In conclusion
A good day for... Robin van Persie, Brendan Rodgers, Brentford, MK Dons (who beat Colchester 6-0) and Sven Goran-Eriksson, whose 2006 World Cup preparations were given a boost as Glen Johnson, Joe Cole and Wayne Rooney all found the net.
A bad day for... Goalkeepers, Steve Bruce, Stoke’s forwards and the East Midlands.
Don’t forget to join Nick Miller for Sunderland 1-0 Chelsea, right now.
Thanks for joining me. Bye!
Updated
Chris answers Liverpool’s question:
That, erm, interesting claim seems to count left backs as well. Chelsea have a better right back at right back and a better right back at left back. Everton have two better fullbacks. As do Man City.
There certainly isn’t a better fullback called Glen Johnson, that’s indisputable.
Possibly. I’ve not checked every player in every squad. If there is another Glen Johnson knocking about in someone’s reserves, that could be awkward.
Championship full-time scores
Birmingham 2-1 Nottingham Forest
Bolton 1-0 Huddersfield
Bournemouth 2-2 Millwall
Brentford 4-0 Wolves
Brighton 1-2 Fulham
Leeds 2-0 Derby
Middlesbrough 1-1 Blackburn
Norwich 1-2 Reading
Rotherham 1-1 Blackpool
Sheffield Weds 2-1 Wigan
Watford 0-1 Cardiff
Who wants to win the Championship? In injury time, third-placed Middlesbrough concede, Rudy Gestede bundling the ball in. It’s Middlesbrough 1-1 Blackburn. All the full-times coming up.
Those Premier League full-time results:
Burnley 1-1 Aston Villa
Liverpool 1-0 Stoke
Manchester United 3-0 Hull
QPR 3-2 Leicester
Swansea 1-1 Crystal Palace
West Ham 1-0 Newcastle
Here’s the table as it stands. Not you, Leicester fans.
FT: Liverpool 1-0 Stoke City
A win is a win is a win.
FT: Burnley 1-1 Aston Villa
Joe Cole scores, Danny Ings equalises from the spot. Both teams are happy not to have lost.
FT: QPR 3-2 Leicester
Game of the day at Loftus Road, Charlie Austin’s header earning Rangers the win.
FT: Swansea 1-1 Crystal Palace
Another goal for Bony cancelled out by Jedinak’s penalty, before both teams downed tools entirely.
FT: Man Utd 3-0 Hull City
Goals for Rooney, van Persie and (sort of) Smalling; an easy afternoon for United.
FT: West Ham 1-0 Newcastle
Aaron Cresswell’s goal is enough for West Ham to win a largely uninspiring game.
Into injury time at Anfield, where Shawcross misses by a yard with Mignolet flapping all over the place. In the Scottish Cup, it’s Spartans 2-1 Morton.
Scenes at St. Andrew’s, where Britt Assombalonga, just moments after scoring, handles the ball on the line! Paul Caddis scores the penalty, and it’s Birmingham 2-1 Nottingham Forest. And who wants to win the Championship? Bournemouth have lost their two-goal lead at home to Millwall. It’s 2-2.
Can I get back to you on that?
Equalisers galore in the Championship – it’s Birmingham 1-1 Forest, and Rotherham 1-1 Blackpool. Elsewhere, Brentford lead Wolves 3-0, and a Patrick Bamford goal makes it Boro 1-0 Blackburn. A goal in every game in the top two divisions. That’s value.
GOAL! Burnley 1-1 Aston Villa (Ings penalty)
Burnley are on level terms, after Okore bundles Jutkiewicz over. Danny Ings tucks away the penalty, and Villa’s long wait for a win looks like continuing. Take off Joe Cole at your peril.
Updated
GOAL! Liverpool 1-0 Stoke (Johnson)
There we go, all better. Rickie Lambert hits the bar with a looping header, and there’s Glen Johnson following up to nod the ball in!
