U CD.
