MEET THE NEW BOSS
Whoever takes over as Fifa president next year will have to follow in footsteps made by some mighty big shoes. Take the last three men to hold the post. There’s Stanley Rous, who went out of his way to lend his support to apartheid-era South Africa. There’s Jean-Marie Faustin Godefroid de Havelange, the son of a wealthy arms dealer who thoughtfully shortened his name to João so it would be easier for folk to quickly write him out a cheque. And then there’s avuncular Sepp Blatter, who would happily give you his last forkful of foie gras, because there’ll be another course along in a minute, and in any case all the catering is offset against tax. Who could possibly live up to these exacting standards? Not many people, that’s who!
The FA has decided that Michel Platini has what it takes to follow in this grand tradition, though only if he makes “fundamental changes” to Fifa, an organisation which over the past couple of half-centuries has been tainted by accusations of, among many other things, cronyism. While admitting that they’ve “yet to see Mr Platini’s manifesto”, the FA is going with him regardless, because “we have a good relationship with him”. Mmm, feel that minty fresh air whipping through the corridors of power!
Chung Mong-joon doesn’t get a sense of any breeze, though. Platini announced his intention to stand for the presidency on Wednesday, and Hyundai billionaire Chung thinks there are holes in the Uefa supremo’s candidacy big enough to drive an eight-seater SUV with 851 litres of luggage space and air conditioning as standard through. Promising to run on a one-term ticket, Chung argued that it would be “very difficult for Mr Platini to have any meaningful reforms” because he “enjoys institutional support from the current structure of Fifa” and is “very much a product of the current system”. Chung promised that, were he elected instead – and he intends to stand – he would not “enjoy the luxury of the office” but “change it”. Trading in the Swiss force-fed geese sector was immediately suspended due to extreme market volatility.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“He is not going to Kurdistan” – upon being grilled as to why he didn’t know the whereabouts of Ángel di María, Louis van Gaal offers this retort to a hack from Kurdistan.
PREMIER LEAGUE PREVIEWS
Our season guides have reached the letter L in the alphabet. Today it’s Paul Doyle on Leicester City and Sachin Nakrani on Liverpool, plus videos of Stuart James assessing what Claudio Ranieri must do to take the Foxes forward and Andy Hunter pondering how a post-$tevie Mbe Liverpool will look.
FIVER LETTERS
“Hearing about the plight of Liverpool’s Malaysian fans (yesterday’s Quote of the Day) brought to mind the ‘experiences’ me and my two kids had last year following Liverpool to Charlotte. After a 600-mile drive from Philadelphia on the day before the game with Milan, we arrived at the stadium for the ‘free’ practice to find out that it was an ‘all-ticket event’ and that all of the tickets had inevitably landed in the hands of the touts. So, to soothe the pleading faces of the bairns, I shelled out $40 per ticket (face value $0) and we attended the practice in the hope that the team would ‘do a lap’ afterwards and maybe sign some gear. After a spirited training session, our security guard told us that the team would indeed do a lap, and Pepe Reina and Glen Johnson were loitering (Pepe taking penalties while Glen kept goal) so as not to waste time going into the dressing room and coming back out again. However, Mr Officious Stadium Manager huffed out soon after and told us that the players were sodding off to their hotel and so we should all just do one. Pepe and Glen shrugged at us as they were bustled off the field. So we ran to the parallel event (1.5 miles away) where Robbie Fowler was telling tales and signing gear, only to find that (again not advertised) it was an event that you had to have a golden ticket for and that all of these had gone to friends of the local radio station that was organising the event. We couldn’t even scalp a ticket nor get past the barrier to see Robbie. Exhausted, dejected and starving we went back to our hotel and my kids sagely questioned why we were doing this. I told them that this was what life as a fan was all about – being exploited and generally the last group thought about when planning these events. Sad thing is we’d do the same thing again tomorrow if the chance arose. Fools and their money and all that” – Patrick J Carr.
“Re: yesterday’s last line. If you soak the iPhone charge port in water for two to three hours, the rice will soften sufficiently enough to allow it to be removed, you can then proceed to rechar … oh” – Seamus Scanlon.
“I must be one of 1,057 Fiver readers to suggest that, surely, Graham Parker (yesterday’s Still Want More?) should be in charge of the Rumour Mill?” – Darren Beach (and no others).
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Patrick J Carr [it would have been cruel on the bairns – Fiver Letters Ed].
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BITS AND BOBS
Zlatan Ibrahimovic probably won’t be coming to a club near you soon after he teasered that “where I go next, it will be a surprise, a very big surprise”.
“This exhibit is ripped right from today’s headlines about the globe’s most popular sport. To our growing number of visitors from places like the United Kingdom, Mexico, Brazil and Italy, the Fifa scandal provides an especially resonant example of the different shapes organised crime can take” – Jonathan Ullman, chief suit at America’s Mob Museum, gives his latest display the big sell, although The Fiver’s guessing a quick googling would save you the $19.95 entry fee.
Everton have told Chelsea that if they want John Stones dribbling dangerously out of defence at Stamford Bridge next season, they’ll have to stump up at least £30m.
Rickie Lambert is surplus to requirements at Anfield and looking to restart his career at West Brom. “He didn’t play last year so it’s like bringing a brand new car out of the garage if we did sign him,” cheered Tony Pulis. “Just putting a bit of petrol in it and letting it run.”
Stoke City have given Andy Wilkinson – who left the club at the end of last season – a short-term deal while he recovers from a serious head injury.
Aston Villa are in talks with Blackeye Rovers over the transfer of goal-plundering big-man Rudy Gestede.
Meanwhile, Oldham have snapped up treatment-table-bothering former Blackeye midfielder David Dunn, 78, on a free. “This signing will make our midfield one of the strongest in League One,” honked boss Darren Kelly.
And Sol Campbell has written off votes in north-east London as he bids to become London mayor. “Everything about Arsenal was better than Spurs at the time, from the players, management to the mentality of the club and the facilities,” he blabbed on some radio show.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Last up for the full audio interviews of Barry Glendenning’s chats with former players is this one with Chris Kamara.
STILL WANT MORE?
What has Manchester United’s schlep around the US taught us? That David de Gea’s future is still an issue – and so is Bastian Schweinsteiger’s knee-knack, writes Jamie Jackson, who thankfully took notes.
A little football miracle will be played out on Thursday as an Arab manager, Salah Hasarma, takes charge of the Israeli league runners-up in a Big Vase qualifier. Shaul Adar takes up the story …
Why the Championship is the toughest of all managerial challenges. By Paul Wilson.
MLS is now the hip place for 30-something footballers once lauded in Europe. It wasn’t always thus, explains Harry Gray.
This week’s Classic YouTube features Robin Williams making the 1994 World Cup draw with Sepp Blatter, plus … live and direct from the Burlington Hotel in Dublin, it’s the 1991 FAI International Soccer Awards.
Chelsea Ladies’ brilliant South Korean midfielder, Ji So-yun, talks to Jacob Steinberg about her Player of the Year gong and how she hopes to cap a brilliant year with an FA Cup winners’ medal.
Meanwhile, John Duerden reports how Kang Soo-il’s drugs ban ruins inspirational tale for mixed-race Koreans.
The latest Football Weekly Live show in London has sold out, but there are still tickets on sale for an evening with Lord Ferg, at the Bridgewater Hall in Manchester.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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