Updated
Here’s Theo Park, asking some good questions that I can’t answer:
Jamie Jackson claims that Angel di Maria is ‘the 41st Manchester United player to suffer injury this season’. Could Van Gaal possibly be doing something unorthodox to them in training? How has Arsenal’s new doctor helped their fitness? Or Liverpool’s psychologist helped them recover any sort of self-confidence? it seems like witchcraft would produce the same results.
All I’ll say is, if Liverpool score, then all three teams will win today, and everyone can just forget all about these deep-seated, destructive problems.
A veritable deluge in the Championship; it’s Brighton 1-2 Fulham, Bournemouth 2-1 Millwall, Brentford 2-0 Wolves, Sheffield Weds 2-1 Wigan and Rotherham 1-0 Blackpool.
No upset in League Two – it’s Hartlepool 0-2 Wycombe. In the Scottish Cup, non-league Spartans have equalised against Morton. At Anfield, Stevie is on.
RED CARD! Sissoko sent off for Newcastle...
From bad to worse at Upton Park for Newcastle, as Moussa Sissoko walks for two avoidable yellow cards in quick succession.
GOAL! QPR 3-2 Leicester (Austin)
There have been 41 attempts on goal in this, and now five goals. Charlie Austin gets his seventh of the season with a simple header. Your move, Roy. Your move.
Updated
Joe Cole pulls a Costanza and quits while he’s ahead; he’s replaced by Jack Grealish. RVP is also off, replaced by Falcao. Steve Bruce would probably take the final whistle about now.
At Anfield, Lucas and Joe Allen have missed sitters. Steven Gerrard is warming up. Last minute winner and ostentatious celebration, anyone?
GOAL! QPR 2-2 Leicester (Schlupp)
Leicester back level against QPR thanks to Jeffrey Schlupp, who drills the ball home from outside the area. Excellent goal, excellent game.
Updated
Manchester United 3-0 Hull (van Persie)
An assist, and now a goal for Robin van Persie. The Dutchman collects the ball on the edge of the area, and simply smacks it beyond McGregor and into the top corner. Game over, and it’s been very easy for United.
Updated
Here’s a fair point, from Jake Lynch:
Why oh why did Liverpool not buy Bony last Summer? The man has just the cool expert touch we need - nothing seems to faze him, he just keeps on doing the right things, then he scores (or assists). Would he really have cost that much more than Balotelli, in fee or wages?
You also have to wonder, although he’s rather slipped into the background at Chelsea, just how bad Loic Rémy’s medical could have been.
Updated
Raheem Sterling is a whisker away from finding the far corner, after a textbook slalom through the Stoke defence. In the second tier, a shock’s on the cards – it’s Leeds 2-0 Derby. In the match between my two pre-season tips for automatic promotion, Brighton lead Fulham 1-0. Ahem.
Alan McGregor atones for his rick in the first half with a quite brilliant one-handed save from RVP – but the flag’s up! Doesn’t count, Alan. Sorry.
At Anfield, Simon Mignolet does his best wheelie bin impression, standing tall to deny Diouf. Moments later, Bojan races clear and hits the near post! Stoke have won at Man City and Spurs this season, and they should be ahead here.
GOAL! West Ham 1-0 Newcastle (Cresswell)
Action at Upton Park, as Aaron Cresswell is on hand to race on to a shot from Kouyate that was so awful, it became an expert through ball. The former Ipswich man slots it away nicely.
Updated
Shot at Anfield! A decent one too, with Jordan Henderson almost finding the inside of the near post with a dipper from twenty yards. Here’s a mail from someone I can only identify as mgarba88:
I suppose the usual suspects in the mail in game are on the injury list, giving us youth teamers the chance to step up and fill in. Unfortunately there’s a reason I’m not a first team mailer yet; no puntastic observations to dish out.
Keep putting in the hours and you’ll come good, whatever your name is.
