Football's pre-season tours

'Dimitar Berbatov clearly didn't think Napoleon Dynamite was the answer to Manchester United cracking America,' chortles Koichiro Yamamura
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Portsmouth's most famous export receives a traditional US welcome, courtesy of Ben McFadden
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'I think I'm trying to say that pre-season tours are like a broken pencil - pointless,' says Nick Smith, 'or maybe I just can't be bothered to do any more profound Photoshopping'
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Portsmouth's pre-season invasion of North America was always doomed to fail, reckons Dave Hill
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If only Pompey had stayed closer to home, muses Rob Marriott
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'Puyol and co selflessly spend their pre-season in north London helping the less privileged,' parps Douglas Fenech
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And Douglas is back for seconds, to reveal a rare sighting of Malcolm Glazer at United
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Bert Ayers reckons United's marketing men will soon be flogging the DVD for £50
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'Liverpool struggled to find room for Alberto Aquilani's suitcase on the plane,' booms Al Balmer
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Doesn't Mancini's magical bus look fun? This courtesy of Megan Ansell
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Certainly more fun than Jack McGinity's Wenger bus. No, we're not sure why they're in the desert either ...
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'United's tour wasn't bringing in as much money as expected, so Sir Alex was as quick as ever to change his strategy,' roars Rob Marriott
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Here's Tom Nycz-Losi: 'Portsmouth embark on a fishing trip in a desperate attempt to find some players. I was going to do a net but then thought they probably couldn't afford one. That or I didn't have the time ...'
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'Sir Alex clicks his ruby red heels together and shouts "I want to go home" after United's defeat to the Kansas City Wizards,' titters Hazel Mason
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'Mindful of the need to cut costs, David Nugent and John Utaka hoped the donkey would get them all the way back to Portsmouth,' sniggers Harvey Kelly, as he rounds things off
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