RHEAD ON
Who doesn’t like Lincoln City? OK, Boston United, Gainsborough Trinity, Grimsby Town and Firewall FC don’t like Lincoln City but let’s not dwell on facts, they’re so 2016. Even Granny Fiver likes Lincoln City and she hates everything – even babies and kittens. For one, The Imps haven’t sold out to a well-known rag’s betting arm for a bit of extra coin before their FA Cup quarter-final with Arsenal and, as far as The Fiver can tell, Vanarama have no plans to make reserve keeper Richard Walton honk the horn of a hired Ford Transit on the side of the Emirates pitch every time Matt Rhead decks Shkodran Mustafi with the power of the draft created by his vast turning circle.
In fact, The Fiver warmed to Rhead – who we shall call Big Man from here on in – even more this week. He too tends to lean towards tragicomedy, revealing that he switched off Barcelona v PSG in the 87th minute to look in on the red-hot action at Manchester City, where his hometown club Stoke where busy applying another fresh coat of paint at the Etihad Stadium so that 52,625 people could watch it dry. “I had a text off a mate saying ‘Barcelona – wow’ but I didn’t know what he was talking about until later,” sighed Big Man, who says he is going to use the Camp Nou madness to help him get his battle fever on. “Barcelona tells you the unthinkable can happen.” So look out Arsène Wenger, who may end up bemoaning a last-minute penalty when Big Man trips over an invisible foot in the Luis Suárez style.
As for Wenger, he can take comfort from the knowledge that the 9,000 raucous Lincoln fans who will be in attendance will help drown out any sound of A4 protest sheets wafting across seats at the Emirates. And at least Wenger will have a manager in the opposing dugout who will have his back if the home fans continue to angrily spew their hefty sense of entitlement in his general direction. “I wouldn’t dream of going to the dentist and telling him what to do or shouting abuse at my plumber,” said Danny Cowley, who clearly hasn’t got an uncle like The Fiver’s. “But people come into your profession and tell you what to do. I know the Arsenal fans are passionate but I don’t like the way some of them treat Arsène Wenger.”
But anyway, enough about Wenger. The Fiver has some insight for you. Wait, come back. Lincoln boss Cowley and his assistant manager and brother Nicky used to be PE teachers a year ago. You heard it here 15th. Not only that, but their burgeoning football careers have also been given a helping hand from Messrs Collis and Orosco. “Mum would always moan at Nicky for not doing his homework [and playing Championship Manager],” said Danny. “Nicky told her: ‘If you’d let me play on that game longer I’d be at the top of professional football now.’” So there you have it reader. Being cooped up inside a darkened bedroom staring at a computer screen can get you places. Like we said, there’s a lot to like about Lincoln City.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I had no desire to play in the lower reaches of the Premier League. The defensive system that we put in place did not give me any pleasure. You could say that I was pi$$ed off, yes. I worked hard in every game without taking any pleasure” – Dimitri Payet explains why he did one from West Ham.
FIVER LETTERS
“Another correct score prediction (yesterday’s Fiver). I fear the shapeless blob that produces The Fiver is becoming sentient. None are safe” – Fraser MacFarlane.
“As a committed pedant I have to take issue with Jason Steger’s claim (yesterday’s Fiver letters), in which he attempts to correct Luis Enrique’s assertion that an infinite amount of things can happen within a specific amount of time (in this instance, 95 minutes). Mr Enrique is clearly a follower of the Greek philosopher Zeno, whose paradoxes demonstrated the folly of viewing time as being made up of a discrete number of ‘moments’. Instead, there are an infinite number of moments between any two moments, which is why Achilles can never catch the tortoise, I can never finish my banana, and Barça managed to stick six past PSG. Continuing the paradoxical theme, you should really strip Jason of his prizeless prize” – Sholem Lenkiewicz (and 1,056 others).
“I have to take task with a missive from yesterday’s letters. A reader pointed out that any prediction overrides a previous one; which means anyone can insert a clause that their prediction will be wrong and still be guaranteed to be right. Either their prediction is right or the clause that they’d be wrong is correct. Since it’s not really a prediction to assume you’d be wrong, rather a natural reaction to oppression by The Man, one could still claim the original prediction takes precedent. I’ve obviously got too much time on my hands, on reflection. Keep up the (moderately) good work” – Aaron Jones.
“In case anyone is remotely interested, football resumed yesterday in Argentina after 80 days. STOP FOOTBALL campaigners, we failed. But don’t panic, there’s a lot more to come” – Pablo Kaufman.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Fraser MacFarlane.
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RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Fire up Football Weekly Extra as AC Jimbo and co look back at a wild set of games and look ahead to the weekend. And Paul MacInnes talks to novelist Ross Raisin in a bonus Football Weekly Meets …
BITS AND BOBS
Joe Hart is readying himself for a permanent upping of sticks from Manchester City. “I’d say I’m pretty much surplus to requirements at my parent club at the moment,” he sighed, as Claudio Bravo slipped over in the background. “I love the Premier League but I wouldn’t say it’s top of my wishlist.”
Vitaly Mutko, Russian deputy PM and 2018 World Cup head, has been barred from standing for re-election on the Fifa council. “This is their right,” he sniffed. “Everything is normal.”
Manchester United’s trip to Rostov proved somewhat of a non-event [save for three out of three, baby! – Fiver Ed], ending 1-1. “We are one step from being in the quarter-final,” zinged José Mourinho, just about summing up the state of it.
Pope’s Newc O’Rangers caretaker boss Graeme Murty wants his players to focus on Sunday’s Old Firm shellacking, rather than incoming manager Pedro Caixinha. “I think everyone in Glasgow has Googled it,” he parped. “We’ve had a look, I’ve had a look at numerous different people, but you can’t actually control anything about it. It would be a massive waste of energy to be looking at that.”
And Spurs striker Harry Kane thinks his run of scoring form is all down to a new diet. It must be eating all those Premier League defenders for breakfast, eh? Eh? EH? Oh. “I’ve got a new chef who I’ve been working with to help with my nutrition, to get me a bit leaner and quicker and that seems to be working,” he humblebragged.
STILL WANT MORE?
Barney Ronay wonders how Brazilian keeper Bruno, still guilty of murder but released after seven years, could possibly be welcomed back into football.
Lincoln can’t stop pinching themselves at the season they’re having. Nick Ames takes the temperature as the club prepare for their ‘Imp-vasion’ of the Emirates.
Things to look out for this weekend include Lincoln being bang up for an upset, José Mourinho’s tactical dilemma at Chelsea and the Pope’s Newc O’Rangers being at risk of a mighty Old Firm humiliation. Tuck right in.
Louise Taylor on the tensions at Middlesbrough and Aitor Karanka attempting to clear the air.
Ewan Murray gently prods Barcelona’s self-image to see if it tumbles to the deck in a heap.
The Dude abroad – how an English Sunday league player, with the help of a Big Website feature, landed himself a deal with Italian club CS Lebowski. Chloe Beresford explains.
In our Football Weekly Meets … podcast, Paul MacInnes speaks to award-winning author Ross Raisin, whose new novel depicts the struggles of a young gay footballer.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