Jamie Vardy hits the bar for Leicester! Decent game at Loftus Road. Not so good at Anfield; still waiting for a shot on target from anyone.
In other news, all your lovely e-mails have just arrived, in one go.
Updated
Marouane Fellaini gets a booking for a predictably oafish foul on Robbie Brady, but Hull can’t do anything with the free kick. Incidentally, Hull are in black and amber, with United in red. How has this been allowed to happen?
Here we go again
Back underway at Anfield, Old Trafford and Turf Moor, where Alan Hutton blocks a George Boyd strike with his derriere. Graham Scott is making his Premier League bow as a referee today; so far, he’s been the dictionary definition of ‘out of his depth’.
In summary
A good half for... Wayne Rooney, Joe Cole, Harry Redknapp, Jake Cooper and Eddie Howe.
A bad half for... Angel di Maria, Hatem Ben Arfa, Nigel Pearson and the 80,538 paying customers at Anfield and Upton Park.
Championship half-time scores
A potentially big goal at Elland Road on the stroke of half-time, as Antonucci gives Leeds the lead over... leaders Derby. Meanwhile, it’s a second for centre-back Jake Cooper at Carrow Road. Reading lead at half-time.
Birmingham 1-0 Nottingham Forest
Bolton 0-0 Huddersfield
Bournemouth 2-0 Millwall
Brentford 1-0 Wolves
Brighton 0-0 Fulham
Leeds 1-0 Derby
Middlesbrough 0-0 Blackburn
Norwich 1-2 Reading
Rotherham 0-0 Blackpool
Sheffield Weds 1-1 Wigan
Watford 0-1 Cardiff
Premier League half-time scores
Burnley 0-1 Aston Villa
Liverpool 0-0 Stoke
Manchester United 2-0 Hull
QPR 2-1 Leicester
Swansea 1-1 Crystal Palace
West Ham 0-0 Newcastle
GOAL! QPR 2-1 Leicester (Fer)
Turnaround complete at Loftus Road, as Charlie Austin forces Kasper Schmeichel to parry a bullet header. Leroy Fer is on hand to slap in the rebound.
Updated
Here’s our own Jamie Jackson with an update on that Angel di Maria injury.
Anyone out there? I’m missing the world’s finest chestnut stuffing for this. The least you could do is write...
GOAL! Man United 2-0 Hull (Rooney)
This is vintage Wayne Rooney. From Herrera’s knockdown, van Persie tucks the ball back to the England striker, who places the ball plum in the corner. No shame for McGregor this time, and United are coasting.
Updated
GOAL! Burnley 0-1 Aston Villa (Cole)
Aston Villa haven’t been themselves today, instead working the ball well and peppering Tom Heaton with shots in double figures. They get their reward as Joe Cole beats the offside trap and sweeps the ball in.
Updated
GOAL! QPR 1-1 Leicester (Morgan OG)
Leicester can’t stop scoring. It’s Captain Wes Morgan putting through his own net with his trailing leg as he tries to clear a cross. Shame.
Updated
An update from Upton Park
It’s a similar story at Anfield, where Stoke fans are mocking Liverpool’s lack of dynamism. That’s rich.
If you like quickfire doubles, today’s for you. At Oakwell, it’s Barnsely 1-1 Scunthorpe after two goals so close together they were practically simultaneous. At Swansea, Dwight Gayle has been replaced by James McArthur, and in Manchester, Hatem Ben Arfa is replaced by Sone Aluko. Wayne Rooney was able to continue, you’ll be pleased to hear.
Fine save at the Liberty Stadium from Lukasz Fabianski, who looks one of the season’s smarter signings, to deny Marouane Chamakh. Goals at a premium in the top flight, but you can always rely on the Championship: it’s Bournemouth 2-0 Millwall, Sheffield Weds 1-1 Nasty Wigan and Brentford 1-0 Wolves.
