Be prepared. At the beginning of each football season, most members of the press pack begin a diary, diligently recording noteworthy happenings in the world of football in preparation for that inevitable day around mid-May when sports editors dispatch the annual demand for contributions to the end-of-season reviews.
Best match, worst match, goal of the season, player of the season, flop of the season, silliest haircut, best commentary, gripe of the year, best fans, worst fans, most high-profile arrest, most corrupt administrator, least paranoid manager ... you know the sort of thing. I say most members of the press pack, but it’s possibly just me. If, like me, you’re cursed with the memory span of a sweating tabloid editor in the dock at the Old Bailey, having a handy self-penned sports almanac crammed full of pertinent information helps save an awful lot of time that would otherwise be spent sucking absentmindedly on a biro while staring forlornly into space and trying to remember which Premier League manager got sacked first: Dick Advocaat or … actually, bad example: it’ll be Dick Advocaat, won’t it?
This season’s diary is a slim tome, one of those complimentary, Bournville chocolate bar-sized journals given away by bookies at Christmas as a token of their appreciation for all the millions of pounds they’ve taken from customers in the previous 12 months. Some even come with a free pen. As betting industry gifts go, they could scarcely be more self-serving: a notebook in which major future sporting events (known to bookmakers as “betting opportunities”) are indelibly pre-entered with enough room left for masochistic punters to scribble the outcomes of same in order to remind themselves just how wrong they invariably are about everything.
Of course, as documents that might be of historical interest to future generations go, a tatty SkyBet diary with “David Moyes sacked by Man Utd” scrawled in the small section allocated to 22 April 2015 is unlikely to end up as a major museum attraction. Not that this column ever makes it as far as April, considering the whole well-intentioned exercise of judiciously keeping daily records usually comes to an abrupt halt in mid-August.
While it is laziness that tends to put a stop to this reporter’s daily scribblings after a week or two, such has been the frenzy of notable on and off the field activity in the embryonic stages of this season that a perusal of the major events of the past week alone already makes for fascinating reading. Few campaigns in living memory got off to a more blistering or controversial start.
Saturday 8 August: “Chelsea draw with Swansea, Thibaut Courtois sent off and José Mourinho loses plot with his medical staff for doing their job. Cameron Jerome has his annual wonder-goal disallowed by over-zealous referee. Bournemouth lose first Premier League game. No news on John Stones to Chelsea or David de Gea to Real Madrid.”
Sunday 9 August: “Poor race relations between Leicester City players and Asian community once again highlighted on front page of tabloids. Champions-elect Arsenal lose to West Ham and are booed off at full-time: an improvement on last season’s Emirates Cup. Petr Cech has a shocker. No news on John Stones to Chelsea or David de Gea to Real Madrid.”
Monday 10 August: “Joey Barton to West Ham? Man City hammer West Brom. Scottish football fans have hump over John Collins comments about standard of SPL. No news on John Stones to Chelsea or David de Gea to Real Madrid.”
Tuesday 11 August: “Barton to West Ham off due in part to fan opposition. Chelsea medical staff demoted, public uproar ensues. Capital One Cup begins. John Stones to Chelsea? David de Gea to Real Madrid?
Wednesday 12 August: “Barton releases the world’s most beige and unnecessary hostage video explaining all to West Ham fans and wishing them luck for the season. News breaks of West Ham striker Diafra Sakho’s arrest. Stoke sign Xherdan Shaqiri. Mourinho/medic story rumbles on. Barça win European Super Cup in nine-goal thriller. Mario Balotelli’s birthday. No really, Stoke sign Xherdan Shaqiri. No news on John Stones to Chelsea or David de Gea to Real Madrid.”
Thursday 13 August: “Mourinho/medic story still news. Chris Wood takes world’s worst penalty as Leeds beaten by Doncaster in Capital One Cup. No news on John Stones to Chelsea or David de Gea to Real Madrid.”
Friday 14 August: “Eagerly awaited Mourinho press conference: medics still demoted, José still great, Oscar a doubt for Manchester City game. Premier League makes way for English Defence League to make Villa v Manchester United a rare Friday night fixture. Still no news on John Stones to Chelsea or David de Gea to Real Madrid.”
So there you have it, seven days into a season that does not end for the thick end of nine months and we’ve already been treated to enough high drama, duplicity, chicanery, paranoia, skulduggery, medical complications and moments of light comic relief to fill any number of end-of-season reviews, if not an entire episode of Casualty.
With the inevitable sackings, refereeing controversies, managerial spats, fan protests, lurid kiss-and-tells, surreptitiously taken shisha pipe shots, political calumny, betting scandals, that Fifa election, poppy-driven social media storms, tedious debate regarding the lack of a Christmas break and the handwringing that greets England’s inevitable Euro 2016 elimination among the many delights yet to come, there is so much to which we can look forward that for all its excitement, the actual football can occasionally seem something of a distraction. But without it we would have nothing, least of all the entertaining and amusing sideshows it helps to punctuate. If you haven’t got involved, do so. The rest of the season starts now, so mark it in your diary.
