HOLD YOUR STOMACH AND GROAN
The Fiver doesn’t really have a lot in common with Ferris Bueller. The Fiver has never driven around in a soft-top. The Fiver has never conducted a 200-strong parade of people through the streets of downtown Chicago to the sound of Twist and Shout. The Fiver has never had a friend destroy a Ferrari – indeed The Fiver has never had a friend. One thing that we do share is the penchant for taking the day off – and both Ferris and The Fiver are mightily good at that. But fooling The Man ain’t easy, as Raheem Sterling is quickly finding out.
Everyone should know that the groundwork for calling in sick starts the day before. While The Fiver often throws in a tea-timely cough towards the end of its working day to plant the seed of doubt in the minds of the Big Paper suits, Sterling dropped the ball/bombshell that he wouldn’t be joining Liverpool on their pre-season tour to Asia and Australia. And so when he missed training at Melwood on Wednesday, citing ‘illness’ – an excuse that appears more transparent than a jellyfish wearing contact lenses – eyebrows were raised.
The Fiver expected better from Sterling. Blame it on your kid Raheem, that’s always an easy way out. Or follow these simple rules and never be suspected of trying to force through a move to Manchester City again.
- LAY THE TRAP: As mentioned, you must start your work the day before. Fail to prepare, prepare to fail. The previous day, on the way back from your mid-afternoon comfort break, hold your stomach and groan, preferably within earshot of your line manager. Refrain from keeling over, subtlety is the name of the game here. Drink a fruit tea, preferably citrus-based. Maybe throw in that you recently visited somebody in hospital. Do not – repeat DO NOT – tell any of your colleagues you are going out that evening to drink yourself into a stupor.
- THE PROLOGUE: Set your alarm for 4am, awaken and send an email to your boss, explaining that you are struggs. Getting up at this ungodly hour might be tough but will pay dividends later on. It stinks of authenticity, plus in the summer months you should be able to catch a sweet sunrise out of the window, which is never a chore. No need to be too specific here but allude to the fact that you have not been able to leave the bathroom for more than a couple of minutes at a time. Maybe make a spelling mistake or two because you are deliriously ill.
- THE CALL: This is never an actual phone call. Are you mad?! Send another email around about the time you would normally set off for work. Sincerely apologise and give your boss a number to call if they need anything. They never call. Set your out-of-office. Annnnnd breathe.
- RELAX: Pull your feet up, champ! Do whatever you want. Suggested activities: eat hummus with your hands, wear a fez, flirt with Manchester City’s Txiki Begiristain.
- REPEAT: Repeat stages 2-4. Any skiver worth their salt will know that you can’t just take the single day off. It will arouse suspicion. Take two and then your boss will know you are really ill, for realz.
It must be nearly home-time – anyone for a fruit tea? Enjoy tomorrow all.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“In the last few years I was very emotionally tied to HSV. I will continue to live in Hamburg and will always love this club. Gladbach, of course, as well. But now some new club? No, I don’t want to lie or deceive some other club or fans when I am no longer fully behind it. I can’t just suddenly kiss another badge now” – Marcell Jansen explains his reason for retiring after being let go by Hamburg at the ripe old age of 29.
FIVER LETTERS
“ It’s probably a truism to say that the Fiver isn’t the full shilling - but you’re really asking for a baying crowd of pedants to chorus repetitively and loudly “YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE DOING!” when you run a picture with the caption “there was a touch of offside about that 27th goal,” when there is a defender in blue in front of the goalkeeper playing the attacker in yellow onside by approximately the distance equivalent to the length of the archipelago nation in question. I would like to say I expect better of the Fiver, but honesty forbids me” – Ben Carlish.
“Never mind the age of Kanji, I was stunned that no linguistic pedants raised the fact that Monday’s Quote of the Day also contained Hiragana and Katakana characters. Both syllabic scripts, Hiragana can reference native Japanese written words for which there exists no equivalent Kanji while Katakana is used to express foreign language words eg. Hotel (Ho-Te-Ru = ミルク), whiskey (ui-su-ki = ウイスキー). Having belatedly pointed this out Fa-i-va (ファイヷ)-San, I can only hope that it starts a thread of soccer-related, Kana-based anecdotes that will keep the letters section filled until next month’s Charity Shield ” – Steve Gaw.
“May I be the first of 1,057 Japanese pedants to suggest that the obvious way to say “schoolboy defending” would have been a simple 男生徒的な死守. Alternatively, if you wanted to go all phonetic to make it absolutely clear what you were getting at, 男性徒的なディフェンディング was just sitting there begging ” – Dan McSweeney and no one else.
