At the start of Fierce (ITV) Steve Backshall stands on an overhanging rock at the top of a vertiginous waterfall, chest puffed out, legs slightly apart, like a matador, or Cristiano Ronaldo teeing up a free kick. “My name’s Steve Backshall and this is Fierce,” he says. No Tarzan yell, sadly, an opportunity missed, I think.
I don’t totally believe in Steve the uber-male, top-of-the-waterfall, top-the-food-chain, apex predator. He seems a bit too nice. But this is one of those shows, so he’s got to try to play the part. “For me, the wilder the better,” he says, trying to sound really, really wild. Oh Steve, you’re so Fierce.
To the islands of Indonesia, where DANGER lurks EVERYWHERE. Steve gets to show off his Indonesian and his body in tight neoprene (both impressive). He meets a pufferfish, which might look comedic but isn’t funny if you eat it. And a stonefish, which looks evil and is: a ghost-faced killer with 13 hypodermic needles built into its back, which will inject deadly venom into anyone who stands on it. “Now that is what I call a fierce fish,” says Steve, looking the camera in the eye.
To the island of Komodo next, to play kiss chase and tug of war with the local dragons. They – Komodo dragons – really are nasty; venomous dribble pours from their mouths. It’s why they’re also known as the Katie Hopkinses of the reptile world.
Next Bali, where, beneath the honeymoon idyll, giant king cobras slither hither and thither. Steve interrupts one, mid-meal; it’s swallowing a rat snake. “That is as fierce as it gets,” he says, impressed. When it’s finished, Steve and the local snake catchers catch it and bag it up to be taken to the forests of western Bali for release. They also set free four cute (for now) little baby rescue cobras. If you’re in the Bali area, best not venture to the west side, it’s seething with these very unhuggable hoodies.
Then it’s back into rubber, to look for a flamboyant cuttlefish, which gallops across the seabed, killing things. While he’s down there, a huge ray comes straight for Steve. No, really, it’s going to get him. Oh, it’s a manta ray: totally harmless. Well, soar on manta, there’s no room for a gentle giant on Fierce.
Tribal Teens: Here Comes Trouble (Channel 5) is a good idea. As television – it’s Brat Camp meets Bruce Parry, I imagine someone said at a pitching meeting – and as a parenting tool.
Two horrid British kids – Ethan, who’s basically Harry Enfield’s teenager Kevin, and pampered princess Alex – are packed off to darkest Peru to live with the Ashàninka people for a week.
“Like, where’s the Topshop at?” says Alex, looking around at trees and muddy water.
“How far is it?” whines Ethan.
They’re given tribal gear to wear, an open shack to sleep in, a hole in the ground as a loo. And whatever’s going to eat: fish cooked in bamboo (looks good), maggot snacks (less so), a lot of yucca (yuck). Obviously, they’re utterly hopeless, lost and tearful. But then at least Alex makes a go of it, befriends a very small granny, gets involved.
Ethan continues to be a disaster; you could take Ethan into his own garden on a cold day and he would probably just lie down and die rather than have the initiative to take himself back inside; so in the rainforest he’s in big trouble. But he is good at articulating his own inadequacies; quite entertaining about it actually, and by the end of the week even he is just about lifting a finger.
The storyline is familiar, and predictable. But it’s fun; I never tire of watching stroppy teens taken way out of their comfort zones. It’s very clear that all British teens should spend some time with a tribe.
I’d also like to see the experiment reversed: bring the Ashàninka back to suburban Britain and tell them they can have anything they want. Then ferry them around to wherever they want to go, encourage them to smoke a lot of weed and stay in bed until lunchtime, then watch as they become unmotivated, parasitic, useless human beings. Ethically and anthropologically questionable maybe, but I think it would work as television.
