CHINA CRISIS
Obvious timing issues mean The Fiver doesn’t get the opportunity to report on actual football all that often – basically we’ve been a clanking empty vessel since 1998 – but on Thursday Wales played China in a match that kicked off at 11.35am our time. Finally, after all these years, a chance to fulfil our dream of becoming an old-school match reporter! In preparation, The Fiver excitedly compiled a dossier of Ryan Giggs’s first squad, studied the tactical set-up of Marcello Lippi’s side, pulled on an unwashed corduroy jacket, smeared grease in our hair and egg down the front of our string vest, stayed up half the night getting into spats with other journalists and trying to get the attention of minor celebrities on assorted social media disgraces, lost consciousness face down in a half-eaten kebab, and woke up with a start at 1.35pm having slept through the entire thing. Bah!
Much the same as any other day then, give or take. But once again may we exclaim: bah! And: wah! Because it seems we missed quite the show. According to his new boss, Gareth Bale had been treated “like a god” upon his arrival in Nanning, Guangxi, scenes reminiscent of the time “Becks came into the Manchester United team”. Happy memories for Giggsy, then, and more were made in short order as Bale took all of a couple of minutes to saunter his way through the China defence and flick a precise shot into the net while falling backwards, yawning. He made it two soon after, as China were repeatedly overrun in midfield, the hosts unable to deal with the incessant Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogochenpress. Sam Vokes added a third on 37 minutes, before Harry Wilson became the latest nipper from the Liverpool academy to score a blinder on his birthday, rendering Ben Woodburn old hat just before half-time.
The second half was a comparative non-event, with Wales scoring just a couple more en route to an easy 6-0 victory. Vokes got his second, while Bale completed his hat-trick, becoming the all-time leading scorer for Wales in doing so. His 29th goal for his country nudges him one ahead of Ian Rush on the charts, and six clear of Trevor Ford and Ivor Allchurch. “I never dreamed of being a record breaker for Wales and it’s one of the best things I’ve achieved in my career,” Bale smiled modestly after the game. “It’s great individually to get the record, but it’s more important to give the manager a great start. Everyone wants to impress him and we have to keep building on it.” They’ll get the chance to do exactly that on Monday in the China Cup final against either Uruguay or the Czech Republic, but not of course at the Ethics World Cup. Which is a shame, but then Russia are going to win that anyway. Or at least The Fiver hopes so, mainly because we’d quite like to see the expression on Boris Johnson’s face.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“There is a real family-friendly atmosphere which is what the original foundations of the club is built on” – Nigel Reo-Coker, 86, joins MK Dons on a short-term deal and somewhat misunderstands the club’s foundations.
THE FIVEЯ
Yes, it’s our not-singing, not-dancing World Cup Fiver. Out every Thursday lunchtime (GMT/BST), here’s the first edition.
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RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Football Weekly Extra, up good and early for you.
FIVER LETTERS
“So Reading’s Chinese owners, the Dai brother and sister Yongge and Xiu Li, have pulled the trigger and given Jaap Stam the boot (yesterday’s Fiver). Now the search is on for his replacement. Will they make the decision together? I rather hope not, the brother is better at it, or so I’m told. So my message to Reading is: only the good Dai, Yongge. Sorry” – Ceri Rees [you should be – Fiver Ed].
“An ‘obscure, yet encouraging fact’ about Sunderland (yesterday’s Fiver letters)? Why, it produced Lustreware pottery, of course. Ornate, expensive and very fragile. A bit like most of the squad, then” – Mike Wilner.
“I used to be obsessed by Football Director on the C64 (yesterday’s Fiver letters). One of the game’s writers, a man called Tony Huggard, named a striker after himself who is the best player in it. I’ve jumped around the living room celebrating a Huggard goal more than for any other player I can remember. This was terrific preparation for a lifetime of witnessing football writers self-elevating themselves to positions of false glory with a thoroughly contrived footballing aptitude” – Ben Yacobi.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Mike Wilner.
THE RECAP
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BITS AND BOBS
Zlatan Ibrahimovic could move to LA as early as this week after realising he’d rather play football for the Galaxy and live in Bel Air than not play football for Manchester United and live in Altrincham.
England should “go to Russia and win the World Cup – that will show who’s boss” – Matt Hanc0ck, culture, media and sport secretary, lets the UK electorate know that the government has another foolproof plan to get behind.
West Ham have opted against some serious punishment by slapping lifetime bans on home and away games to five fans who were pwopah nawty at the game with Burnley.
Karl Robinson has done one from Charlton, with Lee Bowyer taking over as caretaker manager at The Valley.
And social media disgrace debutant of the day … James Milner (the real one).
#TBT to yesterday.... when I wasn't on Twitter! 👋🏻 pic.twitter.com/TJy4RxHZJx
— James Milner (@JamesMilner) March 22, 2018
STILL WANT MORE?
Ten things to look out for in this international break. There are 10, honest.
Priya Ramesh on Ronald Koeman and the Netherlands.
Wolves’ Barry Douglas gets his chat on with Ewan Murray as a Scotland debut beckons.
Next in the World Cup stunning moments series: The Battle of Santiago.
Manchester United’s move into the Women’s Super League: better late than never, writes Suzy Wrack.
Which of England’s new centre-back call-ups best fits the style of Gareth Southgate? Martin Laurence takes a look.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
