WITH APOLOGIES TO BILLY JOEL
Maradona, Ormondroyd, Ferenc Puskas, Tommy Boyd
East Fife four Forfar five, Maracanazo
Oleg Blokhin, vidiprinter, buffet battle, Lineker’s sphincter
North Korea, South Korea, Menotti, Bilardo
Hit too well, score draw, golazo, offside law
Breitner, Gazza cries, Busby Babes will never die
Valderrama, Hanlan, that coat’s from Matalan
Schiaffino, Francescoli, Josep Blatter goodbye
We didn’t start the fire
Football’s always burning since our world’s been turning
We didn’t start the fire
No we didn’t light it, but we cannot fight it
Zamorano, Yip Jaap Stam, Cruyff and Ajax Amsterdam
Goikoetxea, Jefe Varela, communist Bloc
Juan Verón, Juan Verón, both Maldinis, Valerón
Angel Rangel, Kevin Mouse, Pelé’s garden goals
Bar scarf, cheeky half, ref falls over, let’s all laugh
Roger Milla, bursting balls, Herbert Chapman, marble halls
Piqué, Stanley Park, Di Stéfano, Jon Stark
Tickertape, change of shape, Michael Laudrup’s Denmark
We didn’t start the fire
Football’s always burning since our world’s been turning
We didn’t start the fire
No we didn’t light it, but we cannot fight it
Super Bock, Supermac, Hanot, Aranycsapat
Doo-ik, Diamond Lights, relegation dogfights
Fatty Foulkes, Howard Kendall, squeaky voiced Alan Ball
Wor Jackie No9, Mourinho down the touchline
Gualtieri, Dia, Crudelli, Prunier
Ernie Hunt, Pancho, MK Dons a no-go
8-2, Tardelli, Chile fighting Italy
Black Death Vodka, Iveco, Crown Paints, Skol and Avco
We didn’t start the fire
Football’s always burning since our world’s been turning
We didn’t start the fire
No we didn’t light it, but we cannot fight it
Broadhall Way, Boss Rahn, one-nil David Coleman
Koeman, Yashin, Carl Cort, Bobby Robson
Hagi of Romania, Hoddle’s egomania
Ross miss, John Helm, York City beat the Arse
Hip flask, Posh and Becks, lots of out of wedlock $ex
Every home, schlep away, what else do we have to say?
We didn’t start the fire
Football’s always burning since our world’s been turning
We didn’t start the fire
No we didn’t light it, but we cannot fight it
Jesus saves, Son Heung-min, Sunderland alive again
Santos, N’Dong, Liverpool vexed Klopp
Vardy, Barkley and Niang, Big Sam going down
Berahino’s short drug ban, Henrikh Mkhitaryan,
Oumar Niasse, N’Diaye, Peaky Blinder Januzaj
Forearm smash, vulgar cash, hair, tatts, Palace thrashed
Hughes sweats rage from every pore, with Pulis there is rancour, folklore and bitter war, we can’t ask for any more
Or, alternatively, we could just spend our time arguing about ArsenalFanTV instead.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I have loved being a footballer. Up until now, the ball was my whole life. I would have liked to have continued my career, which was interrupted in spite of me, but I have to admit today that football is finished. I’m going to give my body and soul to my career as a DJ, a producer, and as a pundit, as well as develop my line of clothing” – Djinkin’ Djibril Cissé, former Lord of the Manor of Frodsham, going out of the game as you’d expect him to.
FIVER LETTERS
“Many moons ago, while playing early incarnations of Championship Manager, myself and my pals used to be terrified of ‘the Curse of Ingles’. It seemed if we ever came into (virtual) contact with Alex Inglethorpe we would invariably lose the following fixture. With Liverpool’s recent struggles, particularly since $tevie Mbe’s return to the club, is it a case of the Curse of Ingles appearing in real life? Particularly when you consider $tevie’s boss at the Anfield academy is none other than … Alex Inglethorpe” – Fergus Buckley.
“I’ve just read in today’s Rumour Mill that Yakubu might move to Coventry. I’m amazed. Not only that he’s still playing, but that he clearly turned David Moyes down at some point in January” – Andrew Tate.
“I share Gavin O’Sullivan’s pain at not having letters printed (yesterday’s Fiver letters). He added: ‘It turns out that I am not as funny as I thought I was.’ The Fiver should sign him up quickly. He would fit right in” – Robert Darby.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Fergus Buckley.
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BITS AND BOBS
We’re at the vote of confidence stage in Claudio Ranieri’s Leicester struggles. “[The club] would like to make absolutely clear its unwavering support,” cheered a statement that will in no way resurface down the line. “While there is a collective appreciation from everyone at the club that recent form needs to improve, the unprecedented success achieved in recent seasons has been based firmly on stability, togetherness and determination to overcome even the greatest of challenges.”
Southampton are sniffing around former Barcelona and Juve defender Martín Cáceres, who’s available as a free agent.
Bayer Leverkusen’s Hakan Calhanoglu will give up his salary and any bonuses during his four-month Fifa ban over a contract dispute with Trabzonspor. “Leverkusen have absolutely no involvement in this but the club was hit hard on both a sporting and financial level by this sanction,” he tooted. “That is why it is clear to me that I cannot further damage the club and I will waive my salary for the duration of my ban.”
Pescara president Daniele Sebastiani is doing one from the Serie A basement club after two cars were set alight outside his home. “I’m outraged. I’ll be leaving the club at the end of the year,” he sniffed.
And Huddersfield have given a 59-year-old man an indefinite stadium ban, after he unfurled a Turkey flag at Sunday’s game against Leeds to mock the the deaths of Christopher Loftus and Kevin Speight before a match at Galatasaray in 2000. “Huddersfield Town takes incidents of this nature very seriously and will not tolerate this shameful behaviour under any circumstances,” read a club statement. “This individual is not representative of the club or its supporters.”
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
AC Jimbo and co are back with the latest Football Weekly podcast.
STILL WANT MORE?
David Squires has weighed in with his two pennies’ worth on ... none other than Frank Lampard.
Welcome to Nieciecza, where Polish minnows are mixing it with the big boys, writes Gregg Bakowski.
Kevin Sampson kindly lends us a chunk of his new book, Hillsborough Voices, to recall a day that began with hope and ended in tragedy.
Pep Guardiola’s ruthless inner core makes Sergio Agüero’s exit all the more likely, reckons Daniel Taylor.
Juan Cuadrado is feeling pretty dandy and back grooving at Juve, so says Paolo Bandini.
Forget the hoo-ha around Matty Taylor’s move across Bristol, my old man supported both Bristol clubs for 60 years, writes Matt Nation.
Crystal Palace’s new recruits must make a swift impact at Selhurst Park, warns Dominic Fifield.
Here are five questions for USA! USA! USA!!! coach Bruce Arena to get his teeth into before World Cup qualifying.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
