SURROUND SOUND
If you stand looking north-east or south-west anywhere in the English midlands, so one ear points north-west while the other faces south-east, you can probably hear, in perfect stereo, a click, a puff, cascading liquid, and finally two extremely satisfying thuds. Those are the sounds, in the wake of Manchester City and Tottenham Hotspur’s advancement to the knockout stages of Big Cup, of Pep Guardiola and Humility Man™ lighting up a cigar, pouring themselves a large brandy and throwing their boots up on the desk. Job’s done! Wahey! All finished! Now to enjoy Thanksgiving, Christmas and the New Year with nary a care in the world.
Poor old Jürgen Klopp doesn’t have that luxury. Not even the smallest sip of glühwein for Po’ Jürgs. This miserable state of affairs is a result of Liverpool’s December schedule, in which the Premier League leaders and European champions have to kick off a brand new match every 80 minutes as part of a collaborative effort between Fifa, Uefa and the Premier League to rupture the space-time continuum. Wednesday night’s working over by Napoli doesn’t help matters, as they’ll now have to put in a shift at Salzburg if they want to make it to the last 16, though Klopp is more worried about the ankle-knack picked up by Fabinho. “That’s massive, I don’t want to say what I expect, but it’s pretty painful,” Klopp sighed, as party poppers went off in the background, Marco Silva adding to the sound collage before next Wednesday’s Merseyside derby.
Frank Lampard’s Chelsea manager Frank Lampard can’t relax either. No cigar or brandy for Po’ Frankie yet. Not allowed. That’s because his FLC side are also still fretting on qualification, drawing 2-2 with Valencia in a game where the absurdly profligate Spanish side’s expected goals tally must have been six or seven at the very least. (We haven’t checked but it must have been, or those stats are less than worthless, we saw all those gilt-edged chances with our own eyes.) Chelsea now have to beat Lille in their last game to make sure of advancement, though some good news could be taken away when a worrying-looking knack for Tammy Abraham turned out to be mere bruising. Ah well, FLCMFL and Jürgen labour on. No complaints, it’s their job after all, though it is hard to concentrate with all this lip smacking, ice cracking and contented laughter rumbling away in the background.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
Join Scott Murray now for hot MBM coverage of Astana 1-3 Manchester United, while Paul Doyle and Simon Burnton will have the Big Vase clockwatch from 5.55pm.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“He’s turned his back on the city and what made him who he is” – Kaveh Hosseinpour, vice-president of the Malmö supporters’ club, after Zlatan Ibrahimovic bought a 25% share of rival Swedish top-flight club Hammarby. A 9ft statue of the striker has been further vandalised by people attempting to set it alight.
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RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Football Weekly Extra will be in this general vicinity.
FIVER LETTERS
“If Matt Dony, or indeed any Fiver readers of a certain age, are missing the 90s (yesterday’s Fiver letters), I can heartily recommend the Britpop Revival Show, which plays two hours of classics from the era every Wednesday night. I can also (albeit slightly less heartily) recommend Love in the Time of Britpop, which not only has lots of Britpop references but also plenty of 90s football, including a namecheck for Tommy Tynan of Plymouth Argyle fame. There’s also a rude joke about Menswear for good measure” – Tim Woods.
“Jacklin O’Riordan tried to claim £1,452 from The Fiver for a failed so-called ‘business agreement’ (yesterday’s letters). I think Jacklin should wait in line, as the majority of long-time Fiver sufferers like myself deserve compensation for having your tea-timely nonsense forced into our inboxes for so long. Mind you, even the suggestion that you would even have any money that Weird Uncle Fiver hadn’t already pinched from you to support his habits laughable” – Nick Jeffery.
“As a famously positive person who only ever sees the good in people, I can only imagine that Jacklin genuinely values a copy of An A to Z of Football Collectibles to be worth £1,452. Now, I appear to have recently come into possession of said artefact, and Jacklin’s in luck! I’m willing to part with it for the low, low price of £1,089: a massive saving of 25%! Better move fast, these kinds of offers can’t last. I await the call” – Matt Dony.
“As a flamin’ Strayan Soccer supporter, we are desperate for a coach to make it on the world stage. Imagine my dismay to hear Ante Covic was shown the door marked Do One at Hertha (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs). This was soon overcome with a little research showing that our Ante is actually still the custodian at Rockdale City Suns FC. By the way, Kevin Muscat is available. Any takers?” – Tim Buchanan.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is … Tim Woods, who bags a copy of An A to Z of Football Collectibles. We’ve got more prizes to give away, so get scribbling.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Former South Yorkshire police chief superintendent David Duckenfield has been found not guilty of gross negligence manslaughter more than 30 years after he commanded the police at the 1989 FA Cup semi-final at Hillsborough between Liverpool and Nottingham Forest, at which 96 people died.
N’Golo Kanté has denied that he was threatened by someone carrying a gun months after his transfer to Chelsea, amid an extraordinary dispute between his advisors.
An investigation is under way at Blackpool after a video apparently showing a steward punching a fan emerged.
Mumbai City FC have become the eighth team to be sucked into the Unicron-esque advancing of City Football Group’s portfolio.
Despite slumping hard under the stewardship of a Zelda from Terrahawks lookalike, West Ham are apparently Europe-bound! “I came here to try to make a step with this club, to try to fight for a European spot,” cheered Manuel Pellegrini. “That is my mentality and we continue with that mentality.”
And the Spurs ballboy, who got Humility Man™ singing his praises for quick-thinking in the win over Olympiakos, has been chatting to the club’s website. “I was just doing my job and I still can’t quite believe what happened,” tooted Callum Hynes. “It was really nice of him to come over to me. It’s made my day, my life, really.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Peterborough’s relentless production line and upcycling of forwards comes under the gaze of Ben Fisher.
Dries Mertens and Napoli showed Liverpool’s rivals that the Big Cup champions have their flaws, writes Barney Ronay.
Sid Lowe was at Mestalla for that entertaining Valencia v Chelsea clash.
The fanatical world of football badges. By Seb White.
“We built our promotion in Serie C around our cafeteria” – after the recent England shenanigans, a positive food-based football story! Parma suit Daniele Faggiano on their latest rise.
Chelsea’s flamin’ Sam Kerr coup has left rival leagues scrambling to keep up with the WSL, reckons Suzanne Wrack.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
RECOMMENDED LOOKING
It’s David Squires on … Humility Man™. And you can buy a copy of it right here.
