NICE TO SEE YOU, TO SEE YOU …
Those who say Uncle Roy never wins anything are bang out of order. Exhibit A: Sweden’s Division 2 North with Örebro SK in 1984. But on this day – 27 June 2016, a day he hopes will not go down in English football history – it’s probably fair to say he can’t win. If England beat Iceland on Monday night, not even The Fiver’s English cousin, Racist B’stard, will be getting excited. But if they lose, the only person with any sympathy for Hodgson will be Jeremy Corbyn.
Iceland were unbeaten in the group stage but had only 29% of possession, so England will be expected to dominate – just as in their group matches, when they had an Expected Goal Difference of +48 and an Actual Goal Difference of +1. “The Iceland coaches have the ability to organise a team, get the maximum out of them and make them unbelievably difficult to beat,” said Uncle Roy of a side who have lost seven of their past 15 games. An England win would mean a quarter-final against France next Sunday. If they are to avoid falling at the first significant hurdle yet again, they need to find a way of getting Harry Kane – who has looked tired in all three matches so far – to perform as he does for Spurs. “I’m not tired, I’ve had this before – last year with the Under-21s there was a similar thing,” yawned Kane. “But I’m 100%, fresh and I’m rzzzzzzz.” A cheap goal or two against Iceland might kickstart his tournament. The reported recall of Raheem Sterling also makes perfect sense. Sterling’s confidence has been shattered, so why not put him back on the same level as Adam Lallana and Marcus Rashford by shattering theirs as well?
Hodgson, in fairness, was right to complain about the criticism of his team selection against Slovakia. “We won all three of our preparation games,” he said. “I don’t think we played particularly well in any of them but we won. So everyone was hunky dory and fine. Here, in my opinion, we’ve played better but we haven’t won. So, if results are bad, therefore we are bad. That’s life. I accept it. I’m not trying to gloss over that in any way. But I can’t be as facile as to say: ‘Yeah, you’re right. I wish to God now we had played Wayne Rooney’ because I don’t know, if I had played him, the score would have been any different. It wasn’t when he came on,” he concluded, undermining his captain just so he could score points in a press conference. “All you can do is force yourself to worry only about the things you can do – to make certain that when you look in the mirror, as the players go out on to the field, you can look at yourself and say ‘What else could I have done?” Uncle Roy told The Fiver on Snapchat last night. “‘Did we prepare well enough? Was the training right? Have I chosen the right team?’”
The likelihood is, whatever team he chooses, England will win. If they don’t, certain sections of the country will find out once and for all whether laughter is the best medicine. If they do, they will be one game away from reaching the last four of a major tournament for only the second time abroad. It’s 20 years since England won a really tough knockout game at a major tournament; it has to happen some day. And if they do reach the last four, Uncle Roy will be a hero. Who cares if he actually wins anything?
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“In the dressing room I thought that this is the end for me with the national team, it’s not for me. That’s the way I feel right now, it’s a huge sadness once again and I missed the penalty that was so important. I tried so hard to be [a] champion with Argentina. But it didn’t happen. I couldn’t do it. I think it’s best for everyone, for me and for many people who want it. The choice for me is over, it is a decision” – Leo Messi is taking his talents away from the Argentina national team after they flunked their latest final, losing the Copa América on penalties to holders Chile.
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
Previewing England v Iceland, as well as Italy v Spain.
FIVER LETTERS
“Given that Gylfi Sigurdsson used to dream about facing England in the last 16 as a child, but the round of 16 was only introduced to the European Championships for this year’s tournament, do you think his childhood fortune telling ability extended to forecasting the score?” – David Wall.
“Lately, the everyday perusal of my fourth-favourite daily football email has ended on a discordant note. While most of the reading follows a gentle flow, the recent addition of ‘AND INSTACHAT TOO’ in absolutely screaming letters at the bottom has jolted me out of my chair/bed/balcony on more than a few occasions” – Yash Anand.
“Can I be one of the 1,057 to point out, contrary to your assertion in Friday’s Fiver that Thierry Henry’s handball and subsequent goal seven years ago prevented O’Ireland from making a show of themselves in the 2010 World Cup, it actually prevented them from making a show of themselves in a penalty shoot-out” – John Stainton (and no others).
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … David Wall.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Join AC Jimbo and co for the latest edition of Euro 2016 Football Daily.
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BITS AND BOBS
Laurent Blanc has finally been binned by PSG. “During his three years at the club, Laurent Blanc won 11 trophies, including two national quadruples, and left a significant mark on the great history of Paris Saint-Germain,” cheered a club statement, neatly summing up the state of French football.
Latest through the revolving door at Nottingham Forest is Philippe Montanier. “I am delighted to announce we have completed the appointment of Philippe Montainer as head coach,” tweeted owner Fawaz al-Hasawi. “Sorry Philippe Montanier,” he added 21 minutes later.
Sadio Mané is due to be unveiled shortly as a £30m purchase by Liverpool after undergoing a medical on Merseyside. Southampton shelled out just a third of that on Sunday for Norwich’s Nathan Redmond.
Having seen off Norn Iron 1-0, Wales boss Chris Coleman is training his sights on Belgium in the Euro 2016 quarter-finals. “We work better as the underdog,” he yelped. “We won’t be fearing Belgium. When teams go for us and play open, we can do a lot of damage.”
The Republic O’Ireland fans don’t want to go hooooome, but their team is after France booted them out of Euro 2016. “We put our heart and soul into the game, as has become a prerequisite for us, but we played too,” cheered Martin O’Neill. “Some of our young players have come of age on this stage and it is up to them now to take it forward.”
And Gudmundur Benediktsson, he of the excitable Icelandic commentary, has returned home to find his day job as KR Reykjavik assistant manager is no more. “After a bad start to the season I, along with the board, concluded that it is in the interests of the team that I resign,” he yelled.
STILL WANT MORE?
Jonathan Wilson channels his inner Jim Morrison and ponders … is this the end, my only friend, the end for Lionel Messi and Argentina.
Álvaro Morata puts friendships to one side as Spain face Italy in a rerun of the 2012 final. Sid has the Lowe down.
Tactics over technique, aggression over aesthetics – Italy are a team cast in the mould of their manager, writes Paolo Bandini, and all the better for it.
Euro 96 … England v Germany … penalties … Kuntz. Ben Lyttleton speaks to the former Germany striker about taking a spot-kick in the eye of the storm.
Bus-shaped super-predators Chile are now South America’s most dangerous team after winning their second Copa América in 12 months, having waited so long for silverware, reckons Martin Mazur.
In what seems certain to be part one of a money-spinning Hollywood trilogy, Barney Ronay ponders The Garadona Possibility.
Mr Roy faces the turnip treatment if Iceland prevail, warns Daniel Taylor … but fear not because Michael Cox has done his homework.
And Big Website USA! USA!! USA!!! runs the rule over the 2016 Copa América.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. AND INSTACHAT TOO!
