MATCHDAY SIX, DIGNITY NIL
Nothing much happens on Big Cup matchday six. That’s hardly a surprise, given you could have guessed the identity of at least 15 of the 16 teams to qualify for the knockout stage before the draw for the groups was even made. And that last guess was only held back because, since they managed to get themselves relegated to the Second Division from a position of mid-table safety with five games to go back in 1909, nobody has ever made any assumption about Manchester City. It’s just not done.
That said, even City are utterly predictable these days, so Tuesday night’s viewing suffered from such a paucity of meaningful action that, by comparison, BBC Test Card F would look like the video to Sledgehammer. Arsenal did their best to liven things up a bit with a 4-1 stroll in Basel/Basle/Baaarl/Barzuhl, thus ensuring they made it to the round that bears their name as top dogs from Group A. Congratulations to them for once again achieving whatever it is they’re trying to achieve! The first leg of their Round of Arsenal tie against Bayern Munich, or maybe Real Madrid, will be played on 14 February. The return is on 22 February, recriminations start the 23rd, and big depressing double-page post-mortems will be published in all the broadsheets on the Sunday.
The match between Manchester City and the Queen’s Celtic was even more of a non-event, a draw so dull that an ersatz tribute to the Olympic Stadium broke out in the stands. Outside the ground, a Queen’s Celtic fan was fined for throwing a hamburger at a horse. That poor, proud creature will have grown up dreaming of emulating Billy at the 1923 Cup final, or at the very least harboured ambitions to stand outside a tube station on matchday while quietly defecating. (Just to be clear, we’re talking about the horse, not the fan.) But instead he’s been reduced to the role of slapstick fall guy as one of his friends, now in half-cooked patty form, slathered in red sauce and encased in a soggy bun, whistles with extreme prejudice towards his startled face. Where’s the dignity?
There’ll be none on display at Wembley on Wednesday, that’s for sure, as Spurs decide whether qualifying for the knockout stage of Big Vase is less palatable than suffering three Big Cup defeats out of three at a venue they’ll be forced to call home again next season, and in the Premier League to boot. CSKA Moscow stand in the way of whatever it is they’re trying to achieve. Leicester meanwhile travel to Porto, having already qualified as Group G winners, and so leave star men Jamie Vardy and Riyad Mahrez at home to rest for their upcoming relegation battle. Another less than fascinating evening stretches out ahead of us, then. If The Fiver rounds it all up on Thursday, you know we’re in trouble.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Formed in 1879, Fulham FC is London’s oldest professional football club and the first to open a bespoke gin bar … The Clubhouse provides a hub for gin fans to gather at London’s original football club, enjoy each other’s company – and to celebrate gin!” – Fulham there, lifting The Fiver’s bespoke Tin bar concept – a place to celebrate Tin.
FIVER LETTERS
“Regarding ECT therapy for referees (yesterday’s Fiver letters), Dan Makeham makes a good point for the application of said therapy as a means of making Premier League refs unsee what they have seen. I see a small practical generator conveniently located in the referee’s room, for the ref and his assistants to avail themselves of just before kick-off. I’m sure there’ll be many volunteers to help overcome the logistics of application. The only concern I have about ECT is the post-therapy effects it can induce, usually lasting between 90-120 minutes. This can include some confusion, decreased visual acuity, impaired decision-making and such-like odd behaviour. If we could find a way to overcome these side-effects, ECT may pose the answer to decisive and accurate match refereeing” – Hanif Khan.
“Dan forgets that we already have a mechanism in place for electro-shocking refs, in their new-fangled goal-decision arm buzzer things. I’d suggest whacking the voltage up all the way when a referee misses something as clearly illegal as David Luiz shoulder-barging a striker into last Tuesday off the ball. We could perhaps tune it just right to wipe out enough brain cells to send the offending ref back to, say, last Tuesday, where he could get a better view of the incident” – Ben Jones.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver.Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Ben Jones.
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NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Dario Gradi is to be quizzed by a team of investigators working on behalf of the FA after claims that he visited the parents of a Chelsea youth-team player to “smooth over” a complaint of sexual assault against Eddie Heath, the chief scout who has been identified as a repeat offender in the 1970s.
Former football coach and Celtic kitman Jim McCafferty has been arrested in Belfast over child sex abuse claims.
Uefa has charged the Queen’s Celtic for “crowd disturbances” in Manchester – with the aforementioned supporter fined £90 for lobbing that burger at a police horse. The local bizzies’ Twitter account @GMPCityCentre got its puns out: “Police horse Lancaster is in a stable position.”
Entities set up in the British Virgin Islands by companies representing José Mourinho and Him share the same address as two companies which are to be banned in their present form from providing loans to Premier League clubs, documents have revealed.
Former England manager Mr Roy says he’s ready for another shot at a big job. “I feel fit,” he star-jumped. “You become a bit wiser with the years and you perhaps make a few less mistakes. I just have to wait and see what comes along.”
Michael Carrick, Antonio Valencia, Matteo Darmian, Memphis Depay and Morgan Schneiderlin have all been left out of the squad for Manchester United’s 1-1 draw at Zorya Luhansk.
Decent defending? Utterly shambolic attacking? Both?
Palace chairman Steve Parish says he definitely won’t sackpardew.com, unless he changes his mind. “[His job] is totally safe, in that every manager is under pressure. It’s a binary industry and you have to win matches.”
Hull’s Abel Hernandez has added hernia-gah to his groin-twang, and faces another three weeks out.
Kelechi Iheanacho says he’s ready to cover for tackling’s Sergio Agüero: “Sergio’s out so I need to work really hard to prove myself to the team and help the team get points,” he etc and so on-d.
Gong!
Basingstoke Town have denied putting themselves up for sale on eBay. “There is no truth,” honked a suit. “This was a misguided publicity stunt by a former director who does not own the club and is not in a position to sell it. The listing has been removed.”
And National League North basement dwellers Altrincham FC have axed manager Jim Harvey. “Please note, CVs for the vacant manager role must not be based on FM or CM achievements,” tooted the club.
STILL WANT MORE?
Floating football brain in jar Jonathan Wilson on the absolute state of Premier League defending.
Who were the last players in the Premier League to be born in the 50s, 60s and 70s? It’s The Knowledge.
After winning Group A, Arsène Wenger is looking beyond the Round of Arsenal. Oof! Dominic Fifield reports.
A song written in Venezuela in the 1950s and recorded by Julio Iglesias in the 1970s is now sung in stadiums across the world – thanks to a YouTube video. Copa90 explain.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. AND INSTACHAT, TOO!
