Conspiracy theorist Alex Jones is Elvis Presley
US conspiracy salesman Alex Jones must pay USD $965 million ($1,507,141,825) in damages to numerous families for cruelly claiming they faked the Sandy Hook tragedy.
But lawyers say Jones won’t have to pay because he is Elvis Presley.
“This is typical Elvis behaviour,” said an Alex Jones impersonator in a white Hawaii jumpsuit.
Jones will sue Elvis Presley impersonators for impersonating Alex Jones.
Jones said, “I’m caught in a trap, I can’t walk out. I ain’t never caught a rabbit, and you ain’t no friends of mine.”
Alex Jones has left the building.
Dutton to see here, move along please
Peter Dutton has rebuked, after his first buke failed, Liberal Party vice-president Teena McQueen (not a drag name).
McQueen said the Coalition’s election loss was OK because it rid the party of “lefties”. A spokeswoman dismissed McQueen’s comment as “many a true word spoken in all seriousness”.
A liberal lackey lickspittle leapt from the centre-right-of-right. “The election also got rid of a lot ‘righties’ – it was even-handed in its dismemberments.”
When asked for comment, McQueen had nothing left to say. And furthermore, she had a right to say it.
Mr Dutton won’t be demanding McQueen’s resignation. He wouldn’t dare.
What makes Putin tick?
Madman? Tyrant? Spoonbill? A Kremlin expert explained: “What makes Putin tick? He has ways of making you tock.”
Putin’s tic is a parasitic arachnid that sucks the blood out of its hosts and drives them Vlad.
Exclusive!!! Donald Trump will run forever
The next President of the United States, Donald Trump, will run to be the next President of the United States, and the next, and the next …
“Will he? Won’t he?” said journalists desperate to create suspense.
The Ferguson Report can confirm Trump will run for president to avoid jail. He is convinced the presidency is still up for gropes … Sorry, grabs.
A Trumper trumpeted: “Since Donald won the contested 2020 election, he finds being president easier than he expected.”
American born-again women have vowed to vote for the cat-grabber despite his sins. “We are all sinners,” said one, much to the alarm of her husband.
Reserve Bank loses your money responsibly
The Reserve Bank claims a technical glitch caused an industry-wide bank payment transfer outage.
To fix the problem, the bank will raise interest rates.
And to fix that problem, the bank will raise interest rates.
In other news …
DOOMSDAY CLOCK THROWN OUT OF WHACK BY DAYLIGHT SAVING
CHARLES TO DUMP TRADITION AND ARRIVE AT CORONATION RIDING ANDREW
TOURISM AUS PICKS ‘RUBY ROO’ CAMPAIGN OVER ‘CHUCK ANOTHER ROO ON THE BARBIE’
STREAMER CUTS OUT MIDDLEMAN, STARTS AUDITIONS FOR PHOTOGENIC SERIAL KILLERS
BIKIE SUSPECTED OF IMPORTING ICE CAUGHT DOING 150KPH WITHOUT BIKE