Like a particularly exciting version of a game of Guess Who?, speculation abounds over the identity of the “surprise” acquisition Louis van Gaal has promised Manchester United fans is on his way to Old Trafford. Speaking at the Avya Stadium after his team had beaten San Jose Earthquakes 3-1, the Dutchman was in playful mood as he toyed with journalists desperate to find out who it is exactly that he plans to sign up.
Journalists: “Does he have glasses?”
Van Gaal: “No”.
Journalists: “Does he have red hair?”
Van Gaal: “No.”
Journalists: “Does he have a beard?”
Van Gaal: “Mmm … sometimes.”
Journalists: “Does he have a big nose?”
Van Gaal: “No.”
Journalists: “Is he wearing a hat?”
Van Gaal: “No.”
Journalists: “Is he bald?”
Van Gaal: “No.”
Journalists: “Is it 30-year-old Juventus striker Fernando Llorente?”
Van Gaal: “D’oh!”
Well, that’s what the Mirror is reporting, although Van Gaal himself has hinted, in his own cryptic way, that the player in question is not a striker. In less surprising news, Sergio Ramos has still got the radge on with his Real Madrid overlords and Spanish newspaper AS report that the 29-year-old defender has agreed personal terms with Manchester United, who want him and Real’s Costa Rican goalkeeper Keylor Navas in exchange for David de Gea.
Desperate to hog the transfer rumour headlines, United continue to be linked with Bayern Munich striker Thomas Müller. Elsewhere at Old Trafford, that white van parked at the tradesman’s exit contains two burly representatives from Paris Saint-Germain, who hope to bundle Ángel Di María into the back of their vehicle and speed off towards the French capital before the week is out. By way of compensating United for their loss, they’ll leave £45m in used tenners and twenties, although United are reported to be looking for nearer £60m.
Liverpool fans wondering what all the dithering over Christian Benteke’s unveiling can rest easy: photos of the beaming Belgian holding a red jersey with his surname across the shoulders are expected to be released into the public domain any minute now.
Following a less than stellar spell at Tottenham Hotspur, Romanian central defender Vlad Chiriches looks to be on his way out of White Hart Lane, with Fiorentina and Galatasaray both interested in taking him off the Tottenham payroll. Further up the field towards the opposition goal, Spurs are sniffing around Stuttgart striker Timo Werner and apostrophe-tastic Lyon forward Clinton N’Jie.
Available on as free transfer but laid up with an injury that could keep him sidelined until Christmas, Aston Villa defender Ron Vlaar is wanted by Feyenoord, while Serie A side Roma are believed to be giving Arsenal goalkeeper Wojiciech Szczesny a career lifeline, now that he’s plummeted further down the pecking order at the Emirates.
In other marginalised player news, West Brom are discussing the possibility of taking Rickie Lambert off Liverpool’s hands, while Sunderland are eyeing up another Spurs outcast in the shape of midfielder Mousa Dembélé.
