Andrew Robertson, who did a nice goal against England once, is apparently off to Manchester United. Signing the Hull City left-back for £15m will presumably allow Louis van Gaal to play Anthony Martial in his proper position, which is anywhere but up front, his proper position. Confused? That’s because you’re not clever enough to understand where Van Gaal is going with this, stupid people. If he wanted you to understand, he wouldn’t have played Ashley Young as a striker against Tottenham Hotspur.
José Fonte is whispering sweet nothings in Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain’s ear in an attempt to get the knee-knacked Arsenal winger to return to Southampton. Luckily for Fonte, Arsenal’s eyes are elsewhere, with the ever profligate Arsène Wenger tabling a opening bid of £24m for Borussia Mönchengladbach midfielder Granit Xhaka. Money is no object! Unless Gladbach even think about asking for £24.1m. Then the deal’s off. What do they take Wenger for? Some kind of fool who was born yesterday?
Arsenal are also after Marseille’s Mario Lemina, who has struggled for opportunities on loan at Juventus, while Tottenham are planning on reviving their interest in Southampton’s £18m midfielder Victor Wanyama. They couldn’t get him last year but the heart wants what the heart wants.
Pep “Pep” Guardiola wants Real Madrid right-back Dani Carvajal. It’s like he doesn’t think that Manchester City have a good defence. How rude.
And finally, Real Madrid, Barcelona and Bayern Munich are all going to have to concede defeat in the race to sign Ousmane Dembélé. Leicester City want him as well, so that’s that.
