The secret barber’s been a busy man.
We’re not just talking step and comb overs – footballers are sporting a range of scissor tricks.
Mohawk, pompadour, quiff, shaved sides, short back and sides.
There’s even a rise in, yes, French plaits.
There is growing anger within society that some players are better groomed than the rest of us and are clearly being crimped illegally.
It may not be the crime of the century, but when watching the English Premier League or European football our TV screens don’t lie.
To suggest anything else would be to try to pull the overgrown hair over our eyes.
There’s now a black market of sorts in the barbering business, an illicit world of trying to stay trim during this prohibition of visiting professional salons.
It’s either underground cuts or remarkable luck that they all share a bubble with hairdressers and that’s why they’re emerging from dressing rooms looking like they’ve walked straight out of a salon. Judging by the standard of games we’ve all had to sit through this season, it’s certainly not because they’re worth it.
Former East Stirling boss Dennis Newall was on the phone demanding answers. His wife Frances is a hairdresser and hasn’t been able to work for months. Frustrated at seeing all of these fresh barnets on the go, his rant brought back memories of the tirades at Firs Park.
Pay for view now has a whole new intrigue as he’s taken up a new hobby of trying to spot which players are sporting illicit cuts and which are of the home-made DIY variety.
My mate Michael owns his own salon, which is named after Pele. It’s an upmarket place, which is a regular of the sporting and celebrity sect, and he’s also been shut for months. Another business that is suffering but sticking to the lockdown rules.
There appear to be hairdressers flaunting rules to do homers.
Rumour has it there’s even a place called the barber shed somewhere in an unknown location if you need a trim on the fly.
This barnet is testament to the fact I haven’t been there.
Clearly a blind eye is being turned but not so in Germany where some are hitting back at the Bundesliga stars who think they’re a cut above.
Something called the ZVF, Germany’s hairdressing union, has written an open letter to the German FA claiming certain haircuts sported by footballers can only have been done by pros.
“We’ve been in lockdown for four weeks,” says Harald Esser, president of the ZVF, which represents around 80,000 German hairdressers. “I cannot believe that 50 per cent of footballers have partners or family who are pro hairstylists.”
Gaun yersel Harald.
The SFA compliance officer would be handing out retrospective bans by the dozen if it came to trial by hairdo.
As for Newcastle’s Jonjo Shelvey having a work-shy attitude, not a bad word can be said about him sticking to the guidelines. He’s still the baldest man on Earth.
