It is impossible to feel sorry for Formula One champion Lewis Hamilton, who was barred from watching the Wimbledon men’s final because he was not wearing a tie or jacket. The self-importance of refusing either item from a steward merits nothing but disdain at the amateurishness of Hamilton’s attempt to get into the royal box. No man who thinks his outfit is more important than the chance to watch the Wimbledon men’s final deserves such access. When the fastest driver on the circuit cannot get up to speed with the dress code, what hope do us mere mortals have of finding ourselves in pole position at a party? Here are five essential tips to avoid embarrassing errors when trying to get into an event:
Look the part
The gatecrasher is a person of guile, whose project is not the vulgar pursuit of free canapés and drink or the chance to mingle. The crasher knows the true thrill is in evading the procedures designed to thwart entry. It is a celebration of ingenuity and originality over something so banal as paying for a ticket or knowing the host. An immediate red flag for entry will be looking out of place – for instance, wearing a floral shirt and a little hat to the royal box at Wimbledon. The error of the beginner is not to dress smartly enough. The error of the intermediate is to dress too smartly, to wear clothing that marks them out as entirely unused to the milieu. A tie can be removed, but it cannot be summoned into existence. Dress up, but be ready to abandon pocket handerchiefs, fascinators, monocles or military medals as required.
Smoke
Smokers are treated by most event venues like social pariahs, which is great news for the would-be crasher. There is no more useful hobby to take up than smoking, but it is vital to adopt the correct smoking implements. Do not saunter around outside Mayfair’s Athenaeum club with a bong. You will receive suspicious looks at a media launch party if you start brandishing a pipe, and do not start rolling a fag while loitering by the Institute of Directors on Pall Mall. Cigarettes are still the easiest accessory to use as a crasher, and you’ll win extra points for having both spares and a lighter. Wander up to a group of smokers, join the crowd, and then stroll back in with them past the doorman. Every crasher knows that smoking is, for these purposes, cool.
Have an excuse
If you already have an open tab, or are just returning to collect your aunt’s umbrella, you are halfway in. Your friend is inside and has a ticket for you. You bought your ticket off a friend who said she had left it for collection. Always have a name ready, preferably something unmemorable, but with a fair few syllables. My friend Benedict Cumberbatch has brought my tie if you’ll just let me in to collect it from him. This section could just as easily be called “lie” and there’s no avoiding the duplicity required. But there is an honour code. You are permitted to crash the party if you improve the party. Lie your way in only to start a fight, steal some things and throw up over a genuine guest and you are dead to the world of the amateur crasher. Entertain, illuminate and prove your worth as an unwarranted guest and the crash is worthy of respect.
Be organised: call ahead
A few years ago a friend rang to ask if I was interested in attending the launch of Damian Barr’s memoir Maggie and Me at Shoreditch House When I asked him why, he said he had called up the publicist and managed to blag an invitation in my name. I had to ring the same publicist to ask if I might be invited in my friend’s name, and we effectively went as each other. Book launches need people to attend: like many promotional events they are aimed at creating a buzz and excitement for the thing being launched. If you are intent on learning how to crash, they are probably the easiest sort of event to try your hand at. The details are often readily available and you may even be able to just ask if you can come. Being organised pays dividends, as does research. Be warned, promotional events are generally boring, although the aforementioned book launch was surprisingly excellent.
Expect to fail
Sometimes you will fall short. Have a plan B and remember that few of these events are anywhere near as interesting as you imagine them to be. Often the most exciting thing will be the buzz of knowing that at any moment you could be caught. The most thrilling thing about getting into a summer event at King’s College Cambridge was crawling through the rubbish chute to gain entry. Once inside it was tedious and drab, made entertaining only by the need to avoid being spotted without a wristband. Failure is what makes gatecrashing interesting, and when you do fail, do so gracefully. You took your best shot. There will always be other occasions and it has only cost you the price of a pack of smokes and a monocle. Next time, remember to read the dress code.
