What the Premier League is really missing is a celebration routine we all love to hate. Gareth Bale’s taken his heart, trademarked it and swanned off to Real Madrid with it but where are the rest? The woefully unathletic cartwheel (Robbie Keane), the you, and you, and you, and you, and you, and you (Benjani), the DJ or the long-range putt (both Emile Heskey) … All that’s left is Daniel Sturridge’s dreadful dance and we never see that in the Premier League anyway.
But things are looking up. Because Antoine Griezmann says he wants to play at the same club as Paul Pogba. He’ll cost big beans but he’s been impressed with what Pogba has had to say about Manchester United and most importantly he has all those celebrations, where his hands seem to turn into phones, the archer, the sucking his thumb and pointing – all which make your blood curdle.
So Griezmann is lukewarm on Manchester United but Everton are just mad about Memphis - and Ronald Koeman needs to move fast to get his man. Juventus aren’t quite as mad about Depay but if they fail in their pursuit of Real Madrid’s Haaaaam-eeez Rodriguez, they’ll be after the Dutchman too.
Trouble in north London now with pen not being put to paper by Alexis Sánchez nor Harry Kane. Sánchez has a year to go on his current deal while at Arsenal while Kane’s talks with Tottenham have frozen, alerting all of the Premier League big boys. Part of the problem is that Moussa Sissoko earns 50% more than Kane despite, well, you know, Sissoko being pony and all.
He won’t be off to Liverpool – Jürgen Klopp does not do centre-forwards – but things continue to look up for the Reds, who are looking to add Arda Turan to their blossoming squad and in even better news, Philippe Coutinho is going to tell Real Madrid where they can stick their interest and sign a bumper new deal at Anfield.
Southampton, meanwhile, are chasing Miguel Veloso. The Portuguese midfielder is out of contract at Genoa in the summer so will arrive on the cheap at St Mary’s before a big money move to Liverpool in a year or two. In more midfielder news, Jack Wilshere is leaving Arsenal for good but not for Bournemouth – no, far too sensible – so it’ll be Milan for good ol’ Jack.
And finally, a non-transfer news for you but one so ludicrous it must be shared. Phil Babb has revealed how he once “knocked out” Cristiano Ronaldo during their Sporting Lisbon days together after one too many step-overs and some ribbing from team-mates. “Babbsy, he’s had you off,” they said, presumably in fluent Portuguese. You sure showed him, Babbsy.