Back at Old Trafford, Rooney is hobbling to the touchline after taking a hefty kick to some part of his lower anatomy. Van Gaal will hope he can get back on, otherwise he’ll have to turn to untested youth prospect Radamel Falcao.
GOAL! Swansea 1-1 Crystal Palace (Jedinak penalty)
Well well. Palace have by all accounts been overrun in this first half, but after Chamakh is brought down by Shelvey, Mile Jedinak converts the spot kick.
A rare break forward for Hull ends when Michael Dawson tries a volley from 20 yards, and does well to at least find David de Gea’s gloves. At Anfield, an early substitution for Stoke, with Glenn Whelan on for Steve Sidwell. That’s about all right now.
Sounds like a ripping game at Turf Moor, with Michael Kightly and Agbonlahor (again) carving out presentable chances. At Carrow Road, it’s Norwich 1-1 Reading, Gary Hooper opening the scoring, before Jake Cooper equalised pretty much immediately.
GOAL! Man Utd 1-0 Hull (Smalling)
A less classy finish at Old Trafford, where after a melee from a corner, Chris Smalling shoots, and McGregor clumsily attempts to grab the greasy ball. At the second attempt, it squirms over the line. Anthony Taylor’s big goal watch lights up, and it’s 1-0. You have to wonder how many of those haven’t counted down the years.
Updated
GOAL! Swansea 1-0 Crystal Palace (Bony)
Sigurdsson and Bony have been taking names in the first fifteen minutes, and they link up again, Sigurdsson finding his team-mate who converts with a terrific low finish. Six in seven for Bony.
Updated
Trouble brewing for Man Utd, as di Maria pulls up with a hamstring problem after just ten minutes. Ander Herrera is coming on. Louis van Gaal needs that like a hole in the head.
Two goals in the Championship: It’s Birmingham 1-0 Nottingham Forest and Watford 0-1 Cardiff.
More on an issue that isn’t going away - there are more banners protesting ticket prices on the Kop today...
Updated
Gylfi Sigurdsson tries another up-and-down free kick, but only finds the top of the net. Ben Davies looks a fine full-back, but you can’t help but feel Swansea got the better end of that particular deal with Spurs.
That’s Leicester’s first goal since 4th October, around the date I touted them as likely top-half finishers. There’s a fair few early goals in Leagues One & Two: Preston lead at Yeovil, Tranmere have a vital lead at home to Portsmouth, and it’s Plymouth 1-0 York.
GOAL! QPR 0-1 Leicester (Cambiasso)
Here is your quarterly reminder that Esteban Cambiasso plays for Leicester. Ulloa goes down in the penalty area and appeals. While he’s doing that, Cambiasso stalks forward and drills the rebound past Rob Green!
Updated
Here’s a stat: Burnley haven’t won three games in a row in the top flight since 1975. Gabby Agbonlahor almost made their job much harder, but couldn’t finish after beating Michael Keane.
We're off...
...at Old Trafford anyway. Angel di Maria forces a very early corner, but Hull clear the ball away. There are faint claims for handball, but Anthony Taylor ain’t interested.
Updated
Word from Old Trafford is that United are playing, well, a 3-2-1-3-1, with Young and Valencia at wing-back, Fellaini protecting a three-man defence and di Maria, Rooney and Mata supporting front man Van Persie. This will either go very well or very badly.
Full-time at the Hawthorns too, where it’s finished West Brom 0-1 Arsenal. Your very own Nick Miller watched it, so you don’t have to.
It’s barely time to get out of bed, and there’s already been more drama than your average episode of Real Housewives of New York. Dundee have beaten Aberdeen 2-1, care of a last-minute winner, while Noel Hunt’s equally last-gasp effort for Ipswich saw them win at Charlton. Ipswich are second in the Championship.
Let’s hope so
No mo’ team news
Here are the final two team sheets for today’s 3pm top-flighters. The big news from Anfield is that Steven Gerrard is on the bench. Poor Brendan has just been interrogated about this on the telly, despite the fact Gerrard played on Wednesday, and clearly can’t play every game - or even every other game.
