Wow. A standing ovation? Thank you. You're too kind.
This is so humbling. Had you told me 40 years ago I would be hailed as a fashion icon or celebrated as a pioneer inspiring generations of modern men, I'd have laughed and pulled my beanie further over my head.
So forgive me if I sound a little emotional. It's been (sniff, slight sob) a long journey.
Yes, it was gruelling at times. Mournful mornings staring into the mirror. Dark days enduring cruel barbs and snide remarks. Evenings in the shower watching my youth vanish down the plug hole.
But I persevered. As other men became slaves to fashion, pursuing mullets, ponytails, undercuts and man buns, I stayed true to myself. Never wavering. Never compromising. Never changing my hairstyle.
Never had a choice, actually.
I was barely into my 20s when my hair didn't just start receding. It fled. It began with a tactical retreat around the temples. Then the frontline cruelly collapsed. Before long the few follicular survivors had fled to the sides and deep rear, where a grim but determined resistance movement continues to this day.
It happened so fast there was no chance of a rearguard action. Not even a comb-over. Work colleagues dubbed me Garibaldi. I smiled. Toughed it out. Deep down I knew I wasn't unfashionable. Just ahead of my time.
Now that time has come. We bald men are having our moment.
More than 22,000 people recently attended a London concert, all wearing bald caps in homage to the hairless rapper Pitbull. An English newspaper last month declared "the bald guy summer is here". An American fashion magazine just declared that "the best summer accessory is a shaved head".
Online communities of bald men are thriving around the world. Hundreds of baldies gathered in California last weekend to celebrate the chrome dome look. A Tinder survey found almost half of all single women believe balding or shaven heads make men sexier.
Only half?
How far we eggheads have come after enduring centuries of bald-shaming. Julius Caesar may once have been the most powerful figure on the planet. But his troops still chanted ribald songs about his thinning scalp. Famously insecure over his disappearing thatch, the Roman emperor dutifully applied Cleopatra's home-made remedy of burned mice, horse teeth and bear fat before gladly accepting the Senate's offer of a laurel wreath to shroud his receding forehead.
Now? Increasing numbers of men with luxuriant hair are shaving their heads trying to masquerade as us.
Please. This blatant example of cultural appropriation would be repugnant if it wasn't so comical. We earned our shiny scalps. These impostors never endured a lifetime of sunburn, hiding from cruel overhead lighting or putting up with barbers charging full price for half the work.
Baldness is not a costume, gentlemen. It's a lived experience.
But your envy is understandable. Even Hollywood has leapt on board the bald bandwagon. Movies now feature an extraordinary range of hairless sex symbols like Jason Statham (virile/dangerous), Patrick Stewart (learned/distinguished), Stanley Tucci (sophisticated/orders negronis in fluent Italian) and The Rock (eyebrows capable of bench lifting a Toyota Hilux).
Want further proof that men with aerodynamic scalps canter through life with minimal resistance? A University of Pennsylvania study found that men with shaved or bald heads are perceived as stronger, taller and more dominant and confident than those with full heads of hair.
Don't believe this sudden popularity has gone to my shiny head. I may be short on follicles but my memory is long. I won't forget the slaphead gags, the egghead jokes or the witless observations that grass never grows on a busy street.
But there will be no recriminations. A true fashion icon exhibits grace in victory.
So I humbly accept your belated recognition on behalf of all genuine chrome domes. Our moment has finally arrived. Discard your baseball caps, my fellow baldies, and embrace the light.
Shine on, my brothers. Shine on.
HAVE YOUR SAY: Is bald beautiful? Have you undergone hair replacement therapy? Why are so many men adopting the bald look? Email us: echidna@theechidna.com.au
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IN CASE YOU MISSED IT:
- Deadly bird flu has spread to a sixth Australian state, sparking concerns about risks posed to Tasmanian devils and the critically endangered orange-bellied parrot.
- Australia's largest aluminium smelter at Tomago in the NSW Hunter Valley has been handed a $2.5 billion lifeline, saving thousands of workers' jobs.
