OUT ON A LIM
The Fiver doesn’t often feel sorry for big football clubs falling on hard times, nor is there much pity for billionaires squandering cash on poor managerial appointments only to pull the trigger when the realisation sets in that the new man is worse than the last one. Yet there is something sad about the state of Valencia. The club that brought the world Fernando Morientes, gave David Villa the chance to flourish and established Santiago Cañizares as one of the world’s top keepers before he dropped a bottle of aftershave and broke his foot have slumped to the bottom of La Liga. Pako Ayestarán, the eighth coach at Mestalla since the word “legacy” took on a new meaning, became the latest to get chopped by Peter Lim following a pointless start to the campaign.
The club are at their lowest ebb since being relegated in 1987, having offloaded 18 players in the summer while only bringing in seven of ordinary – at best – quality. But fear not, The Fiver has a solution. It is time for Mr Lim to go out on one. Herein begins the campaign for the job to go to Salford City’s fearsome twosome Anthony Johnson and Bernard Morley. It makes sense. Lim took up a 50% “philanthropic” stake in Salford two years ago and must be aware of the primetime documentary duo’s consecutive promotions. Any risk of players becoming lazy or not grafting would immediately be resolved by ferocious expletive-laden rants – Nani could act as translator – and, in turn, maybe the Conference North team could gain some Spanish players on loan to ensure another triumph.
Most of all, though, the whole world could enjoy the TV spinoff. There could be an episode where star striker Rodrigo decides to open a cheese shop, the following week Gary Neville can take the joint-managers for paella, and maybe even Babs could bring her kitchen on tour, serving burgers and barms for the notorious Yomus Ultras. It may even have a storybook ending: a win over Villarreal on the final day to ensure their top-flight status before meeting Barcelona at the Calderón for a Copa del Rey final. Gareth Seddon, brought in on a pay-as-you-play deal, having been convinced out of retirement after learning he can keep his tan topped up all year round, could even score the winner.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Yes, it’s true that my mother has a go at me when I don’t track back. We are very, very close and she demands a lot from me, which is great. She only praises me if I have done something worthy of praise. I am really happy to have a mum like that, who really cares” – incoming Manchester City forward Gabriel Jesus gets his chat on with Alfredo Spalla.
FIVER LETTERS
“Re: Barcelona coach Luis Enrique’s calls for focus on ‘things that are against the rules’ (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs). Perhaps adding examples of things we should focus on criticising would have helped the world know where to turn its gaze. You know, things such as tax-knack, uncertain transfer fees, breaking Fifa rules regarding signing underage kids, etc and so on. If only there was a club that knew of similar things in the recent past. Oh” – Diego García.
“In yesterday’s Fiver, much talk centred around rebranding and its benefits. I propose that the current Milk Cup should be rebranded as the Yaya Touré Cup in honour of the last penalty taker who achieved the honour of winning the 2015-16 cup for Manchester City. I propose that the final take place on 13 May, so as to not upset anyone, and that the Yaya Touré Perpetual Cup be presented to the manager of the winning team by Yaya himself” – Dimitri Sel … sorry, Raymond Reardon.
“I am hosting the Faltering Fullback pub quiz on a Monday next month. It’ll arrive some time after 5pm. The Fiver has always been a strong influence” – Dan Ashley.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Diego García.
SUPPORT THE GUARDIAN
Producing the Guardian’s thoughtful, in-depth journalism – the stuff not normally found in this email – is expensive, but supporting us isn’t. If you value our journalism, please support us by making a one-off or recurring contribution.
BITS AND BOBS
Uefa has broken with big tournament branding convention and unveiled a Euro 2020 logo that doesn’t look like anything obscene or an electric shaver.
Meanwhile, FA head suit Martin Glenn has set out his big 2020 vision for England. “We’ll turn up as contenders,” he cheered. “Turn up as a reasonable favourite, and take it from there.”
Chelsea’s Cesc Fàbregas says he’ll win over Antonio Conte by outshining his classmates. “I just feel like a little boy in training, trying to win my spot back,” he roared.
English Heritage have unveiled a blue plaque in north London for the late Laurie Cunningham, the first black footballer to play for England in a competitive international.
Xherdan Shaqiri is in Stoke’s squad for Wednesday’s Rumbelows Cup defeat to Hull after getting over his calf-knack. Assistant Mark Bowen says Aisla from Home and Away plans to field a “strong line-up”, which begs lots of obvious questions.
Former Taxpayers FC captain leader etc Billy Bonds says the London Stadium isn’t fit for football. “It seems strange,” he honked. “The pitch is like an island out in the middle.”
And Emile Mpenza is suing his ex-Plymouth manager Paul Sturrock for suggesting the former Belgium forward once missed training “because he’d taken V1agra the previous night and still had an erect1on.” Lawyer Laurent Denis: “Emile has been deeply shocked by this imaginary tale.” Will they make it stand up in court?
STILL WANT MORE?
Tickets are available now for Amy Lawrence’s chin-wag evening with Ian Wright on 4 October. Get them here, it says.
The Knowledge went live earlier. Live Knowledge! Read how it went – including facts about the south-coast team with six England captains and the team that finished second six years in a row without getting promoted.
Yaya Toure’s media-shy Mr 15% isn’t going to win a PR battle with Pep Guardiola, so he should stop trying, says Paul Wilson.
Sunderland’s USA! USA!! USA!!! ace Lynden Gooch tells Chris Young: “I knew I was good enough from a young age.”
And Mikel John Obi is still at Chelsea! Who knew? Oh, OK. Everyone apart from The Mill.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. AND INSTACHAT, TOO!
