These are exciting times in the English Premier League. Sure, Leicester are about to make everyone else look like complete galoots and shuffling, hand-wringing incompetents by winning the title, while in second place Tottenham are playing thrilling attacking football with a collection of youngsters that could be around for a generation, but there’s something even more exciting on the horizon. Yes folks, we are but weeks away from the opening of the transfer window, and boy is everybody getting giddy about it already.
And why wouldn’t you, with absolutely piping hot rumours like Antoine Griezmann heading from Atlético Madrid to … Chelsea? The Stamford Bridge squad is set to undergo a thorough wash and brush up in the summer, with Antonio Conte arriving to run the rule over things like a stern sergeant major who shouts at everyone but who you still can’t quite take seriously because you’re constantly thinking ‘Is that a wig? Come on, it’s a wig, isn’t it? It must be a wig. You’ve at least had plugs, because if you look at this photo from a few years ag … what’s that? The bench? Yes boss. Sorry boss.’ Griezmann has bagged an impressive 29 goals this season as Atléti slightly implausibly find themselves hot on Barcelona’s heels, and you’d imagine will rip it up at the Euros this summer, so Conte seemingly reckons Griezmann will be just the chap for him. The Mirror also reports that room on the wage bill will be made by cutting Radamel Falcao, Alexandre Pato and Loïc Rémy loose. Meanwhile, recent noises made by Thibaut Courtois suggesting he might wish to do one in the summer have given Chelsea cause to run the rule over Southampton’s wall of human flesh Fraser Forster. Chelsea could also be set to nab Fulham youngster Moussa Dembélé, who was apparently at their game against Manchester City at the weekend, an invite that probably seemed like a good idea at the time but might not have done much to persuade the lad that Stamford Bridge was the place for him, while Valencia defender Aymen Abdennour is also said to be causing heads to turn. Finally for Chelsea, Eden Hazard supposedly wants to stay, which given his form this season presumably caused those at the Bridge to smile thinly and say ‘Oh, great, yeah, that’s … great.’
Across London, life is pretty peachy for Tottenham at the moment, but like the great big spoilers of fun and ‘older siblings who don’t want the toy, they just don’t want you to have the toy’ that they are, Bayern Munich and Real Madrid are both thinking of ruining things by swooping for Harry Kane. They have at least both asked to be kept informed of the Spurs striker’s movements, a wording that could actually lead to some unfortunate misunderstandings and some rather unpleasant charts delivered to Spain and Germany. Speaking of the big boys ruining things, Juventus have supposedly decided that N’Golo Kanté is the man for them, tabbed as the player to replace poor old Claudio Marchisio, whose knee exploded like the Hosnian System at the weekend.
There’s a storm coming, Mr Wayne. And that storm is José Mourinho, increasingly confident of getting the Manchester United job and already making plans as such. Rather depressingly he appears to have taken one look at the youthful vim, vigour and goals of Marcus Rashford and decided that he needs something else instead, that something else specifically being Zlatan Ibrahimovic. Mate, come on, eh? Other players he will bring in include Benfica tyro Renato Sanches (a good word to say in a Mancunian accent, FYI) and Everton ditherer/future of English defending John Stones. Out on their respective arses might be Michael Carrick, whose contract is up in the summer, and Juan Mata, who has already been sold by José once and he ain’t afraid to do it again. United have also been scouting at Sporting, with midfielders João Mário and William Carvalho catching their collective eye.
Elsewhere, it seems like the base of midfield is where it is at, with both Arsenal and Manchester City looking to spend big on the tackling types. Headline writers across the land will be praying the Gooners pull off their mooted move for Granit Xhaka, while they might have more of a struggle getting Ilkay Gündoğan into something pithy and amusing, but should he sign for City they’ll have a damn good try anyway. City, it says here, are also mulling over a move for Celtic left-back Kieran Tierney.
Finally, there’s a queue forming for Marseille forward Michy Batshuayi, and just behind Tottenham, Juventus and West Ham you can see Liverpool, standing on their tippy-toes and waving a wad of cash, in an effort to join the £30m scrum for the Belgian.
