A funny thing happens at the beginning of December. Suddenly, as the year comes to a close, you find yourself unable to say no to mulled wine, even if a hot, sickly-sweet punch is antithetical to your idea of good drinking; colleagues regarded as the most dogged homebodies now seem to be joining you at the pub; then the whole thing is brought to a close by spending the day with a group of people, most often related to you, many of whom you haven’t seen for a year, and will most likely not see again for another year.
What all of this means is that if there’s one thing you’d better be ready for come Christmastime, it’s to socialise – to chat your way through dinner parties, drinks receptions, office get-togethers and pubs. Which is why we’ve solicited the advice of relationship columnist Justin Myers, AKA the Guyliner, linguist and communication expert Malgorzata Chalupnik, and drinks writer Nina Caplan to cover a few of the conundrums you’re likely to come up against this silly season, starting with …
How to make a good first impression
“One of the biggest letdowns when meeting someone for the first time is their evident lack of interest,” says Myers. “When someone asks you something, what they really want to do is tell you what they think. All it takes is ‘and you?’ once you’ve given your answer, and you’re already way ahead of most people,” he says.
Chalupnik adds the key isn’t just paying attention, but outwardly conveying the fact that you are paying attention – what she describes as “active listenership”.
“We constantly reveal more about ourselves to others through how we say things, our body language, our facial expressions and gestures. Making a good impression is not just about what we say, it can also revolve around the idea of how we show that we pay attention to other people,” she says.
“Active listenership itself is all about showing that we listen to other people. The way to best signal it is through eye contact, orientating our body towards the speaker and nodding to show that we’re engaged.”
And how do we know if it’s worked?
“The theory of communication accommodation argues that if we like someone, we’re more likely to speak or act like them,” Chalupnik says. “If you notice that the person you are talking to starts sounding a bit more like you, for example, you are on the right track.”
How to make small talk
You may not like it, but the need to make small talk is one of life’s unavoidable realities – and for good reason, according to Chalupnik. “Small talk establishes and maintains harmonious social relations,” she says.
But this fact doesn’t make it any less challenging. “Small talk is terrifying only because we’re scared of boring each other to death,” says Myers. “How small should the talk stay? Weather? No, please, no. Vague humble bragging about your job or loft conversion? It’s a tough one.” His advice is that winning at the small talk game is all about keeping things “light, topical and totally devoid of political posturing – it can never end well”.
“Box sets, fitness regimes, favourite restaurants and books are a popular way of revealing aspects of your personality without outing yourself as too much of a nightmare,” he says. “Sport, too, if you can bear the armchair punditry.”
If you still find the idea of small talk stomach-churning, it’s worth remembering that you don’t have to do all the work – listening and accommodating others is just as important, says Chalupnik. “As with making a good first impression, the key is to provide all speakers the chance to engage,” she says.
How to tell an anecdote or joke
We’ve all been there: that moment when your great punchline is met with stony silence. It’s not a pleasant feeling, and it’s something that, once burned, we wouldn’t look to repeat. The good news is that there are strategies to avoid this, says Myers.
“Read the room first. There’s nothing worse than launching into your best gag only to see horror creep across the faces of your audience,” he says. “It’s best to wait for a gap in conversation, too. Nobody likes being yanked out of a deep conversation only to be told a joke of Christmas cracker calibre.”
Chalupnik concurs: “Know your audience. Know your context,” she says. “Humour, despite being a very useful and multi-faceted device, can also backfire.” She advises sticking to self-denigrating, anecdotal humour and avoiding sarcasm, which can be easily misread.
“Sarcasm can carry a potentially aggressive meaning, so its interpretation can vary depending on the person we speak to,” she says. “Before using sarcasm, make sure that you are certain that they don’t mind it.”
In much the same way, Myers believes that telling an anecdote well requires a good dose of self-awareness and respect for the time of the person to whom you are talking. “Have faith in the anecdote,” he says. “Tell it confidently and as quickly as possible without losing your listeners or missing parts out. And never, ever preface an anecdote or joke with: ‘Listen to this, it’s brilliant’ – the only way from there is down.”
How to talk about alcohol like a pro
From knowing how to comment on a wine you’ve been sharing, to knowing when to avoid telling a debauched drinking tale, there is absolutely a right and a wrong way to talk about alcohol, according to food journalist Caplan.
