We’ve officially reached the dead period of the offseason. The draft has come and gone, the schedule has been released and now we’re all just waiting for training camp (in between offseason workouts).
That leads us to pieces like this, where I give every team’s quarterback a non-football comparison. Enjoy.
AFC North
Joe Burrow: Ryan Gosling
Handsome. Multi-talented. Women want him. Men want to be him.
Lamar Jackson: Samuel L. Jackson
The versatile talent, the personality- heck, even the last name — Lamar is the on-field equivalent to the legendary actor.
Kenny Pickett: Morgan Wallen
Oh baby last night, we let the Yinzers talk.
Deshaun Watson: The New York Yankees
Not for the winning aspect (DEFINITELY not for the winning aspect). Rather, you are either a fan of the Browns and Watson or you absolutely despise him.
AFC East
Josh Allen: Cyborg
He can launch a ball to Jupiter and run like a freight train. A do-it-all weapon if there ever was one.
Mac Jones: Grayson Allen
Both have made a series of egregiously dirty plays, and neither are exactly what you would call “fan favorites.”
Aaron Rodgers: CM Punk
It seems like the older they get, both the New York Jets quarterback and the Second City Saint enjoy having a bit of a moan. The two even look similar at this point. Just don’t expect the straightedge Punk to go on any acid trips in the pitch darkness.
Tua Tagovailoa: Celery
Not great by itself, but throw some peanut butter on it (Tyreek Hill and Jaylen Waddle) and all of a sudden, everyone thinks celery is good.
AFC South
Trevor Lawrence: Tom Holland
Fan-favorite. Young up-and-comer who you can just tell is going to be a huge star.
Will Levis: Gaston
Sing it with me: Noooooo ooonnnnne’s strong as Levis, no one’s fast like Levis, no one slips down the draft board like Levis.
Lovely stuff. Moving on.
Anthony Richardson: Zeus
He is built like the Greek God of Thunder. If he comes close to reaching his potential, he’ll be worshipped like a God, as well.
C.J. Stroud: Timothee Chalamet
Chalamet is the prototypical young, handsome up-and-coming face of Hollywood. Stroud has been praised for his mechanics. The way he throws the ball is the way in which you would instruct a young quarterback to throw.
AFC West
Jimmy Garoppolo: Bruce Wayne with no money
He’s got billion dollar good looks, but $7 weapons. It was easy to be Batman with all the gadgets he had in San Francisco.
Justin Herbert: Black Bolt
Black Bolt is a superhero who doesn’t speak (the lure is somewhat of a long explanation — look it up). Herbert is one of the best at his position but rarely says a word.
Patrick Mahomes: Thanos
He is inevitable.
Russell Wilson: Drake
Applauded for his talent when he was young, now he’s just incredibly cringey, annoying, and you can understand why people root against him.
NFC North
Kirk Cousins (Vikings): Ned Flanders
He’s a dork, but he’s a muscular dork.
Justin Fields (Bears): Mint-Chip Ice Cream
For some odd reason, the opinions on Justin Fields seem to be one extreme or the other. You either think he’s going to be God on a football field or the worst thing to ever put on cleats. There is no in between when discussing Fields, much like the frozen treat.
Jared Goff (Lions): Napoleon Dynamite
There’s no rhyme or reason for this. I just think he looks like Napoleon Dynamite.
Jordan Love (Packers): The Wizard of Oz
We simply don’t know what’s behind the curtain.
NFC East
Sam Howell (Commanders): Woody in Toy Story 4
Woody was the chosen one — the favorite toy when Andy was a kid. Now, with Bonnie, he’s faded into the background. Howell was a projected top five draft pick going into the 2021 college football season, but his numbers didn’t exceed the previous two years of production and he dropped to the fifth round.
Jalen Hurts (Eagles): Jordan Peele
He can run, he can pass, he’s charming, he’s stylish — he can do it all — much like Peele can seemingly do it all both in front of and behind the camera.
Daniel Jones (Giants): A ham sandwich
Like, it’s fine. If you’re hungry, you’ll eat it. It’ll get you through the day. But you’d much rather have a steak.
Dak Prescott (Cowboys): The Shawshank Redemption
It’s a great movie that did bad at the box office. Dak is a good quarterback that shrinks in the playoffs.
NFC South
Derek Carr (Saints): Jamie Lloyd in Halloween 6
Danielle Harris’ portrayal of Jamie Lloyd in Halloween 4 made a good movie great, and a bad movie bearable with Halloween 5. How was she rewarded? They cast a difficult actress to play her in Halloween 6 AND they killed her character off in the first act of the movie. Derek Carr made a franchise full of mediocrity look respectable on the field, and then they force-fed him Josh McDaniels and sent him packing the second they got the chance.
Baker Mayfield (Bucs): President of College Fraternity
Peaked in college, grabs his junk a lot, always looking for a new place to work and blaming others.
Desmond Ridder (Falcons): Trae Young
It’s actually insane how similar these two look — hairline and all. It’s even crazier that they play in the same city.
Bryce Young (Panthers): Static Shock
Everyone loved the show in the early 2000s and thought it would be great and last for multiple years. Hopefully Young outlives his superhero counterpart.
NFC West
Kyler Murray (Cardinals): Yosemite Sam
It just felt Kyler Murray was angry all the time last season. Granted, if Kliff Kingsbury was my head coach, I wouldn’t be peachy either. Maybe Jonathan Gannon can change that? *Turns on Gannon press conference* Well, good luck, Kyler.
Brock Purdy (49ers): The Office Meme of Michael Scott being confused shaking hands with his boss
It’s long-winded, yes, but it’s such a perfect example. The boss representing Kyle Shanahan and the 49ers perfect roster taking care of everything, while a confused Michael (Purdy) gets credit for eight consecutive wins.
Geno Smith (Seahawks): Benjamin Button
Geno is aging in reverse with the way he is playing.
Matthew Stafford (Rams): Humpty Dumpty
Hopefully all McVay’s horses and all McVay’s men can put Stafford’s elbow back together again.
