TEFLON SEPP
At the time of writing, Sepp Blatter is not in jail. Nor is he in an igloo or a space shuttle. No, His Holiness is exactly where he should be, still proudly astride his golden throne in Switzerland, contemplating ways to use another term as the hallowed father of Fifa to deliver even more joy and peace to the global footballing family. Amen.
Uefa has decided not to boycott Friday’s presidential elections in the wake of the FBI collaring a – what’s the right collective term here? - brown envelope of Fifa executives; and Britain’s Tory government, renowned for its intolerance of white collar chicanery, has called for Blatter to be replaced to help deodorise a sport that should be known for nothing other than the excellence of players from teams such as Aston Ham and West Harlequins and, oh, you know, all those others sides with great batsmen.
But there are still people brave enough to stand up for the doctrine of Blatter Infallbility. “This is yet another blatant attempt [by the United States] to extend its jurisdiction to other states,” stormed Vladimir Putin, who seemingly ranks suggestions of wrongdoing by Fifa alongside other fictional notions such as Big Foot, unicorns and Ukrainian sovereignty. “It’s a clear attempt not to allow Mr Blatter to be re-elected as president of Fifa, which is a great violation of the operating principles of international organisations,” added Putin, without specifying whether due process should instead involve tanks and surface-to-air missiles.
So that you no longer have to wonder what the head of the Guinea Bissau Football Association makes of all this, Manuel Nascimento Lopes piped up today to reassert his deep faith in Blatter and denounce the diabolical campaign against him. “I’m a Christian and this is blasphemy,” Nascimento Lopes blurted to Insideworldfootball.com, seemingly deifying the Swiss before hastily pointing out that this god is not omniscient: “People say Blatter must have known about this but do I know other people’s secrets?”
• Follow the Fifa congress opening ceremony live right here.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“The club wishes to state that tomorrow’s press conference concerns only footballing matters related to Napoli and not the future of Benítez” – Napoli club statement, 27 May.
“I would like to thank the president, the club and all the fans because after two years I’m finishing my experience here with Napoli” - Rafa Benitez, 28 May.
FIVER LETTERS
[Snip – Fiver Lawyers].
[Snip – Fiver Lawyers].
[Snip-snippety-snip – Fiver Lawyers].
“Hang on a minute. It sounds like David Lagercrantz [yesterday’s Fiver quote of the day] is actually the world’s greatest ghostwriter and has nothing to apologise for if he managed to make Zlatan retrospectively concur that his ‘Zlatan quotes’ were actually Zlatan quotes. I managed to do the same for Mamady Sidibe when ghostwriting his book, but doing it for football’s best and most humble gentleman doesn’t feel like such an achievement. Hats off, Mr Lagercrantz! PS this isn’t a plug for Mamady Sidibe’s autobiography. Although if it were, I’d mention that it’s called The Luckiest Man in Football and that it’s really good” – Stephen Glennon.
“Re: Marten Allen (Wednesday’s Fiver letters). Chelsea fan here, I am more than fine with football being a stick of celery and I hope the metaphor never changes” — Damien Neva.
“Re Adrian Foster’s letter about Xavi. Whilst I agree with the sentiment can I just point out that the ‘one club man’ is actually signing for another club? Much like Gerrard. And whilst Liverpool fans might presently tell us that it doesn’t count, you can bet it will if he wins the USA! USA! USA! League title” – Stephen Yoxall.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Stephen Glennon.
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BITS AND BOBS
Carlo Ancelotti won’t be taking over at Liverpool, or anywhere else for that matter – he’s going to kick back and give that eyebrow a rest for a bit, according to his wife.
Real Madrid have denied they are making a move for Paul Pogba, which if this is a precedent then brace yourselves for a looooooooooooong summer.
Looks like EA Sports are moving into the 20th century, some 16 years after the rest of us left it, after they announced women’s teams will be available in the upcoming Fifa 16 game.
Steve McClaren’s reward for helming Derby’s heroic bottle job could be a gig at Sunderland, after Dick Advocaat decided to show himself the door marked ‘Do one.’
Showing that sentimentality has no place in football, Hull have released their two longest serving players – Liam Rosenior and Paul McShane – who are among six invited aboard the good ship ‘Do One’. Alex Bruce has earned himself a new deal though, interestingly.
Stevie Me will get all those ‘Hollywood ball’ puns started on 11 July, when he is set to make his debut for LA Galaxy.
STILL WANT MORE?
Just how bad were our pre-season predictions? About as bad as yours.
SELL! KEEP! SELL! KEEP! SELL! KEEP! Who’s going to be invited to sit next to Louis van Gaal in his big chair at Manchester United, and who’s he going to drop into his big bin? Jamie Jackson looks at the Old Trafford squad.
The best of Bill O’Herlihy, Villa and Arsenal in the FA Cup final and ‘when kicking a wall goes slapstick’. It’s our round-up of the best in YouTube land.
Goals of the week, featuring Wesley Sneijder, James Rodríguez and a ttttttthhhhhhhhhhrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiker from John Arne Riise.
‘You’ve done this, this, this and this, you ain’t done badly in your life.’ And it’s like: ‘Yeah, I know, but I didn’t win the FA Cup.’” John Gregory talks to Stuart James.
From Texas to Craven Cottage: Emerson Hyndman could be America’s next star, reckons Kristan Heneage.
“I left the freezer open last night. In the morning everything was ruined. That’s how I felt after this defeat. “ Klopp or not? Test your knowledge of the outgoing Dortmund manager’s pearls of wisdom.
Ian McCourt tells the sad tale of Albert Johanneson, the first black footballer to play in the FA Cup final
Thirty years after the disaster Juventus have started to acknowledge the 39 victims of Heysel. Owen Gibson reports.
And Eamonn McCabe offers his harrowing first-hand account of the tragic night in Belgium.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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