“Gauge your audience,” she says. “There’s no point telling stories about drunkenness to a clutch of wine professionals, and there’s equally little to gain in wittering on about grape varieties and soil types to twentysomethings in the pub.”
Myers offers a similar view on those stories detailing some prodigious feat of alcoholic intake, which is that they are to be avoided entirely. “Never, ever mention how many drinks it takes to make you fall over,” he says. “Drunk stories are not badges of honour any more.”
But it is possible to talk about alcohol with both dignity and tact, says Caplan, particularly when it comes to wine and grape-distilled spirits. “There are a few basic flavour profiles you can learn,” she says. “So, new world rieslings are quite often tropical in flavour, syrahs are spicy and peppery. Cognacs tend to have nutty and/or fruity notes.”
If you’re after a quick way to sound like you know what you’re talking about, Caplan suggests you start by dropping these keywords: bouquet (“this basically translates to: ‘what the wine smells like’ – but a much prettier word”), blend (“if there is more than one kind of grape in the wine, it’s a blend”) and tannin (“if the wine has a chewy, slightly drying sensation in the mouth, tannins – compounds found in the grape – are responsible”).
“Just remember that they are your tastebuds,” says Caplan. “So, even if what you smell or taste is entirely different from what the books or your companions tell you, nobody can tell you that you’re wrong.”
Alternatively, stay away from precise descriptions altogether, and wow ‘em with some fun boozy titbits instead: “For instance,” Caplan says, “the oldest and finest cognacs are aged in a special cellar, accessible only to the cellar master. This cellar within a cellar is so-named because the portion of the liquid in the barrel that evaporates as it ages is known as the angels’ share.” Baptiste Loiseau, the cellar master for Rémy Martin, says that their angels’ share equates to as much as 8,000 bottles a day (he also says you should serve their Rémy Martin 1738 with frozen grapes instead of ice cubes, so it doesn’t get diluted – serve that as you drop the angels’ share bomb for serious pro points).
Pick up a bottle here
How to speak to someone you kissed under the mistletoe last Christmas
In a month defined by a) large gatherings and b) large measures, its not unthinkable that you might bump into a ghost of Christmas’ past – whether a one-time, under the mistletoe thing or a full-on ex – so you need to learn how to handle it like an adult.
“‘I didn’t recognise you with your clothes on’ is an opener best avoided,” says Myers. “Chatting to people we’ve kissed is only awkward because we insist on acting like teenagers around one another,” says Myers.
“If you haven’t been in touch since,” he says, “you may have to wheel out an apology. ‘I’ve been so busy, I’m rubbish at keeping in touch’, is the excuse they expect, so don’t let them down.”
Otherwise, he advises “not to mention the kiss”, but do your best to “be charming and, most of all to not expect a repeat performance”.
And when it comes to an unexpected encounter with an ex? “As is the case with any conversation, being civil is a good idea,” says Chalupnik. “If there is any conflict there, your aim should be to gradually moderate your position and de-escalate the verbal conflict.” In other words, play nice.
And finally, how to make a polite exit
Whether you’re just pulling out of a conversation, or leaving a party outright, knowing how to make a polite exit is an underrated and poorly understood social skill, says Myers.
“Once a conversation has run its course, it can still be tricky to bring it to an official end,” he says. “Even awkward silences and the dreaded ‘well …’ leave some undaunted. The best way to get out of a conversation is to start another one.”
“It’s like a relay,” he says. “Either offer to go get them a drink and then bring someone else back with you to freshen things up, or say you’d like to introduce them to someone, and take them to join this new group. Then, once they’re chatting, make your departure. And if they do come to find you, have a spare drink at hand just in case, give it to them, exclaim ‘There you are!’ and await your Oscar nomination for best reaction.”
Of course, making an exit – especially at this time of year – can be as much about knowing your limits as anything else. “Learning when to say ‘stop’ is part of becoming an adult,” says Caplan. “You have to ask yourself: ‘is this actually fun?’ And if the answer is ‘no’, you’ve probably surpassed your limits.”
For more smart conversation starters, La Maison Rémy Martin members’ club offers cultural events, masterclasses and experiences from the leading names in food and drink, art and design, fashion, film and more from their residency at London’s Bibendum. Find out more here
