Men traumatised by the sexual abuse they experienced as boys are coming together to support each other following the launch of a new group – the first of its kind in Lanarkshire.
Charity Talk Now has recruited a new, highly experienced counsellor to facilitate the male-only service following a spike in demand for support from survivors of childhood sexual abuse.
Founder Pat Mair, who established the charity in 2012 following her own experience of childhood trauma, has hired Graeme Lynch, who has extensive experience of delivering trauma services.
Up to 10 men are meeting virtually on a fortnightly basis in a therapeutic, peer-driven session that allows them to share their past experiences and how they impact them in the present.
One of the aims of the group is to break the sense of isolation men feel when carrying with them the burden of childhood sexual abuse.
“Particularly for men, it can be a really challenging thing to talk about,” Graeme told Lanarkshire Live.
An integrative counsellor who takes a humanistic approach, added: “It’s about giving them that shared space where everyone knows they have experienced the same kind of thing and they don’t have to be ashamed about it.
“It allows them to explore and discuss what they have gone through.”
With attendees ranging in ages from 18 to 50s, Graeme says age is not a defining feature of the group, which gives men the scope to share what he describes as “a universal experience.”
“It is good to hear younger people sharing their experience and seeing older people take something from that,” he explained.
“Also, with age comes wisdom. They are all getting support, no matter what age group members are in.”
Unlike other psycho-educational services, the pioneering Talk Now group approach allows for greater interaction, during which men can open up about their experiences and the emotional scars inflicted on their lives.
“Because of the very nature of childhood sexual abuse, there is still a lot of stigma surrounding it,” continued Graeme, who – as well as specialising in sexual trauma – supports people through bereavement and loss.
“This is mostly happening within people’s homes, within families. In the West of Scotland, and Scotland as a whole, there has been a tendency to sweep things under the rug and not talk about it.
“Over time that perception and mindset is gradually breaking up. But because it occurs so close to home, there is often still a silence.”
The associated stigma, says Graeme, extends beyond the individual who experiences the abuse, impacting family members and the wider community.
A common theme among male survivors of childhood sexual abuse, he says, is difficulty in forming and maintaining meaningful relationships, and a need to learn
how to have healthy attachments to others.
“There are some people who are having difficulties relating to men in particular,” explained Graeme.
“Here, they get space to unlearn some of the things they have picked up along the way in their lives and learn that not all men are awful and terrible.
“It gives them space to recognise that.
“It’s about letting go of the blame or the guilt that might be around for them – not holding on to that shame anymore. Being able to share that in a group meeting is really beneficial.
“It’s not just about me listening. It’s about other people listening, too, and appreciating what that is like.”
With the group still in its infancy, it’s the hope of Graeme and Talk Now founder Pat to further break down barriers, while increasing the knowledge and understanding of male student counsellors and male volunteers by involving them in future sessions.
The pair also want to reach out to other male survivors of childhood sexual abuse who have, until now, lacked a forum that allows them to open up.
“The group is very much open and welcoming to anyone who feels like they would benefit from joining,” stressed Graeme.
“This is a space that welcomes them, that understands and appreciates the difficulties they are going through. It is a safe space for them to come and participate if they want to, or just listen, as we do talk about ways of coping, as well.”
And he added: “I do think that the service Talk Now is providing is really necessary because primary mental health services are not taking on these types of cases and are leaving it to voluntary or private organisations to pick up this work.”
The formation of the male-only group comes as East Kilbride-based Talk Now experiences greater demand for its services than ever before.
Pat, who experienced trauma from the age of 11, began exploring ways of addressing the lack of support for people like her in 2010.
Following two years of research and meetings with social work, mental health teams and other agencies that come into contact with survivors of childhood sexual abuse, including Rape Crisis, Pat opened the doors of Talk Now.
That was in 2012 – just as, almost a year after his death, reports were surfacing that broadcaster Jimmy Savile had sexually abused hundreds of male and female victims throughout his life, ranging from prepubescent to adult, having come into contact with them through his creative projects for the BBC and his charitable work for the NHS.
As more about the scandal emerged, the need for a support service for abuse survivors couldn’t have been more stark.
Cognitive behavioural therapist Pat ran the organisation single-handedly for six months before approaching the voluntary sector for help with admin, answering calls and greeting clients.
Trainees from the Centre of Therapy in Glasgow also joined the Talk Now team to gain experience and hone their skills.
“When I first opened, I had worked as a therapist for seven years,” explained Pat, who is now a grandmother of two.
“I thought I was well equipped. I thought I had all the knowledge and all the skills, coupled with my own experience of trauma. But it did not seem to be gelling the way I would have liked.”
Keen to understand why some clients were not turning up to appointments and others were inconsistent in their attendance, Pat made a point of meeting some of them for a chat over coffee. They told her that in order for them to feel safe and comfortable enough to seek help, they wanted a service that felt less clinical and more relaxed – so Pat set about achieving that.
Funding from the government and Big Lottery gave the organisation new impetus in 2015, allowing her to recruit six counsellors.
Realising that working with the cognitive behavioural model alone was not enough, Pat and her team began taking on more trauma cases and delivering person-centred help.
“That helped tremendously,” she said. “I saw people beginning to change and get their lives back.” Shortly before the pandemic, Talk Now was becoming increasingly busy, and Pat took cognisance of the views of GPs, hospital consultants, Dr Lisa Cameron MP, Police Scotland and other partner agencies about how best to support and manage the organisation’s growth.
With referrals flooding in, she recruited more counsellors and now has a complement of 15, all of whom are qualified in complex trauma.
Finding that people were presenting with complex issues which meant they were not ready for counselling, she created the post of life-link worker – someone who provides support when a person has to attend social work meetings or appointments with addiction or mental health services in order to prepare them for counselling sessions.
With lockdown came emergency funding that enabled Talk Now to provide support for people experiencing domestic abuse trauma.
Having previously conducted five assessments a week, since the outbreak of COVID the team are undertaking 10 assessments daily, and there’s now a three-month waiting list for counselling.
In response to the strains the pandemic has placed on people’s mental health, Talk Now also introduced outdoor counselling in the fresh air, and workshops teaching mindfulness and meditation, yoga, how to overcome low self-esteem, anger management and helpful thinking.
“I could never have dreamed that Talk Now would have grown to such an extent and be as successful as it is today,” said Pat.
“Our strategy is to maintain that pattern of growth and to continue providing a safe and confidential service to those who have suffered trauma in childhood.”
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