Have you seen the film The Road? Based on Cormac McCarthy’s novel, it’s a particularly bleak story of a post-apocalyptic world that has been ravaged by some sort of non-specific calamity, the earth scorched and civilisations laid to waste. Life as we know it is largely wiped out, with only a few morsels of humanity and signs of anything sentient remaining. It’s a grim, featureless experience, two hours of cinema that you wouldn’t necessarily suggest going to see on a date.
That’s sort of what the landscape of the gossip world looks like today, in these dark few weeks after the transfer deadline, when agents are lying down with a cool flannel on their foreheads and journalists are coating their typing fingers in a soothing balm, resting and preparing for the busy times that will come again, and very soon.
Still, the Rumour Mill is nothing if not stoic, a dedicated miner of stuff like this, so we’ll dig and dig and dig to find you something. How about this – apparently José Mourinho has become so weary of Branislav Ivanovic’s loose impression of a professional footballer that he has sent out his scouts with the express intention of finding a new right-back. Ivanovic is out of contract at the end of this season – as is John Terry, as it goes – and given that he’s playing a little like a man who has been sitting down cross-legged for too long and has constant pins and needles in his feet, someone else could be required to play on the flank of the Chelsea defence. This, of course, could awaken the beast that was the John Stones transfer saga, like raising the Kraken from the deep, but for the moment let’s just hope and pray that one remains on the ocean floor.
Hey, look at this – Mesut Özil’s agent reckons his man could move to Fenerbahce next summer. Apparently the Turkish side “seem serious” about north London’s finest Marty Feldman lookalike, but the Rumour Mill has seemed serious about a lot of things that didn’t come to fruition (like making this collection of tittle-tattle entertaining, for example), so it doesn’t necessarily mean that this one will actually happen. Anyway, there’s no suggestion that Arsenal will sell or that Özil really wants to go, so let’s chalk this one up as a Mr 15% opening his cakehole and doing what a Mr 15% does.
Pfffft. What else have we got? Well, Southampton are going to celebrate their vaguely indifferent start to the season by handing Ronald Koeman a fresh new contract on a lovely platter, in the hope of seeing off interest from Holland. Danny Blind currently has that gig, but it turns out the Dutch might be after someone a bit better, and the man who was gonna flick one now, HE’S GONNA FLICK ONE, HE’S GONNA FLICK ONE, AND IT’S IN! is the sort of character they have in mind.
To go with Ronald’s big new deal, the Saints are also mulling over a move for Leeds United right-back Sam Byram, who’ll cost them £8m. Swansea are also keen, though, so we could be in for a full-on wrestle between the two Best Run Clubs in Britain (TM).
One man who doesn’t need a new contract is Neymar, and we know this because his old man, Papa Neymar, said so. Presumably, therefore all speculation about him can end and there will be absolutely no more suggestion that he will leave Barcelona. Right? Right?
Also in the staying put stakes is Manchester United’s James Wilson, who looked all set to go out on loan but, perhaps having noted that Louis van Gaal’s striking options are thinner than the bloke in a vest and pants who used to advertise Mr Muscle, he’s sticking it out in the hope of getting a game there.
Which seems like an appropriately underwhelming note to end this edition of the Mill on.
