A right Royale remake: Daniel Craig caused a splash as the new James Bond. Photograph: Jay Maidment/AFP
Hollywood is planning remakes of The Birds, Hidden, Escape from New York, How to Marry a Millionaire and Barbarella. If these projects go ahead, they would follow a long, long line of other Tinseltown remakes. I'm thinking immediately of Anna and The King, Ocean's Eleven and non-US films such as Alfie, Dark Water and The Ring, but these are inevitably just the tip of a ginormous iceberg.
On hearing such news my first, outraged response is always to wonder why (oh why) they have (at worst) decided to massacre a perfectly good movie, or even (at best) opted to re-do something that was done perfectly well in the first place. The answer, of course, is economic. If something worked before, it will surely work again. And an English-language overhaul of a successful foreign-language product is all-but guaranteed to bring in those punters who traditionally run scared of subtitled films.
Putting aside this cynical reasoning, however, the fact remains that remakes can often turn out to be great. Many times I have been to the cinema thinking that the remake was going to confirm my low expectations, only to come out happily surprised.
Maybe remakes get an unjustifiably harsh press. Many of them have established themselves as shining classics down the years, effortlessly overshadowing the films they were originally based on. Take The Maltese Falcon: a classic film noir directed by John Huston in 1941? Wrong. It was first made ten years earlier with, apparently, a Sam Spade wearing pyjamas with polka dots.
There have also been several great film-makers who have themselves gone back to features they shot earlier. Alfred Hitchcock made two versions of The Man Who Knew Too Much. Nowadays, Hidden's Michael Haneke is remaking his 1997 drama Funny Games, shot in German, into an English-language version starring Naomi Watts. It's hard to accuse these two of lacking artistic ambitions.
So here are my top three best and worst remakes. What would be yours?
Top three best remakes
Sure, the 1967 version is a spoof on the 007 franchise and so stands a million miles away from the gritty 2006 version. But it is still utterly unwatchable. The plot is non-existent, the actors are hamming it up, and my fondness for David Niven came to a crashing end as he made a hash of his turn as a lord-of-the-manor Bond.
By contrast, the modern-day Casino Royale is a fantastic thriller with film-noir touches. And incredibly for a formulaic franchise, Casino Royale's story was surprising: I gasped in shock at the plot twists, especially those concerning Le Chiffre. Plus Daniel Craig is so good he is probably the best 007 since... Actually, he is the best.
Infernal Affairs (2002) /The Departed (2006)
The 2002 Hong Kong original was so sharp and original that I was naturally nervous at the thought of what Hollywood would do with it, even in the apt hands of Martin Scorsese. Yes, he directed Taxi Driver and Raging Bull, but he is also responsible for Kundun, The Aviator and Gangs of New York. Fortunately, Scorsese kept the basic storyline and transposed the whole action to Boston, giving him a chance to create the kind of atmospheric, authentically American environment he's so good at.
The Michael Caine original is like the Mini Coopers it features: fun, fast and feisty. So I am sure there were a few anxious souls out there when it was announced that Hollywood was developing a new model. Luckily the makers of the 2003 movie were clever enough not to make a carbon copy. Instead they ditched the plot and kept a few key elements: the heist, the witty banter, the Italian setting and yes, the Minis too. Sure, it will never win an Oscar, but it was fun to watch.
Top three worst remakes
Planet of the Apes 1968 / 2001
Expectations were high that master-of-originality Tim Burton would bring something new to the Charlton Heston classic. No joy. The film has a feel of a mega Hollywood production (which it was) without any of Burton's zaniness. It doesn't help that the 1968 film's reputation largely relies on its final twist, perhaps one of the best film endings ever. Watching the 2001 movie, I was mainly interested in what they would come up in the final 10 minutes. When the ending -thankfully - came, it was pure monkey-screaming gibberish.
Nikita (1990) / The Assassin (1993)
This one is unforgiveable. Luc Besson's stylish thriller broke all the genre conventions with his portrait of a tough-yet-vulnerable female assassin trying to survive in the treacherous waters of the French secret services. And Tchéky Karyo as Nikita's twisted boss was creepy as hell.
Since it was a French film without jolly peasants or chic Parisiennes, Hollywood opted to copy Nikita scene-by-scene and have actors with solid American accents utter the exact same lines. Bridget Fonda as Nikita was as believable as Britney Spears playing Condoleeza Rice. Gabriel Byrne as her boss is trying to be menacing but mumbles his lines like a bargain-bin Brando.
Wings of Desire (1987) / City of Angels (1998)
A beautiful, poetic film about the meaning of life and what it is to feel human turns into melodramatic tosh courtesy of 'the dream factory'. Out went the musings about eternity and reality, and in came Meg Ryan, the queen of romantic comedies, trying to look as tough as a heart surgeon. A traumatic experience.
Now it's your turn to come up with your best and worst.