- White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt will depart her role at the end of the month to spend more time with her family.
THEY SAID IT: "Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man? There's your diamond in the rough." - Larry David
YOU SAID IT: If Prime Minister Anthony Albanese had exercised better judgment and not appeared on the puerile Bush Deep podcast, we'd have been spared the silly distraction of melongate. Playing the fool to look cool clearly backfired.
"It is unbecoming, schoolboy humour, a distraction and a waste of time for us all," writes Chrissy. "Who else would have made such a comment? Not Gillard, not Rudd, not Whitlam, not Keating, not Howard, not Fraser, not Mostyn (or any other GG), not Ley or Taylor or Hastie, not Clare, not Plibersek or Wong, the list goes on. Not even Joyce. As Morrison needed Jenny, does Albanese need Jodi?"
Bill writes: "You really have to wonder the media strategy of modern pollies. And yes, there are experienced heads in this government's media advisers. But frustrated by a perceived lack of cut-through in legacy media, their advisers are looking to get through directly to the numbskull keyboard warriors, particularly those under 50. Consistently this option comes with unplanned gotcha moments, to be seized on by nongs like Barnaby Joyce (what a hide), hammered by two unfriendly media outlets (Seven and News) and a relevance deprived Liberal Party. High risk, so why do it?"
"Melongate and the other slips present Anthony Albanese as slow witted," writes Len. "It would have been easy for a prepared man to say that he'd be happy to be in the presence of Kylie Minogue but he refuses to objectify them. He could have stressed the value of food in strengthening relationships (personal or international) without descending into locker room melon jokes. And it's not hard to think up adjectives to define Grace Tame - committed and persistent come quickly to mind. Perhaps next time he wants to go on a comedy podcast he should workshop it first."
Bruce writes: "Your report is the most balanced I have read on this unfortunate, self-inflicted situation. Albo's behaviour was juvenile, tacky and certainly not 'cool'. We deserve much better from our prime minister."
"Our PM is trying so hard to be cool that he becomes an embarrassment," writes Judi.
Helga writes: "We don't need our prime minister to be a pop star - just to be a good prime minister. We've had enough of clowns and their circuses."
"The PM should not appear on these shows," writes Edward. "He's making a big mistake by trying to win over younger voters. Lack of maturity."
Jennifer writes: "Albanese's advisers seem to lack insight into his inability to respond well to unanticipated questions. His normal avoidance of 'gotcha' questions and his carefully scripted answers suggest he knows that he performs best when he has time to consider the issues and respond thoughtfully. It appears that his advisers don't get it, encouraging him to act against his nature to create a certain public impression. It doesn't work. Better for him to be authentic, highlighting his skills in other areas, such as critical analysis of complex issues, building personal relationships with people, whether international leaders, or his team."
"Absolutely cringeworthy when people in high office play the fool," writes Monica. "Somebody ought to write a book titled something like 'A Guide to Appropriate Behaviour for People Seeking Respect'. Playing the fool has never served anyone whose office relies on being respected (too many past officeholders both here and overseas have tried it and failed)."
Deb writes: "Like most politicians, Anthony Albanese is completely out of touch with the real world, and what people expect of him. What he hopes to achieve by appearing in some dumb podcast is anybody's guess. Instead of trying to be cool, and only looking tragic instead, he and his government should focus on delivering the changes people are looking for."
"Bob Hawke could get away with being a larrikin. Albanese can't. Let's move on," writes Ian.
Henry writes: "Yes, Albanese's minders need to pull him into line with these ridiculous stunts. Then again, the opposition needs to take a big huff on their smelling salts. The hysteria of them going to Defcon Rambutan is just boring."
"I cannot agree with you more strongly," writes Christine. "Why, oh why, does Anthony feel like he needs to appear on podcasts that keep drowning him in ridicule? Please just run the country! That is what we voted you into power to do. Intelligent young people will respect you more; they don't respect dads trying to be cool."
David Pope's view ...