Brendan also sticks with Simon Mignolet in goal, with Jose Enrique getting just his third league start of the season. Up front, Rickie Lambert starts again, with Mario Balotelli nowhere to be seen. For Stoke, Mark Hughes brings in Marko Arnautovic, Erik Pieters and Marc Wilson.
At Turf Moor, Michael Keane gets the nod at the heart of Burnley’s defence, where he’ll look to repel the artistry of one Joe Cole, who starts for the Villa today.
Liverpool v Stoke
Liverpool: Mignolet, Johnson, Skrtel, Toure, Jose Enrique, Lucas, Allen, Henderson, Sterling, Coutinho, Lambert.
Subs: Brad Jones, Lovren, Gerrard, Moreno, Lallana, Can, Markovic.
Stoke: Begovic, Cameron, Shawcross, Wilson, Pieters, Sidwell, Nzonzi, Walters, Bojan, Arnautovic, Diouf.
Subs: Muniesa, Whelan, Ireland, Adam, Butland, Crouch, Shenton.
Referee: Craig Pawson (South Yorkshire)
Burnley v Aston Villa
Burnley: Heaton, Trippier, Keane, Shackell, Ward, Boyd, Marney, Jones, Kightly, Barnes, Ings.
Subs: Mee, Wallace, Sordell, Jutkiewicz, Gilks, Long, Arfield.
Aston Villa: Guzan, Hutton, Okore, Clark, Cissokho, Cleverley, Sanchez, Westwood, Cole, Agbonlahor, Weimann.
Subs: Bacuna, Richardson, N’Zogbia, Given, Lowton, Grealish, Robinson.
Referee: Graham Scott (Oxfordshire)
QPR, it should be noted, have only named six substitutes and no reserve goalkeeper. Don’t do anything silly, Robert. Leicester are unchanged, which seems a little uninspired. Only minor changes for Swansea and Crystal Palace; Shelvey and Routledge come in for the hosts, with Martin Kelly replacing Damien Delaney.
At Old Trafford, Marcos Rojo is back from injury and Juan Mata is in the side. He’s joined by RVP despite the Dutchman’s anaemic efforts against Arsenal, with Falcao on the bench. That back four: Smalling, Carrick, Rojo, Valencia. Steve Bruce will hope Nikica Jelavic and Hatem Ben Arfa can take advantage; the Hull boss is without Ramirez, who’s suspended, and Abel Hernandez, who is in Uruguay as his wife’s about to give birth.
Mo’ team news
QPR v Leicester
QPR: Green, Isla, Onuoha, Caulker, Yun, Vargas, Henry, Barton,
Kranjcar, Fer, Austin.
Subs: Traore, Phillips, Wright-Phillips, Mutch, Ferdinand, Hoilett.
Leicester: Schmeichel, De Laet, Morgan, Wasilewski, Konchesky,
Mahrez, James, Cambiasso, Schlupp, Vardy, Ulloa.
Subs: Drinkwater, King, Albrighton, Hamer, Moore, Knockaert, Nugent.
Referee: Roger East (Wiltshire)
Swansea v Crystal Palace
Swansea: Fabianski, Rangel, Bartley, Williams, Taylor, Ki,
Shelvey, Routledge, Sigurdsson, Montero, Bony.
Subs: Amat, Britton, Carroll, Gomis, Tremmel, Richards, Barrow.
Crystal Palace: Speroni, Kelly, Dann, Hangeland, Ward, Jedinak,
Ledley, Puncheon, Chamakh, Bolasie, Gayle.
Subs: Campbell, Zaha, Hennessey, Thomas, McArthur, Fryers, Bannan.
Referee: Martin Atkinson (W Yorkshire)
And for the picture-averse, here’s the teams from Old Trafford:
Man Utd v Hull
Man Utd: De Gea, Smalling, Carrick, Rojo, Valencia, Mata,Fellaini, Di Maria, Young, van Persie, Rooney.
