The summer is an uneventful time in Football, polluted by the distracting tedium of major international tournaments. Luckily, the reliable old sport of Transfers is there to save us, with warchests and wantaways aplenty.
Football geniuses José Mourinho and Pep Guardiola have taken no time whatsoever to deduce precisely what their teams lacked last season: a flimsy, flashy centre-back. As such, the pair will do battle for John Stones, whose elegant errors are widely recognised as the future of defending. As the old saying goes, one man’s snub is another man’s statement signing.
And, it is understood, City do not plan to stop there. The blank cheque given to Guardiola means that, despite the unqualified success enjoyed by Jesús Navas and Raheem Sterling, the club are in the market for another winger. Leroy Sané of Schalke is the man – though perhaps his younger brother, little Sidi Sané, would be a better fit. Leroy is expected to cost in the region of £40m, though Real Madrid are also thought to be interested.
United, meanwhile, have been placed on red alert by the news that Henrikh Mkhitaryan has refused a new contract offer from Borussia Dortmund. Though Arsenal are also potential suitors, his agent has helpfully revealed that his preferred project lies at Old Trafford.
United, meanwhile, still intend to snare Zlatan Ibrahimovic – this despite the fact that Alan Green – Alan Green! – considers him arrogant. Alan Green! The medical will be conducted once the European Championship finals are over, with both sides relaxed about their relaxation.
But what’s this! Reports in Germany suggest that Bayern Munich have entered the race; Carlo Ancelotti managed the player at Paris Saint-Germain, and is concerned that Robert Lewandowski has had his head turned by Real Madrid.
Elsewhere, Dimitri Payet’s agent has been drumming up interest by playing down interest, issuing a come-and-get-me plea disguised as a hands-off warning. “To get him now, you’ve got to be talking ridiculous money,” he said of his pension plan. “But football is football”.
Meanwhile, new Everton manager Ronald Koeman has drawn up his transfer wishlist, and top of it, of course, is Newcastle’s goalkeeper Tim Krul. Koeman may also enter the chase for Zenit’s Axel Witsel, but is unsure whether he can face dealing with Bradley Walsh.
Slightly further south, Stoke manager Nottony Pulis is looking for reinforcements, so is keen to attract Saido Berahino from West Brom. The Throstles face the prospect of losing the player for nothing in 12 months’ time, and as such, £5m might be enough to persuade them to do business.
And finally for today, a cliffhanger: Arsenal loanee Wojciech Szczesny has paused between Capstans to speak about his future. With his plans for next season up in the air, he revealed that even while talking about his future, he is ‚“not thinking about my future”; thus were language, idiom and the human condition defeated in a single triple-swoop.
