And we’re off! Chelsea want to increase their consonant/vowel ratio by signing Henrikh Mkhitaryan, the most famous Armenian since those moody fellas from The Shield, from Borussia Dortmund. They also want Juventus defender Leonardo Bonucci, although they’d prefer it if he was called Lnrd Bncc.
Bayern Munich are keen to sign Alexis from Hot Chip to be their matchday DJ and add a few puckish bleeps to the loop of Seven Nation Army. Wait, hang on, they want to sign Alexis Sánchez from Arsenal. Whoops. Silly us.
Arsenal will solve their need for a midfield hard man by signing a chap called Granit: that’s Granit Xhaka of Borussia Mönchengladbach. They also fancy a piece – well, a whole – of Chelsea teenager Dominic Solanke.
Manchester City still want Ilkay Gündogan, just like they did last week, and the week before. And Jürgen Klopp will buy Cologne’s fat-free defender Jonas Hector.
Roma are planning a raid of the Premier League’s finest. In the unlikely event that doesn’t fail, they will sign Wojciech Szczesny permanently and Marouane Fellaini.
Diego Maradona has told Napoli to sign Harry Kane to bring back some memories of the good times. And Marquinhos is bored of playing only two important matches a season at PSG and will move to England in the summer. Chelsea, Manchester United and Arsenal are all waiting with an enthusiasm which verges on the sincere.