Subs: Falcao, Januzaj, Lindegaard, Ander Herrera, Fletcher, Blackett, McNair.
Hull: McGregor, Davies, Dawson, Chester, Elmohamady, Diame,
Livermore, Brady, Robertson, Ben Arfa, Jelavic.
Subs: Rosenior, Bruce, Meyler, Jakupovic, Aluko, Quinn, Huddlestone.
Referee: Anthony Taylor (Cheshire)
West Ham v Newcastle
The first team news is in from Upton Park. West Ham make three changes, with Kouyate, Downing and Jarvis coming in for Reid, Nolan and Cole. For the visitors, Rob Elliot starts in goal ahead of Tim Krul who was injured in training, with Yoan Gouffran replacing Moussa Sissoko and Cheick Tioté in for Ryan Taylor, whose injury woes continue.
West Ham: Adrian; Jenkinson, Tomkins, Collins, Cresswell;
Noble, Kouyate, Amalfitano, Downing, Jarvis; Carroll.
Subs: Nolan, Zarate, Vaz Te, O’Brien, Demel, Jaaskelainen, Cole.
Newcastle: Elliot; Janmaat, Williamson, Dummett, Haidara;
Tiote, Colback, Sissoko; Pérez, Gouffran, Ameobi.
Subs: Anita, Cisse, Cabella, Steven Taylor, Riviere, Alnwick, Armstrong.
Referee: Mike Dean (Wirral)
While we wait for team news and the like, do you fancy seeing David James concede a soft goal, attempt to kick the post in anger and get caught in the net? Of course you do.
Why stop at the top two divisions, I hear you cry. Why indeed? In League One, Swindon, Preston and MK Dons are clinging to Bristol City’s coattails. They play Fleetwood (H), Yeovil (A) and Colchester (H) respectively. In League Two, rock-bottom Hartlepool host leaders Wycombe, while Jimmy Floyd hits Shropshire as Burton go to Shrewsbury.
It’s also Scottish Cup fourth round day, and possibly your last chance until 2015 to enjoy evocative, lesser spotted clubs like Bo’ness United, Brora Rangers and Hibernian. You can keep up with all today’s scores here.
There’s also eleven games in the Championship – the faithful local shop abandoned by today’s top-flight windowlickers. It’s not Harrods, but it’s certainly competitive.
Birmingham v Nottingham Forest
Bolton v Huddersfield
Bournemouth v Millwall
Brentford v Wolves
Brighton v Fulham
Leeds v Derby
Middlesbrough v Blackburn
Norwich v Reading
Rotherham v Blackpool
Sheffield Weds v Wigan
Watford v Cardiff
Preamble
Good afternoon. With the fresh hell of Black Friday behind us, where else can you turn for your fix of excess, desperation and minor scuffles? Why, where else but the Premier League, where the shop floor is always open and panic is never far away.
Look, there’s Brendan Rodgers, screeching at a confused assistant that the assorted damaged goods in his basket are worth exactly one Luis Suárez. Over in homeware, Louis van Gaal and Steve Bruce have found a clean sheet among the carnage, and are grappling furiously, both red in the face. It’s not pretty.
Paul Lambert is putting off the inevitable by waiting outside for his mate Roy. Roy said he would be here. Poor Harry Redknapp blew his wad on an out-of-date Rio Ferdinand and now shiftlessly wanders the aisles. Meanwhile, up at the mezzanine café, there’s Alan Pardew and Sam Allardyce, surrounded by boutique shopping bags, laughing maniacally.
Here are today’s Premier League fixtures:
Burnley v Aston Villa
Liverpool v Stoke
Manchester United v Hull
QPR v Leicester
Swansea v Crystal Palace
West Ham v Newcastle
Doors open at 3pm, and everything’s for sale.
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