It has not taken José Mourinho long to address Manchester United’s failings. For four years now, the team has suffered from a chronic lack of pace, and as such, he has already awarded Michael Carrick a new contract, signed Zlatan Ibrahimovic, and signed off on Wayne Rooney’s testimonial. But the greats are never satisfied, so it is no surprise to learn of his desire to fish Cesc Fàbregas out of Chelsea’s bargain bin, especially given the midfielder’s outstanding performances that helped earn Mourinho the sack last season. Form is temporary but infallibility is permanent.
Fàbregas is likely to become available because Antonio Conte retains an interest in four central-midfielders who are not him: Radja Nainggolan of Roma, N’Golo Kanté of Leicester, João Mário of Sporting and André Gomes of Valencia. But this is all very confusing, because Gomes is also Mourinho’s back-up for when Paul Pogba finally breaks the blindingly obvious non-news. And at that point, United will also step up their interest in Moussa Sissoko, because he is also a footballer.
Across Manchester, Pep Guardiola is also experiencing the unusual sensation of not getting his own way. He may be the finest coach ever to inherit the best players in Europe, but Leroy Sané has yet to inform Schalke of any desire to sign for him – something they insist he must do in order to make it happen. City are willing to pay £40m for him, or, put another way, £784,313.73 for each senior appearance he has made. Should the deal fail to happen, Guardiola plans to stare with philosophical, yet approachable intensity before thcreaming and thcreaming till he’s thick.
But he has other plans too, most particularly buying a centre-back entirely unsuited to the practice of defending, as is his wont. This time, his target is John Stones of Paint Trophy and Everton fame, and Stones, keen on the move has told his new manager as much. Choking back tears of fury and laughter at the sheer effrontery of it all, Ronald Koeman will endeavour to keep a straight face while demanding £50m.
When Stones leaves, Koeman plans to replace him with a defender, namely Kalidou Koulibaly of Napoli – a particular attraction is the opportunity to insert his name into a terrace version of Waltzing Matilda. The price, if they can persuade him not to join Chelsea, is likely to be close to what they’re asking for Stones, because why wouldn’t it be?
Another player on Everton’s radar is Wesley Sneijder, who has signed for Manchester United in each of the past 14 transfer windows but currently plays for Galatasaray. He is piqued by their European ban, and with good reason: what is Wesley Sneijder without the Champions League, what is the Champions League without Wesley Sneijder? Exactly.
And Galatasaray are also interested in Wilfried Bony, of whom Manchester City are desperate to be shot. This is principally down to his not being very good at running, shooting, controlling, dribbling or passing, but they – and Swansea – remain undeterred.
Finally, in other striker news, Real Madrid have decided not to sell Álvaro Morata to Chelsea or anyone else, unless they pay lots more money than they or anyone else think he’s worth, which sounds far from unlikely. Meanwhile, Arsenal plan to offer £42m and Oliver Giroud for Gonzalo Higuaín; it is thought that Napoli will hold out for £42m.
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