“I am at a loss as to how 11-a-side game can result in defeats by 38 and 46 goals. I say this from a position of knowledge, having once been on a side beaten 27-0. In that game we had only seven players against the opposition’s’ full strength team; which results in, as near as damn it, two on one everywhere in the outfield and a goal every 3 1/2 minutes. How you can do worse than that with 11 players is beyond my (expert) comprehension. As an aside, the match was to be forfeited as we had only six players at game time. The referee waited until 15 minutes after kick off by which time a seventh player - later to be beaten with soap-filled socks - showed up. A forfeit would have gone down in the books as a 3-0 loss” – Ray Ward.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Ben Carlish.
JOIN GUARDIAN SOULMATES
Chances are that if you’re reading this tea-timely football email, you’re almost certainly single. But fear not – if you’d like to find companionship or love, sign up here to view profiles of the kind of erudite, sociable and friendly folk who would never normally dream of going out with you. And don’t forget, it’s not the rejection that kills you, it’s the hope.
BITS AND BOBS
Tottenham have ridden roughshod over Southampton’s threat of legal action and unveiled Toby Alderweireld as their new £11.4m signing. “It’s a big club and it’s always been a dream to play at a club like Spurs,” he parped, in a statement that should endear him to the Southampton fans.
Clearly fed up with the lack of joga bonita in the modern Brazilian game, Rivaldo has decided to take matters into his own hands and start playing again at the age of 43. “After one year and three months, I started training back again and went out to play at a match after just 20 days and that inspires any younger player,” humble-bragged Rivaldo. “I helped the team get out of this predicament.”
Hard-nose negotiator extraordinaire Daniel Levy has found an ingenious way to bring in some extra moolah for both his club and the people of Tottenham by hosting NFL matches at their new stadium. “The socio-economic benefits this will bring to the area will be immense and demonstrates our commitment to the regeneration of this priority borough in London,” preached Levy.
Swansea City have taken their love for supporters to even greater heights by announcing they will subsidise the price of every ticket for all away fixtures in the Premier League this season. “We felt it would be more beneficial to our supporters if we took the step of guaranteeing them cheaper tickets for all our away games, whether there was a reciprocal deal in place or not,” sniped Swans vice-suit Leigh Dineen.
Matteo Darmian will be tapping up Mario Balotelli’s knowledge of the finest Italian restaurants in the north west after Manchester United agreed a £12.9m deal for the Torino right-back but Mats Hummels is proving a far more difficult catch. “Of course when the big clubs are interested, and Manchester United is one of the biggest clubs in the world, it’s an honour. But I decided I wanted to stay here [for another year],” fluttered the Borussia Dortmund centre-back.
Steve N’Zonzi is dancing through the streets of Stoke pulling Peter Crouch-style shapes after his club accepted a £7m offer from Sevilla for his services. “N’Zonzi is an interesting player,” cheered Sevilla suit José Castro after checking out the 6ft 4in midfielder’s moves. “We consider him very favourably and we’re working on it.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Memphis Depay’s father walked out on him and his mother when he was four but having dealt with a difficult upbringing he is now poised to bring his talents – and those tattoos – to a wider stage, reckons Priya Ramesh.
Is Isco on his way to Chelsea? Is Fabian Delph on his way to Aston Villa? The Rumour Mill, like a popular brand of chocolate, has the answers.
“Who says ‘the Three Lions’ when they’re talking about England?” Marina Hyde says it’s time to drop England Women’s Lionesses nickname.
From triumph to the depths of despair, Aanu Adeoye tells the story of how Nigeria have unravelled.
Why is there a Chilean club called Colo-Colo? Is a 360-degree turn the Zidane or the Maradona? How many ships are named after football teams? All is revealed in the latest instalment of The Knowledge.
Bananarama reckoned it was going to be a cruel summer but Martin Laurence reckons it is a strange summer (transfer-wise).
John Duerden reports back on the challenges of life as a manager in Thailand, where former Tottenham and England full-back Gary Stevens is now carving his career.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
SIGN UP TO THE FIVER
Want your very own copy of our free tea-timely(ish) email sent direct to your inbox? Has your regular copy stopped arriving? Click here to sign up.
“E-I-H-T, NOW SHOULD I CONTINUE? YEAH YOU LEFT OUT THE G ‘CAUSE THE G AIN’T IN YOU!”
