Father’s Day is the perfect opportunity for dads to self-reflect. It’s a chance for them to ask if they’re really doing the best job they can, to go back to the unread parenting books they bought feverishly during their partner’s pregnancy and learn how to be a better role model for their children.
The problem with this idea, though, is that books are stupid and boring. In fact, no, you’re right, it’d be much better just to watch a load of dads from the golden age of TV and copy what they do instead. Spoilers follow, if you’re the sort of ninny who gets het up about these things.
Tywin Lannister (Game of Thrones): how to become an authority figure
By all accounts, this is the dad you should most want to mimic. There’s none of that “My kid is my best friend” nonsense with Tywin; he’s a distant, hard-to-please authority figure, and this is what has pushed his brood to greatness. Tywin’s trick? Treating his children like dirt, while constantly underlining the importance of family to them so they never abandon him. As a tactic, it’s paid off in spades. I’m only halfway through season four, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it ends with Tyrion Lannister giving Tywin a beautiful, handmade “World’s Best Dad” mug.
Don Draper (Mad Men): how to teach your kids human intimacy
It is, of course, a fundamental parental responsibility to have a hand in your child’s sex education. Not only will this stop your offspring from straying into misinformed trouble at an early age, it’ll also strengthen the bond of trust between you forever. However, talking about things is stupid and boring. Much better to have your child walk in on you having it off with someone who isn’t your wife and let them learn that way. Also, Don Draper teaches us to let kids grow up however they see fit. So, when your son comes home from school clearly being played by a different actor, try not to look surprised.
Walter White (Breaking Bad): how to deal with teenage rebellion
Walter White understands that a fundamental aspect of adolescence is rebellion. During the teen years, your offspring will deliberately attempt to sever the binds that tie them to childhood. Trying to stop this is a waste of everyone’s time, which is why White didn’t seem all that bothered when his son Walter Jr chose to suddenly adopt the name Flynn. If you do find yourself at a loss following your son’s rebellious phase, why not copy Walter and find a substitute son? Sure, it’ll spark off a chain of events that will inevitably end with them being chained to the ceiling of an underground warehouse in the middle of the desert by a gang of Nazi drug dealers, but you’ll get to be a dad again. Yay dads!
Christian Shephard (Lost): how to know when to back off
If you’re a professionally successful parent, you run the risk of intimidating your children, making them feel as if they’ll never equal your accomplishments. If you’re not careful, this can manifest itself in all manner of ugly overcompensatory behaviour. The best thing you can do to prevent this is to remove yourself from their lives. But you’d better make it permanent: returning to them as a ghost to, say, inform them that reality is simply the shared construct of a group of troubled people trapped in purgatory, as Jack’s dad did in Lost, will probably just confuse things.
Tony Soprano (The Sopranos): how to feed a family
The final scene of The Sopranos has been deconstructed and analysed time and time again by hundreds of respected critics, yet no definitive answer has been found. Well, I think I’ve found it. The message of the Sopranos’ final scene is that families love onion rings. Buy your family some onion rings from time to time and you’ll be the best dad ever. Tony’s family make him the envy of the diner in that final scene. He’s got a perfect family, he’s got a big bowl of onion rings, and that guy in the Member’s Only jacket couldn’t be more jealous. Look at him. He could kill him!
