I love food but don’t like marzipan. I’m not allergic to it, though. I’m not that keen on kale but I don’t react as if it’s radioactive if I find it on my plate. The amount of warnings about nut allergies and wheat intolerances (and vegan requests) I get makes me believe that we are soon to be sinking into a bottomless pit of tofu. Now, I know that a genuine case of coeliac disease is one thing, but not everyone has it, surely? Some of my guests have requests that make me squirm.
The most recent was an email from a woman who demanded to know if I had a separate compartment in my fridge purely for her vegan requirements? Um, no. She was disappointed enough to bring a vast Tupperware box for her precious food that I’m sure she would have padlocked if she could have. I made space in the fridge for it, having removed (well, scoffed, if I’m honest) half a leftover moussaka and the pickings from a roast chicken. But that wasn’t enough, it seemed. The cheese (cheddar, unwrapped) elicited a squeal of distaste, and the semi-skimmed milk was given such a look I’m surprised it didn’t curdle. Her almond milk and cashew butter bristled with worthiness.
She spent a long time in the kitchen every evening and used every saucepan to create her dinner, which was eaten with a reverence usually reserved for a single malt. She invited me to join her, which, after the third excuse not to, I did. Good God is all I can say. And before you think I’m a meat-eating, banner-waving butcher, I can assure you I’m not. I eat little and good quality, and have a box of organic veg delivered every week. But her dinner was something so awful that I truly struggled. I had to hear of the health benefit of every mouthful. As soon as she departed, I ran round the corner to get a bacon sandwich.
Then there was Josh, bless him. He seemingly only ate fish fingers or eggs. And they had to be fried, with “nothing runny”. He said he was allergic to tomatoes. He stared at my avocado-topped salad one evening and I dared him to try some. He was in his 30s and scared of food. It created huge problems for him everywhere he went. He screwed his face up and accepted the challenge. He considered for a while: “I knew I wouldn’t like it. I can tell. Probably better with ketchup. You should try it.” I reminded him that ketchup was made from tomatoes, and he was allergic, wasn’t he?
I give up. Eat what you like, but maybe keep it at home?
This article was amended on 1 December 2015 to remove a reference to Quorn, which is not a vegan food.
