When it comes to assuaging the impact of life’s vicissitudes, the Mill has always believed in the power of retail therapy. It’s true that we own 47 Top Man T-shirts that still have the labels on them, and that £500 treadmill still hasn’t seen any action, but it was worth spunking the monkey for that instant hit of feelgood goodness that allowed us for a split-second to forget the essential futility of life.
Barcelona, it seems, would concur with that philosophy. According to the Spanish grapevine, they plan to respond to their failure to be as good as social-media foghorns prematurely presumed them to be by paying £50m for West Ham’s free-kick freak Dimitri Payet.
There’s no easy way to segue to the next rumour, so we’re just going to head straight to the news that Chelsea are considering a £63.5m bid for Real Madrid good guy Sergio Ramos. Hang on, £63.5m for a 30-year-old? It’s almost as if this stuff isn’t actually going to happen!
Juventus want to do Christian Benteke a solid by preparing an escape tunnel from Anfield to Turin. It’ll cost £20m to build.
Manchester United haven’t a hope in hell of resigning Cristiano Ronaldo, so they’re going for the next best thing: Naldo, Wolfsburg’s 33-year-old defender who put them out of the Champions League.
Mauricio Pochettino and Claudio Ranieri have stripped to the waist and slapped baby oil all over their tingling flesh in preparation for a sumo wrestle. The winner gets to sign Pescara goal machine Gianluca Lapadula.
Leicester are also keen on Milan teenager Manuel Locatelli, but so are Arsenal. Ranieri has wearily ordered some more baby oil.
Arsenal will soon be involved in other tugs of love for Charlton’s Regan Charles-Cook (also wanted by Liverpool) and PSG defender Marquinhos (Chelsea, Manchester United).
Finally, if United sack José Mourinho before they’ve even appointed him, PSG will be waiting for him with a loving embrace, oodles of cash and a smiling David Luiz.
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