ALL THE WAY FROM FIFTH TO FIFTH
The Fiver has spent a long time trying to think of a more magnificent, more dashing, more swashbuckling football team than Plucky Little Manchester United. Pep Guardiola’s Barcelona, Rinus Michels’ Ajax, Arrigo Sacchi’s Milan and John Gregory’s Aston Villa all came to mind. But they all fell short. This United team is impossible to resist. Not for nothing do their supporters wake up every morning singing about feeling fine. That’s because they’re on to something good. They know this because, against all the odds, their adorably fearless little team has defied expectations and silenced the critics and haters by rising to the heady heights of fifth place in the Premier League, nosebleed territory indeed for a club of United’s diminutive size. Fifth place, baby! Can you even begin to fathom it? Fifth place. Imagine that. What a thrill.
It truly has been a breathless journey for United, who have travelled all the way into this position from the depths of sixth – only this weekend underlining their progress in a gutsy goalless draw with mighty West Brom. And it is all taking place under the watchful eye of sunny José Mourinho, who continues to produce miraculous results in spite of his shoestring budget and bare-bones squad. Some naysayers have suggested United’s long unbeaten run actually counts for nothing, given that they’re out of the title race and five points off a spot in the top four, yet you have to place everything in context and take into account the pernicious existence of a secret conspiracy stalling the progress of Mourinho’s brave men, with goalkeepers spitefully getting in the way of their shots, referees refusing to award points on the basis of artistic merit and the mainstream media demonstrating their bias by repeatedly printing league tables that fail to reflect just how wonderful everything is at Old Trafford. You won’t catch The Fiver saying United are about as invincible as Boris in GoldenEye.
Everything’s rosy in United’s garden. Mourinho has reminded us of his famous human side by putting a supportive, cuddly arm round the shoulder of youngsters such as Luke Shaw, Anthony Martial and Marcus Rashford, and United fans were feeling especially fine – in fact, you could even say that they were feeling great – when they woke up on Tuesday morning and remembered that Everton are the visitors to Old Trafford later. Everton might be managed by master tactician and great friend of the Irish, Ronald Koeman, and they might be three points behind United, but they’re feeling positively crummy after losing Saturday’s derby to Liverpool. By contrast, United welcome back Zlatan Ibrahimovic, a canny free transfer plucked from obscurity, and £89m midfielder Paul Pogba from knack and suspension, so this could be it, their second league win at Old Trafford in 2017, the one that takes them all the way from fifth to fifth. All together now: woke up this morning feeling fine! Everybody! With feeling!
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“We have been getting changed in public toilets on the way to matches” – Áine O’Gorman of the Republic O’Ireland’s women’s team reveals the reason they may not turn up to face Slovakia next Monday and why they have a simmering funk on with the FAI, who had the brass neck to say it is “deeply disappointed” by the threat of strike action.
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FIVER LETTERS
“About Liam Hamilton advising Brian Kilcline that he must have had access to a time machine to have owned a Dacia Duster in the 1990s (yesterday’s Fiver letters). Please let Liam know that Dacia did indeed have the Duster in production from around 1984 through to 1993. I trust Liam will learn the history of Romania’s foremost car manufacturer with great attention from now on. I think Liam should be told” – Mark Olden (and 1,056 others).
“I remember the 1980s incarnation of the Dacia Duster well, and Liam can find out more about it in this scan from February 1987’s Autocar & Motor. I assume Joe Royle had also read this, hence being unimpressed at Brian choosing the Romanian offering rather than the ‘obvious winner’ of the Lada Niva” – Gareth Jones.
“There’s a lovely collection of photos here. And I would also suggest Liam brush up on his Wikipedia game” – Sean Boiling.
“Re: yesterday’s Bits and Bobs. Dejan Lovren is about a week late if he wants showing off his legs to be headline news. Which is still earlier than he usually turns up to head clear a corner, etc and so on” – Tim Woods.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Tim Woods.
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BITS AND BOBS
Liverpool’s Big Cup hopes could be dealt a blow after Sadio Mané’s knee swelled up like a water balloon to raise fears of a more severe, season-ending knack-rating.
Sunderland “fully support” David Moyes after he told a reporter she “might get a slap.” A club suit trilled: “The matter was treated with the utmost seriousness from the outset and the swift and decisive action taken by the club and the manager at the time ensured that it was resolved to the satisfaction of the reporter and the BBC.”
Craig Shakespeare has revealed that Jamie Vardy was close to having a party every night as a club rep when he almost quit football during his first season with Leicester. “Myself, Nigel [Pearson] and Steve [Walsh] sat him down and told him about his attributes and that we thought he could go on. We not only mentioned he was capable of playing in the Premier League, we said he also had the attributes to play for the national team. Thankfully he didn’t go to Ibiza.”
Jesus will be back in time for Easter. Good news for Manchester City, then.
Arsène Wenger is chuffed because somebody agrees with him about something. “If you listen to [Pep] Guardiola, he said the other day that to achieve the top four in England is a trophy, because it’s so difficult,” he beamed. “I am happy, as well, that people realise suddenly that it’s not as easy as it always looked.”
The chief suit of coin-generating pre-season slogathon the International Champions Cup reckons a 39th game on foreign soil is closer than you think. “I think the Premier League is looking to do a bit of an imbalanced schedule, which seems to be a pretty reasonable thing to do,” blathered Charlie Stillitano. “Yeah it might be heresy … but I don’t think it is something that is that far away. I don’t.”
Filippo Vito di Pierro, coach of Spanish third tier team Eldense, has been nicked by the fuzz in relation to alleged match-fixing after their 12-0 spanking by Barcelona B.
Matt Lowton has scrawled his name all over a two-year contract extension at Burnley. “I’ve enjoyed every minute of my time at Burnley and want to play my part in keeping the club in the Premier League and beyond,” he Buzz-Lightyeared.
Bury have signed Sam Allardyce. Yes, really.
And former England manager Sam Allardyce has warned Wilfried Zaha to keep his eyes off tabloid guff. “Hopefully Wilf is not listening to all that the papers are saying … I don’t want him to get distracted from the focus, which is getting better and keeping us in the Premier League,” he no-pressured.
STILL WANT MORE?
The joshing, the slap-joke, the fallout: the Great Moyes Debate has begun. By Marina Hyde.
Wales international Jessica Fishlock gets her chat on with Sachin Nakrani, as she reaches the 100-cap landmark.
Paul Wilson ventures into the Luke Shaw-José Mourinho saga.
Manchester City offer an interesting counterpoint to Arsenal’s stasis, writes Barney Ronay.
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